11 February 2015

Why I Couldn't Wait to Get Married Again

I am such a huge sucker for marriage. It really is one of the greatest blessings of life.

After my divorce, I couldn't wait to get married again. 

I knew I didn't need to be with someone to have a good life and I was doing all I could to stay out of that mindset. (I had already decided that I was going to be at peace and live a good life with or without a husband). But here's the thing: I knew that I had grown SO, SO much because of my first marriage that I did want the opportunity to experience it again. Even though my first marriage didn't work out, the learning experience was still one of the greatest of my life, and I'd do it all over again. I guess that's how much I value the progress that can happen when two people are married (I am sure it's similar as a parent). It is one good setting for learning about some hard core stuff about LIFE & LOVE. It was one good setting for practicing my truest identity (even when my first marriage didn't work out.)

See these posts: The Most Important Things I've Ever Learned About Love.

Did you or do you have any fears about getting married? I've met many people since starting this blog that have a huge fear that their marriage won't work out.

I say, prepare yourself as best you can and make the best decisions you can, but if your worst fear comes true and your marriage doesn't go as you planned, let it be a teacher. Let it be an opportunity to grow and learn and become a better person. And for the moment -

Married or single, make it your highest goal to be the kind of person you want to be and practice your truest identity, regardless of the status of a marriage. 

Ironically this will allow you to do your part in creating the kind of environment in which a successful marriage or relationship would be possible.

Much Love,


Photo taken after our Boston wedding by the INCREDIBLE photographer, Rachel Thurston (also an incredible human being, business owner, and mom.)

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  1. Do you find there is something that is specifically beneficial about the INSTITUTION of marriage (as a state-sponsored legal entity or a religious process) that confers these benefits? Or do you think these benefits can come from any long-term partnership even if the people involved do not marry?

    1. Good question! I would say the benefits I mentioned in this post could definitely come from any partnership - most especially a long term relationship where a life is shared together through ups and downs. Certainly there are so, so many benefits from any relationship - dating, married, partnered, etc. There is so much to learn from each experience and they are all so valuable. I'm thinking about the legal aspect. Mmm. I don't think it is necessary to have a legal document in order to have an enriching relationship experience. Certainly there are other benefits, though. Marriage could (though not always) lead to a longer, deeper commitment - and perhaps then more opportunities to experience a depth of growth as a couple. Tricky subject. I'd love to hear your thoughts, as well!

  2. Thank you Mara for this post. I would have to say my first marriage when I was getting married and throughout the marriage I was so afraid of it falling and that I would do something to screw it up and that he would walk out.
    But now two years out of the marriage I have to say that I look forward to the possibility of one day having a long term committed relationship and getting married. I am not afraid of it but am excited about spending and sharing a life with someone again. I think for me it's because my fears happened and I came out realizing that I could be on my own and I know now what I can bring into a relationship. Any relationship I am in, whether with friends, family, siblings, and with my mother. I know who I am and what I want rather than following someone else.

    I also just want to say thank you to both you and Danni for being so positive and creating this space to share with us all. Both of you have given me so much strength and a place to turn to when I need comfort and reassurance. You both are beautiful souls.

  3. My first marraige ending hurt a great deal. I was left with the responsibility of raising my three year old daughter and really unsure of the whole blended family dynamics. That deterred me for the longest time from going out and "looking" for another marraige. But I think that's the most important lesson I learned from my second marraige...seems the first time around I was looking too hard. I met my second wife online seeking someone with a great motherly instinct that wouldn't mind sharing with me to help me in my quest to take the best care of my daughter that I could...not another mother..just some inspiration to light a fire in me to do the things I needed to do to take care of her. Having four children of her own,and raising them on her own...couldn't get more maternal than that. I can remember the day I crossed over from fear of loving that deeply again...It had been several years of a friendship of helping each other out using what little resources we had...I was commuting on opposite sides of Boston, and she lived in Charelestown, which was kinda in the middle, so my daughter and I set up camp during what was oinly supposed to be a week. I had a shorter commute and this wonderful woman made sure my daughter got to school. One random morning, I got got up, she made me some breakfast, had a lunch packed for me. I kissed her on the cheek and "I love you" just rolled out of my mouth...no thought of my past fears or future fears of a potential very expanded family...It felt right. The blending did not go according to plan and I lost my relationship with my daughter ultimately...Do I regret the second marraige? no...I'm just finding out how strong I really am and how strong I need to become before my daughter and I can ever reunite. I am learning to be the strong male figure my wife's children need in their lives. I feel exactly where I am meant to be and glad I took the leap to keep going.

  4. I come from a family of divorce, my dad has been divorced multiple times, though my mom remarried when I was a toddler and has been happily married to my wonderful stepdad ever since. But with that background, before I got married I would say that I was not fearful, but thorough, when dating. I asked tough questions and didn't put up any fronts...I guess because I was happy and fulfilled without a partner I wasn't worried about scaring my now husband away, if me truly being myself did scare him away then I wasn't interested. Clearly he loved me anyway, and I him, and we've been married for 2 years. Now I don't fear our marriage failing, I'm confident that we both will always be working for the other's happiness. But without preparing that way, by talking about everything and knowing each other deeply, I imagine I would have feared for the longevity of our marriage.

  5. Is there a certain time period after separation or divorce that I should wait before I find love again?


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