Most Important Things I've Ever Learned (About Love)- #3

I used to take unloving situations (in my earlier marriage) very personally.

When my first husband had a hard time feeling love for me or saying "I love you" & spoke of his concern about ever being capable of loving me, I used to feel a sting so deep in my heart that it physically hurt.  I thought it was because of me.  I thought I was truly defective in some way, or inadequate, or not beautiful enough, lovely enough, talented enough, dynamic enough, engaging enough, creative enough, or interesting enough.  

I want to tell you how I learned to end that thinking.  Completely.  

The Most Important Things I've Ever Learned (About Love) - #2

(Photos by the photographer, Rachel Thurston.)  

Here are some more notes on what I've learned about love.  This stuff has changed my life (!) and if applied very literally, I am confident it can change yours, too.   

You ready for this?  It's a lot to absorb.  But in the weeks following my first husband's departure, it was this nitty gritty that caused strangers on the streets of New York to stop me and tell me that I was "glowing" and "radiant".  (I wanted so badly to tell them the real reason why...)

• To really show a healthy kind of love to your spouse, children, parents, family, coworkers, or friends, your emotional well-being cannot be dependent on them.  The source of your wholeness & your security as a person needs to be based on something else.  For me, the ups and downs of my well-being used to hinge on the love or affection from my husband, or my husband's  (or my own) approval of my looks, or the status of my baby-making, or on the goal of one day having a successful business.  I know what it's like to not have any of those things and to feel pretty miserable about it.  But now, I know better.  And so, instead of basing my deepest happiness & well-being on my husband or unborn children, I get my strength & healing from tapping into what I know to be the most powerful force of goodness & love & strength for all:  being at one with God.  That's a pretty tall order.  But it's available to me at ALL times, no matter what my circumstances are.  Until I was 30, I had no clue how to really do this.  It turns out that anything religious didn't really mean a whole lot to me before then.  But in a desperate state, I decided to give it a go & see what would happen.  I tried to feel that oneness every single day, and that's when the really, really deep & independent peace started.  And one of the best consequences of this?  Now having the sweetest marriage I could ever imagine.  :)

•   When your real, deep peace is not dependent on your husband or kids, you remove that pressure from them to constantly satisfy you.  Know any moms or dads that hang their own personal happiness & well being around their children's necks and display deep inadequacy/disappointment/depression if their kids do not fulfill all their dreams of perfection?  Or, do you know any wives that are miserable because their husbands don't "fulfill" them in all the ways that they want to be fulfilled?  I see it all the time.  No matter how it's done, if someone is basing their own personal happiness on the behavior of another, no matter how much they think they love that person, they are actually not showing love at all.  Instead, they're loading on an unhealthy amount of  pressure, which can be felt for a lifetime.  I know way too many adults that sadly STILL feel inadequate or unsure of themselves, due to the pressure of their mothers or fathers.

I think applying these two above ideas to our lives is how we can develop what is called "unconditional love."  I know firsthand that there is NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS.  I learned how to love in this way and applied it to some of the most challenging experiences of my life.  I had never felt more powerful, happy, confident and well.  I am convinced it is the most important thing we could master in this life.  And learning to master this more & more everyday is truly the greatest endeavor of my life.

I would LOVE to hear what you all think about this....and I'd especially love to hear if anyone has seen these principles working in their lives or in their marriages.

-MK

P.S.  If you ever get the opportunity to attend a huge concert in the Great Lawn in Central Park, just do it.  We saw the Black Eyed Peas on Friday night and despite not even being fans of the group AND despite the rain, there was something just awesome about being in that park with 60,000 people.  

The Most Important Things I've Ever Learned (About Love) - #1

This is some graffiti art in Park Slope.  One of these tags used to be across the street from my apt.  Photos of us, above, by photographer, Saydi Eyre Shumway.

OK, I'll be pouring my heart out to you on this one, because....
This was the biggest wake-up call of my life...(and I share this with hopes that it can help you.)

Back in the day (when I was married to my first husband), I wanted a baby because of the so called "love" that I had in my heart for my unborn children or for my husband.  All that "loooove" & desire & nurturing instinct that I felt was so "strong" that when I wasn't able to have a child, the disappointment made me feel hopeless, depressed, unhappy, miserable, worried, & so sad.  Oh, the drama!  Ha!  Believe it or not, I never saw where I was going wrong here.  I thought my behavior was NORMAL.  In fact, every one I knew thought it was normal, too.  I actually would have thought then that my sadness was actually even a display of my love for my husband and unborn children!  Hahaha.  Oh my.  How wrong I was. 

Well, I was lucky enough to have a wise woman (my acupuncturist) point out to me, that  REACTING IN A NEGATIVE WAY IS NOT HOW TO SHOW LOVE!!!  It's called dysfunction.  Oh man, this kicked me in the butt.  You see, if you are reacting negatively and with so much misery & drama, you are actually poisoning the world around you - including the world of your spouse and children.  That's such an awful thing to do to someone!  Especially to someone that you claim you love. 

The BEST KIND of love requires that you think more of someone else's needs instead of dwelling in your own misery & selfishly bringing everyone down with you.  So even if your spouse is doing anything from being short with you to cheating on you,  instead of biting back and being just as dysfunctional & spewing all that poison around, remain still.  And in those trying moments, out of REAL love for them, you are actually able to think of their needs instead of your own, and you can actually help them, as they clearly need it.  This made so much sense to me!  When I figured this out, I was shocked.  I had totally misunderstood what it means to truly show love to someone.  Immediately I wanted to adjust my ways.  And I did.  It was hard at first.  But I did it deliberately.  And I haven't stopped doing it since.