I’ve had several days recently where blogging was a bit hard for me. It was like I didn’t have it in me to tackle any of my big posts I have upcoming. And so I’ve skipped a few days or wrote about Turkish towels or shoes instead of how to choose a spouse, how to have an awesome marriage as a newlywed, and blogs and vulnerability. ha! It’s a rare thing, actually, that I take a mental break from blogging. I’ve been at this for almost exactly 2 solid years!!! Can you believe it?? I’ve been chugging away day after day – writing my heart out – sharing post after post. I know some of you have been reading since the beginning and I have to say – it’s been such an extraordinary experience!! Sometimes I can’t believe that it all has happened. I look back at some old posts and just say, “Dang, I wrote that!?” 🙂 Honestly- knowing what all goes into having this blog and writing the posts – I’m amazed that I’ve been able to keep up with it and get a message out. It is a miracle to me. For me, I have to give credit to the entire lifestyle and way of living that we write about. Without living that way ourselves, we would not have this abundance in our lives. Instead, trials, squabbles, heartbreaks, fears and worries would likely surface and suck us dry, leaving nothing else to give.
So where did my writing block come from?
I had a dip in that abundance. Yep, it happened. I mean, I’ve had one amazing streak. I hadn’t felt this way in many, many years, so I can’t complain. But I had been stuck trying to figure out what to do to grow our little family of two. I’ve always felt a clear direction of what I should do next…and we thought adoption would be the next thing when our IVF didn’t work out. But to tell you the truth, I wasn’t feeling motivated to take any steps. I didn’t feel any pull towards anything. I was wondering if maybe the nearly ten years that I’ve already put in towards this path were enough…and that maybe it was just time to call it, to cut off the flow of cash and loads of time going towards it, and do something else…dedicate my life to some other worthy cause. Also, I have accepted the state of my life so much that I actually don’t long for babies anymore like I used to. So, could I just stop the effort? Could I really just move on to something else and plan to be childless? These thoughts have haunted me for while now. I never, ever thought it would get to this point and these thoughts have been hugely uncomfortable to me. I guess in the end, the option of choosing to be childless was not sitting well with me enough to actually do it by choice.
And so, we will carry on. We will jump through more hoops. And I will have faith that parenthood will be worth every drop.
And I actually feel good about moving forward full steam ahead. I’m so, so very grateful for this.
This shift was due to that little miracle I wrote about…I had an experience that helped me to feel in touch with motherhood again and helped me to feel excited about babies and the miracle of birth. I needed that experience so desperately and I’m so grateful that it happened and that it sparked in me the desire to move forward with a plan.
And our plan is this…
We are going to do another IVF.
We still feel that adoption is in our future, but at the moment, taking into account the adoption logistics, the length of time and money involved, and the lengthy location requirements, IVF feels like a more practical solution for us for our current situation. So we’ll see how this goes. This decision is actually a surprise to me. I did not think we would do this. But it does feel good to have a plan again. And blogging feels good again, too. That’s a good sign. 🙂
Thank you, dear friends, for sharing this journey with us.
And have any of you faced these decisions or ever thought about not having children? How did that turn out for you? If you find yourself childless by choice or other reasons, how is it for you? Are you glad/sad to be in those shoes?
P.S. Danny and I both were on HuffPost LIVE last night (you can see it here). We had a very brief appearance, but we’re grateful for the experience. They wanted our thoughts on the book by Lori Gottlieb called, “Marry Him. The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.” (Lori is a single woman who chose to have children via a sperm donor after many years of dating. She now wishes she were married and realizes she had way too many unrealistic expectations while dating.)