Just before six o’clock in the evening we received a phone call from our doctor. As the phone was ringing and Mara prepared to put her phone on speaker, she asked if I wanted to grab my phone to record the call that we hoped would be good news.
I think the second we heard him say hello, we could tell that he wasn’t calling to say that Mara was pregnant. And so, over the next 8 minutes he told us that the blood test was negative, that he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong, as it seemed the embryos were healthy and Mara’s body seemed to be preparing perfectly for the embryo transfer. He wants her to come in tomorrow to run some detailed blood work to test if the drugs Mara was taking had the desired effect, and to see if there are any hints at what went wrong. He is a good doctor, and determined to figure things out. But we’re not so certain we want to try this route again anyway. We’d have to start from scratch, and there are so many drugs and hormones and what not that I’m not sure it is something we want to do.
So, when the phone call ended, we had a good hug, a couple of tender kisses, and went to our room to kneel and pray. We laid our troubles out, we asked for strength, we prayed in love for each other, and we expressed gratitude for all those whose prayers and thoughts had been joined with ours these last few months. (If you want a better idea of what the prayer sounded like, click here to read my reply to a reader who had never prayed and wondered how to even start.)
The prayer was followed by more hugs, a few tears, and phone calls to now disappointed, but supportive family and friends. I think the hardest part is telling people who have just as much vested in this as you do. We are truly blessed to have so many whose hearts are knit with ours. Thank you.
We decided to walk down the street to one of our favorite restaurants in the neighborhood and enjoy a nice meal on their patio. There’s something wonderful about sitting across the table from someone you love, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, and finding healing in each other’s company. There were some moments we didn’t talk much, just gazed and loved. Other times we talked about where we were in the healing process and what the future may hold and what our next steps will be. We asked if there was anything different we could have or should have done, and I think we feel we’ve done all within our reach so far, and there is satisfaction in that. I can’t say we left a stone unturned in this particular path.
Dusk had settled by the time we started walking the few blocks home, and it included one of my favorite parts of the evening. Mara and I discovered early into our courtship that we just seemed to fit together as we walk. Her hips seem to fit into this perfect groove just beneath my own, and something about our walk together is just right as my left foot and her right move forward simultaneously. We walk side by side, our arms around each other, it sometimes feels like we couldn’t be closer. From the moment we first discovered this uncanny little blending, it has always been one those things that seems to make me feel at one with her. And so it was tonight as we walked back home to write this post.
We are grateful for all of you dear readers who have expressed so much love and support, whose prayers and thoughts have been sent up and sent out to uplift and strengthen us. We are grateful to have this place to talk about the healing that has been experienced in the past, and the healing that will need to be experienced now. I am grateful to no longer have to stick needles in my wife every morning and every night, and see black and blue bruises from my handiwork that came as a result of the blood thinner she was on. We are grateful for the stillness and peace of this night. We are grateful to know that something good will come, even of this. We are grateful for whatever adventures now lie ahead, and whatever paths will reveal themselves in the near or distant future.
We send our love out to all of you, and know that we will receive it back one hundred fold.
Danny and Mara