29 October 2013

Our IVF Results


Last Friday evening, Danny and I received the results of our IVF.

Unfortunately, I did not get pregnant.  :(

No child or twins or triplets will be coming our way.

When the phone rang, I let Danny answer it this time. The call was on speaker.

At first the doctor's voice sounded chipper, but then it didn't.

I could tell that the answer was no before he actually told us.

It's been strange each time knowing that the results are so dang final. I always think to myself, is there ANY chance? Did they check too early? What if they were mistaken? It takes a second for it to sink in that it really, really is final. It reminds me of that feeling when someone has died...it's just over all at once.

After the phone call, there was actually a sense of relief, just by knowing the outcome. I mean, a lot was resting on that moment. We won't be doing any more medical treatments or trying anything else to get pregnant. This will be the final "no" of all my years of infertility. This will be the end of ever anticipating a pregnancy again. [Luckily, I've gotten to the point where I don't "wonder if I'm pregnant" each month, so I won't even be doing that.]

I guess I've been prepared for this surrendering. I've surrendered time and time again in my life. Oh my. I have done it. But it's time to do it again. I know that's just how life works.

In a way, it feels like the end of an identity. My whole life, I've been planning on one day getting pregnant and having a child. It's crazy how much of my life has evolved around that plan - whether it's studying about health and fertility and birth, anticipating pregnancy, changing my diet (drastically), working my tail off to provide for a family, buying a home and car for a family, trying so many different things to get pregnant, or going to appt. after appt., etc. It's really strange to not be that person anymore. I've been packing up syringes, leftover drugs, IV poles, alcohol swabs, piles of paperwork, and medical records. I won't need them anymore. Anybody need some books about infertility? I have an entire library. There is so much tucked away in storage that I need to get rid of.

After the phone call, Danny and I talked about what we might want to do that night. Go to a movie? Clean? Make dinner? We agreed we didn't need to do anything special. But we did want to be with each other and be as close as possible to each other. We said "I love you" and "I can't tell you how much I appreciate you" to each other like a hundred times. :) We celebrated that we didn't need to do the medication routine anymore. We gave each other high fives for getting through the whole ordeal. And we ended up wrapped up tightly on our bed with a laptop and watched an old movie series we've been enjoying (The Count of Monte Cristo with Gerard Depardieu).

The next day felt like the first day of summer or something. It was like, wow - what should we do? I guess our life is wide open. We picked up our vegetables from our CSA and then made a chili and pie for the fall cook-off at our church. And in between "I love yous" and "I'm so happy you're my wife/husband", we've been talking a lot about what this next phase of life will look like. It's going to be very different. It's unsettling and strange to be in this position and it's not what we would choose, but we'll try to make the most of our lives. Our little family of two has some big changes ahead.




93 comments:

  1. Mara,
    Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Goosebumps as I read. Praying for you.

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  2. I'm sorry that the results weren't positive. I remember the whole routine, too. The needles, the charts of meds, the overstuffed sharps containers. Like you, I'm glad in a way I did it. It is an experience I'll never forget and it gives me a new perspective and deepens my empathy for all kinds of struggles. It never worked for us, either.

    I'm glad you've found strength in moving on to a new chapter of your lives. Whatever it may bring, I wish the very best for you both.

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    1. Thank you for this note. This experience has deepened my empathy for all kinds of struggles, too. I'm glad you wrote and reminded me of that. All the best. xo

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  3. My thoughts and empathy are with you both through this epic time of challenge and growth. You're so good at looking at the positives of it all. Just wondering if you're still considering adoption as an option because you've mentioned it in the past on the blog. And if not, why that has changed?

    You two have enormous talents and love to offer the world. However you do it, I know this world is a better place because of you, regardless of children or not! Lots of love.

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  4. Thank you for sharing with us. I know it takes a lot of courage, but you have helped so many by sharing your story.

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  5. Sorry it didn't work out. I can totally understand the feeling of relief once you know, even though it wasn't the results you had hoped for.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so glad that you have found peace with the results and that you have such strong hope for the future. You and Danny are so lucky to have each other!

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  6. Much love to you guys. Once again this was shared so beautifully and I'm excited to see the next chapter in your lives unfold.

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  7. I'm so sorry. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense and I'm so sad for you guys. Your attitudes are very inspiring and I'm glad you're able to see the positive. I don't understand why these things happen, but I know you have a beautiful story and will continue to as time goes one. Hugs to you guys.

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  8. I am sorry. I am in the same place and I understand what you're going through. You've been very brave and strong and I can understand and respect the need to draw a line and begin again. Infertility can be an entirely draining experience and it speaks to your creativity and love for life that you want to forge a new path. You never know what amazing things might happen that you can't even predict at this time. Please know that you're an inspiration and thank you for your willingness to share-- big hug.

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  9. I am glad that you can put this difficult chapter behind you now - the drugs and everything else that come along with IVF are no joke and take a drastic toll on the body, so I know that you are looking forward to moving on without all of that. That being said, I am sorry to hear that it didn't work. But am greatly looking forward to the new things that you and Danny have to share!:)

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  10. I have never commented on your blog before, but I have been reading for a while. I just wanted to say I really appreciate the honesty with which you have documented your infertility journey. I am sorry that it has ended this way for you, but I am so impressed with your hope and your resolve to define a meaningful life apart from your ability/inability to have biological children. It has been tremendously helpful to me in my own infertility struggles. After five years of infertility struggles, after our latest IVF round, my husband and I finally had a positive pregnancy test last month, and we thought things were going well. I ended up miscarrying a few weeks later. I too have realized that I have been in this stage of my life for so long, I am ready to move forward and find out what life Heavenly Father intended for me to have since having my own children doesn't appear to be part of His plan for me. We still have a few frozen embryos that we plan to have transferred, but then, that will be it for us. I know there is still a chance that I might be able to get pregnant, but I want to move forward with my life if those embryos don't take, so I really appreciate the hope that you have given me that I can find a meaningful life without children. Thank you for your courage and example. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one going through this (mid thirties, married, LDS, no kids) and I cannot tell you how much your courage in sharing your story has helped me. I wish you and Danny all the best as you go forward after this. It feels weird not knowing you personally and writing this, but I know that you will do great things!

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  11. HI Mara, my heart goes out to both you and Danny whilst you absorb and deal with the news. You write with so much feeling, it is truly beautiful and I wish you both the best as you embark on this next phase of your life. You both have so much to offer and will do wonderful things, of that I am certain : ) Lou xx

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  12. Thank you for sharing your IVF journey! I'm just nearing the end of my first IVF experience & your IVF posts have helped me so much. Seriously, I think the Help with Fertility cd is one of the only things that keeps me sane! I'm so sorry you didn't get pregnant & I hope that amazing things are around the corner for you & your husband.

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  13. Danny and Mara,
    You are both so brave and honest. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you. I know from experience what a tremendously hard journey it is to go through. I have no doubt that God has greater plans for you both. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  14. I've been reading your story about this IVF and feel so much of these emotions on this rollercoaster from our own IVF and 9 years later of secondary infertility. I'm so sorry.

    A lot of peace comes from completing the baby chasing stage. I know God sent me here for a purpose, and it's infinitely harder to figure it out compared to the go-to motherhood answer. I wish you both the best of everything in this new stage of your life.

    It will be hard as this next stage you hear all of the stupid things people say to you to make themselves feel better (why don't you just adopt? you were selfish to spend all that money on IVF when you could have put it towards children who already need your help now, don't worry my second-cousin's-great-neice-through-marriage couldn't have a baby for 7 years and now she has 4! etc. etc. ) Right now my husband and daughter are pressuring me into doing foster care (again, after a 4 year stint earlier) and I've been there and I've done it and I don't feel prompted to do so again.

    I think of Elder Bednar's talk earlier this year about in the midst of trials it's much more important to not shrink than to survive. So here is to moving forward with power and faith and trust in the Lord and NOT shrinking. Rock it. Reach out to others, change some lives . . . oh wait, you are already doing that - in that case, rock on, my friend, rock on. :)

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  15. Mara and Danny-- this is my first time commenting here!! I just wanted to tell Congratulations! On getting through this hard thing. Obviously you will make a different contribution to the world, as you already have done. You would be incredible parents, but you're already incredible guides for the rest of us! You are both great. I'm so happy you finally feel resolution about this and that you can move forward.

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  16. So sorry for your loss and so thankful for your optimist outlook on life. Wishing you all the best in the coming days, weeks, months, as you figure out what lies in store for you.

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  17. I'm so sorry that the results aren't what you had hoped. I've been there. I am there. You are in good company. :)

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  18. Hugs to you, Mara. I have held off on writing anything since your break but please know that you were missed. I just had a feeling you really needed to focus your energy on this IVF. You've written that it has been a miracle that you've been able to pour yourself into writing and giving so much of yourself to this community, I am lucky that I've been able to receive so much insight and perspective from you. I am 9 years on this infertility journey and I am nowhere near as at peace with it as you, I wish I was. Just seeing that someone has "been there" gives me so much peace and I thank you for that.
    I have to ask you, have you felt any fear at all about deciding that this is it, that there will be no more trying? Did you have fear in telling Danny your feelings? Have you felt any pain at all in surrendering to what is?

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  19. I have a big box just like that in my garage from our failed IVF's. It's been a year for me and it goes up and down emotionally where I love just being the two of us. I'm crazy about my husband. Then I feel like I'm missing out on raising a child and want to adopt. I have to say that nothing has made itself clear on what we are going to do. I'm so grateful to be in a loving marriage like yourself but there is still this "daily pang of confusion" that I wish would go away but it hasn't. I hope you and I find our peace in all of this. All my love to you for sharing this journey. Carla

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  20. I feel like this blog has been a course in how to be a better version of myself, and today I passed an exam or finished a big project. I'll explain. So much of how you were "before" resonated with me when I first found this blog - like so many other people I was seeking satisfaction, comfort, love and security externally. I was almost crippled with insecurity. When I take an honest inventory of my adult life up until...now, really...I'm amazed at every experience I didn't enjoy, every person and place and chance I missed out on because I was afraid. I would project my own concerns and feelings and fears onto others...including on to you and your infertility journey. I would read these incredible, honest moments about your struggles and think "how on earth are you still a person who does things and is happy". you would explain, again and again, to people like me, without us having to ask, and it just took so long to sink in, to become real to me.

    I don't know what was the last straw/turning point/kairos moment for me, but something in me started to change, and I began to understand what you meant. I could empathize with your words rather than just wishing you well in my thoughts and prayers. I know some if it's just growing up and growing older, some of it's fruit of my own spiritual work, but I also know that you and Danny deserve some credit. I'm so thankful for finding this space here, you two, at this time in my life.

    so with that, I was able to read this and not cry, not immediately want to apologize and internet hug you. I, too, felt relief. I know what it feels like to experience such a massive shift in identity, and I know that is hard, hard stuff. but it is also fruitful and rewarding. it's not a zero-sum thing, though. I don't think we're able to just exchange one for the other. it may still hurt, some measure, forever, but I'm confident you guys are going to totally own the experience and this next chapter.

    I am hopeful and excited for you. I hope you'll continue to share with us.

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  21. Sorry to hear about the news. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of dreams and disappointments. Don't push it away or pump yourself up to be "okay" with it. Allow yourself to go to the sad thoughts and give it recognition. Sure, it's important to eventually get on with life and make the best of things but it's OK to feel crappy about the whole darn thing and not put on a smile all the time. You may never get over it, but hopefully, you'll get to a point where you can tuck it behind all the new joys and possibilities that come before you. I only know this because I've been in your shoes and I know the heartache. Take each day one passing moment at a time and don't burden yourself with future worries or pains. Be patient with yourself, be compassionate with yourself, and give yourself permission to accept every feeling that comes, good or bad. One day, you will look back and be at peace because there will be so many other wonderful things that come into your life. Take care!

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  22. Mara and Danny, I'm so sorry. I'm sure there aren't any words that will make things better, but know you've been and are in my prayers. May you continue to be blessed with peace and healing and the ability to move forward.
    Thank you for sharing your journey. It can be so hard to do sometimes. You are both wonderful and you've touched and helped so many people.

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  23. You guys are so wonderful and so loving toward each other. A true example of what a strong, healthy, lasting marriage and partnership should look like. My heart is lifted knowing that, through one of the most painful processes a couple could go through, you two have come out way ahead and much stronger than before.

    As others have said, I hope you give yourself permission to feel however you feel in any given moment. Surrender, peace, anger, sadness, joy. Whatever it is, feel it, embrace it, and let it run its course. Sending so much love and so many prayers your way - continue to love each other. I can't wait to see what the next stage holds! And again, thank you so much for allowing a whole lot of strangers to see this part of you. Your story is greatly appreciated.

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  24. So many people are rooting for you! I'm sorry for your loss and excited that you can have a break from this period of your life. One focused person can do amazing things and two, partnering together and building each other up can literally set the world on fire. Can't wait to see what you and Danny work towards next!

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  25. Oh Mara and Danny. May you have peace as you continue to discover and create your future...whatever it may be. I sense that it is bright.
    -Kim

    "I believe in all that has never yet been spoken"

    I believe in all that has never yet been spoken.
    I want to free what waits within me
    so that what no one has dared to wish for

    may for once spring clear
    without my contriving.

    If this is arrogant, God, forgive me,
    but this is what I need to say.
    May what I do flow from me like a river,
    no forcing and no holding back,
    the way it is with children.

    Then in these swelling and ebbing currents,
    these deepening tides moving out, returning,
    I will sing you as no one ever has,

    streaming through widening channels
    into the open sea.

    by Rainer Maria Rilke
    (1875 - 1926)

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  26. Mara and Danny I am so sorry for your loss. As someone going thru the beginning stages of IF, it is so hard each and every time that the answer is no. I hope that you find comfort in each other and in your faith. It is so hard to work thru the 'why's' of all of this. It is so amazing to feel the strength in your post and your ability to look ahead and find the good in things. All the best for both of you! Phil 4:13.

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  27. Loved this. I'm at the beggining stages of this (been trying for 2 years & I'm almot 30). I often wonder what it will be like if in the end the answer is still no. This post is very comforting to me. My life is good, I love my husband, and I want to feel that way regardless of whether of not I can have childeren. Thanks!!!

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  28. You keep mentioning upcoming changes for you guys and I feel like I'm being teased! haha. Every time you mention these changes I wonder what you are referring to! I feel teased! haha. I was also wondering why you mentioned you can't adopt? I'm not asking because i feel like you should, or to make you feel guilty at all. I'm only wondering because you didn't say you didn't want to, you just said you can't. So I was wondering if you could explain that at all?

    Lots of love, support, and prayers right now!!
    Elise

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  29. There is a wonderful article about surrogacy in the Nov. issue of More Magazine. Perhaps this is something you and Danny would consider. It would be as close to your own child as possible. Don't be quick to give up on IVF. It took three times before we concieved our child. I think you would be wonderful parents.

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  30. I am aching for you but so inspired by your hopeful outlook and strong faith. It takes tremendous courage to accept that perhaps God's "no" might be a better plan than any we could have for ourselves. I know it doesn't take away the pain or grief but you're right, hope can carry you through anything.

    Wishing you all the best as you seek meaning and direction in this new season of your life. I really can't express how blessed I am by this blog and what an incredible example you are to your readers.

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  31. I am soo sorry the results werent positive. There is something better is store for you guys. I just pray for you guys everyday :)

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  32. After a really unnerving and permanent diagnosis for my child was revealed to us earlier this summer, I kept thinking of this line from a favorite book:

    “By the side of the everlasting Why there is a Yes--a transitory Yes if you like, but a Yes.”
    ― E.M. Forster, A Room with a View

    There will be SO much YES and YES as an outcome of what is now a NO and WHY.
    Love and light to you as you find what your YES is -

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  33. You are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing the deepest parts of yourself. God bless you and may angels and heaven surround you to offer love and blessings.

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  34. I'm so sorry to read this. May I ask what you did with the other 3 embryos? Is there a reason you didn't freeze to use in the future? Prayers to you all.

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  35. Thank you for sharing your journey with your readers. Is adoption is an option you might consider?

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  36. I am wishing you both much peace and discernment and goodness.

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  37. thank you [and danny] for being so open and honest about your journey...not only through the ivf, but before, as well. life is bumpy and messy, but also beautiful and amazing. thank you for sharing yours with us. *

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  38. Gosh, I really hope you guys will adopt, but obviously no children is great choice too. I sometimes wonder why people who have no business having any children want to have so many and why people who are such wonderful teachers just simply cannot have children!

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  39. It really sucks because you two would've made amazing parents. But I guess God has other/better plans. Life goes on and you guys are so strong and already have a full life. And who's to say that you still won't have kids?! Maybe one day you'll have the surprise of your life. It'll be icing on the cake.

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  40. Dear Danny and Mara - I am so sorry. It made me happy last week to see both of your smiling faces, filled with love, as your hearts are. In a sense, you have both been parenting for a long time, guiding, nurturing and giving love and support in every aspect of your lives, especially with this blog. You have reached and touched the hearts of many, more than you might be aware of. This is your gift, both of you. Your post on faith has helped me and given me peace. Much love and peace into your loving hearts, Denise

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  41. Love, prayers and light headed your way.

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  42. How LIBERATING to free yourselves to focus on reality and what's meant to be in your life that comes more naturally and without endless struggle. Sometimes it's best to stop fighting nature and our body's wisdom and limitations.

    This is also an important reminder to women to (within reason) not structure their lives and life decisions around some future event (the assumption of marriage by a certain age, the assumption of having children, etc). It's unnecessarily restricting. You can always make adjustments when/if the life event occurs. Until then, don't live for some future event that you cannot control.

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  43. Thank you for sharing this process on your blog. Really my heart aches for you both and am amazed by your fortitude and faith. That is a blessing to have such peace. I hope you know what your words have ment to me and how your faith has strengthened my own.

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  44. hey. this news broke my heart. i read this post to my husband because you did such a good job of capturing this turning point in your life. i wish you the best.

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  45. So sorry...:( Just wanted to send cyber (hugs) your way. Hang in there.

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  46. I loved your previous post on hope. It's so applicable to all situations in life even disappointing and hard ones... There's always hope. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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  47. Dearest friend! I don't have words... I'm sorry, so sorry. As always you are gracious and lovely despite the loss and challenge of the situation. You amaze and inspire me with your strength and hope and optimism. You are loved and thought of often by me, and so many others. I'm grateful you are at peace and pray that you continue to feel that peace as you move forward. Love you!

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  48. Thank you for sharing it!
    http://complete-education.blogspot.in/2013/10/i-love-you-different-experience-that.html

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  49. Sending you both love and hugs. I will always be rooting for you in everything you do. Thank you so much for sharing and continuing to share your amazing story. There are certainly many miracles ahead. xoxo

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  50. Mara & Danny, you are incredible. Your words, this blog is incredible. I have been going through a terrible time lately, and your words help more than anything else has. I read today's entry twice, your outlook and attitude is truly inspiring. Love and hugs to you both.

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  51. Sending a million good vibes your way

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  52. Sending you and Danny so much love in this time. Please know that you are spiritual parents to many of us. xxx

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  53. I am so sorry to hear that you didn't get pregnant. My heart goes out to you. I really admire how you've shared your IVF experiences on your blog. I wish you strength, happiness, and fulfillment in whatever the next face of life brings. You are an inspiration.

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  54. I admire your strength and courage...both to keep trying for what you want, and for being so open, which can only encourage others going through hardships. You have such a positive, healthy outlook, that I'm sure there is nothing but good things to come. Best of luck to you!

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  55. Wow! I am amazed at your strength. Such an example to anyone who may read this.

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  56. I read this entry twice because it is so hard - "a lot was resting on that moment." It breaks my heart to think of you and Danny realizing your doctor didn't have positive news. That said, your last paragraph is perfect in capturing the essence of you and Danny, your beautiful writing, and your ability to teach.

    I hope we are there to witness all the good karma stored up for you - I know it's in store.

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  57. I'm keeping you in my prayers, Mara!! Your story of hope and love is so inspiring and has helped me along my journey healing :) Thank you for writing and sharing :)
    James 1:2-4 <3

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  58. I am excited to see what you two will do with this next chapter of your lives. With a supportive, loving spouse the world is truly your oyster.

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  59. New reader and love reading your story. It is a beautiful one. So sorry about the results. :( Praying for you on this new adventure.

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  60. you are incredibly strong. and so refreshing.
    brave too.
    sending so much love and hugs.
    i wish you two the best and know that you will still have such a happy life fulfilled with love and laughter. xxo

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  61. You two are AMAZING! Thank you for sharing your experiences and emotions. It has helped me tremendously with my own life trials. The one thing I've learned from you from this blog is that we can't control what happens to us but we can control how we react and that we can be happy despite the trials we are faced with. Good luck with the next chapter of your lives.

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  62. Hello Mara and Danny,

    I am a constant reader and never-before-commenter, and wanted to reach out to let you know that I am thinking my absolute best thoughts for this next stage of your life. I have to admit that I have gotten pretty emotionally involved in your story and read this post before going to sleep last night, only to wake up in the morning wondering if it could have been a dream and hoping it was. Your outlook is so inspiring and I am sure that this next adventure, whatever it is, will be special, exciting, and full of love because you and Danny are together and because of the really wonderful way you see and understand the world.

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  63. I'm so sorry. Be well.

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  64. As always I love your attitude even in hard times! I feel like you're a few years ahead of me in experiences, and fertility issues is one I'm facing now (after divorce and happy remarriage). Thanks for being the kind of writer that is real and honest, you feel like a big sister always sharing experiences and how to handle them. You make the internet a much better place even in some of your lowest moments.

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  65. you have my empathies, and your attitude and spirit inspires me through my own personal issues. thanks for sharing

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  66. If I woke up tomorrow with super powers, I would put a baby in your belly. Because that's what you and Danny wish for, and more than anything, I want for you guys to have what you want. But as a selfish human, I can't help but see a HUGE silver lining, which is that A Blog About Love won't turn into A Blog About Babies. While I'm sure you'd offer a unique perspective on parenting, blogs about babies are a dime a dozen. Your meditations on marriage, friendship, God, nature, and beauty, speak to me in ways that posts about parenthood never could. To me, there's something so pure and so inspiring about women who pursue life's joys and adventures untethered by children. As a 30 year old woman who's leaning towards not having kids, I am unreasonably excited to see how your life is going to unfold :) I hope you are too.

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  67. you are amazing and I love you from afar. Only the best to you both from here on out. xoxo

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  68. Thinking of you guys at this hard time. Hugs!

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  69. thinking of you, so sorry to hear that it didn't work out as planned. but can't wait to see what the next chapter brings for you. you are both so strong and positive!

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  70. I have been an on and off reader but never commented on your blog before. It is inspiring, to say the least. You will go on to do amazing things!!!! My hubby and I did 5 months of IUI with nothing, that was about 5 years ago. Then when I started researching IVF about 2 years ago, a feeling in the pit of my stomach every time told me that it wasn't right for us. So we didn't pursue it. We still don't have kids and I've never been pregnant after 10 years of marriage with "unexplained" infertility. You are not alone. You will build your family in the way that it is right for you. You are so in tune and guided by the Spirit that I can only see wonderful things coming your way! The surrender, the letting go of the unknown, was a huge thing for me, but it felt so good at the same time. It is so apparent to me, at this time in my life, why we don't have kids. 5 years ago I would have never thought that. Now it's so obvious that it will be part of my life/our life when it's time, whether in this life or the next. I got really sick of hearing people say that when I was going through the ups and downs of wanting to get pregnant, but it really makes sense to me now. No matter what, life is good! Thank you for your beautiful blog and for sharing your story with the world :)

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  71. I'm so sorry to hear about the IVF results. I went through infertility for years and know how incredibly painful and difficult those negative tests are. If you're interested, I've started a blog to chronicle our domestic infant adoption process. Ever since choosing adoption, our lives have felt entirely different. We have no idea what to expect (we became "active" a month ago) but the agency we work with has said an average of 6 months until a match. Anyway, if you are interested I'll be posting about the process and my feelings as we progress. Best of luck to you--you will be amazed how much better you feel once you have finally let go of the fertility struggle. I feel like a new person.

    adoptingcharlie.com

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  72. I'm so sorry. I wish this had turned out differently for you because that is what you were so hoping for. I'm excited to see where this new wind in life carries you. You both seem so positive and full of love regardless of the situation. Wishing you the very best!

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  73. I am a very loved daughter of a mother and father who were not able to birth their own children, but I am no less their daughter than any one else. I came to my parents slightly different, but in every way their daughter. (Many comment on how much I look and act like my mother.) I am eternally grateful daily for my birth mother's selfless act to allow me to live and love.

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    Replies
    1. This is so sweet, adoption is a wonderful way to be a parent for someone who truly desires to be a mother or father.

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  74. I sat in church today looking at a young mother with six children, each about 18 months apart, and wondered (as I have so many times) why having children comes so easy for some, and it is so difficult for others. (I fall into the latter category.) My heart just broke when I read your news. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you two have each other.

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  75. Oh I am so sorry! I am so sad for you, I know how ready you two are to be parents. Prayers are being sent your way! I know you have such wonderful outlooks on life and good things are bound to come your way regardless of this outcome. And I know you would be amazing parents, and maybe adoption is meant for you. Whatever your plans are I wish you nothing but the best.

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  76. I am really sorry. I hope that this next chapter in life brings you all the love and joy you can handle. I have so enjoyed reading your blog over the past few months. I really admire your honesty. Take good care.

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  77. Oh Mara. My heart breaks reading about the IVF results. Reading the post, I'm stuck on the word surrender. The word makes me think of Psalm 23. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+23 Surrender, though scary in its uncertainty, can bring such peace, comfort and even happiness.

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  78. I just stumbled across your blog because I'm having my first frozen embryo transfer tomorrow and I was looking for any and everything to expect. I have to say, reading this took me on a roller coaster. First, because this is my first go at IVF. I have done a lot of medications and IUIs and now i'm here. I probably cant afford anymore transfers after this without a miracle. So it was sobering to read this and think about what my plan would be if my cycle failed. I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you but the way you have come to terms with it and reconstructed your view on life is so amazing to me. And if my cycle fails, I plan to do the exact same! Have a great journey living your life for you and your husband! It must feel so free. :)

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  79. Mara, I am a first time commenter. I am sorry to hear of your results. You and Danny will be in my thoughts and prayers. You both have so much love to give- keep giving it. The world is a better place because of your love.

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  80. Wishing you peace as you close this chapter and in the next part of your journey.

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  81. Thanks for sharing your journey. My sister is going through IVF and wow what a roller-coaster of emotions. Thinking about you.

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  82. I am so sorry to hear your cycle failed and at the same time very inspired to read this. I showed your post to my husband as well, I really truly admire your outlook!
    My 3rd and final IVF round failed and even though the future is now wide open, there is an immense sense of relief. No more drugs, no more tests, just being able to concentrate fully on something else is so new and liberating. Much love, Sanni xx

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  83. I just did my lasty IVF (of 6) in August and have to say, it's been nice in the couple months since to not be on constant alert of when my period is due! I've started seeing a DO who deals more in Chinese medicine and found out I have an abundance of yeast in my system, so I'm on day 11 of no sugar, grains, dairy, legumes, pork or processed foods. I figured I'd give it one last shot, if nothing else maybe my stomach and skin issues will go away and I'll lose some weight! May we both be pleasantly surprised in the future!!!!

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  84. big huge hugs all around you and yours.

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  85. The art of Letting Go!! It's just something so liberating about that process and so rewarding at the same time!! I can't stop smiling for you and your husband. :)

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  86. I have read your blog on and off from the very beginning and I commented in the early days. For the last few days, something kept nudging me over here. I know it was God. I am so very sorry that your IVF did not work. I am sure you were just heartbroken. Children are a joy and I know you would be amazing parents.

    Please pray and think about adoption. We had 2 biological children and God placed adoption in my heart. There are SO MANY orphans inn the world and God calls us to love the orphans. My daughter Kate (adopted from China) is my heart and soul. She was so meant to be ours. I blog all about her adoption at the beginning of my blog if you want to go read it.

    I hope I am not overstepping boundary but this is national adoption month and adoption has blessed our family in ways I could have never known. Hugs, Kim

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  87. Hi Mara! I'll be starting IVF t'row & just came across ur blog. I pray that God will grant u the strength through this hard time. I was also wondering if u still hv any infertility books lying around... I like to read & I would really appreciate if I can borrow any of ur books. Pls feel free to email sherena1978@gmail.com Sorry if I sound a little insensitive Mara.. I'm just a bag of emotions right nw. U hv a loving & supportive husband which makes a world of difference. My husband of 8 yrs would grab every opportunity to point out that it's all my fault we don't hv kids yet. If this IVF fails.. I'm going for divorce, can't take it anymore. :(

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