Here are my thoughts...
I feel I'll be ok. Each consistent month of the last 9 years, things have not turned out the way I had hoped. I've learned so much about disappointment during that time (not to mention the daily disappointments I felt from living with an unloving husband for 7 years, before my divorce.) I know disappointment very, very well. It took me awhile to learn this, but eventually I learned that nothing - NOTHING - is the end of the world. Because I always have the chance to choose how to live. Learning that has been one of the greatest blessings of my life...it's truly LIBERATING in every way!!! In the past, I used to not live that way. I did live with fears, doubts, worries, anxieties. These things just swirled around in my life, depending on what the next big, stressful thing was. But now? I just don't live that way anymore as it's just an awful, awful way to live. I have found that it's just not worth it - I know that with my life. I am now grateful every moment that I learned how to make a shift.
So what goes through my head? How do I live this way?
I guess I just don't expect my life to fit in a mold. (That mold broke a long time ago, thankfully! :) So now, there is nothing that is trying to fit a mold, because I don't have one. It's like I'm at peace just moving from one experience to another - and trying to see the good in each experience, trying to learn from each experience, and trying to be the person I aspire to be, no matter what I face. It's been amazing (and oh so liberating) to live this way!!! I love it!
But isn't IVF a big deal? Does it not fit in a different category?
Well, I see it all as just part of a journey - just like every other experience. I don't see it as an end point of any kind (in fact, I would see pregnancy/miscarriage/motherhood in the same way.) If I get my period instead of a positive pregnancy test, it won't be a whole lot different than all the other periods I have had each month, when I hoped to not see one. We'll carry on and we'll be ok. Though we will likely go for sushi that night. :)
So what will we do if it doesn't work?
-We'll be happy to stop the meds.
-We'll call it a good excuse to go to the sushi restaurant known as the best in New York. (Why did I not eat it a ton in the weeks leading up to the transfer? oops.)
-I don't think we'll do IVF again.
-We would research adoption. I have not taken that plunge yet. But we'll gear up and learn the ropes. I'm so thankful for so many who advocate adoption and share their experiences.
-We will consider some traveling around the world. I'm dying to go to India, Africa, China, Thailand, Iceland (for starters. ha! :) I've already got some plans cooking, just in case. Danny just smiles. But he loves it. Perhaps we could even figure out how to do an international adoption.
See? Wouldn't that all be exciting?
I know life will still be as wonderful as we choose to make it. I know it.
And if I'm pregnant? Scratch most of this. We might be shopping for double strollers.
Thanks from the bottom of our hearts for all the support and love you guys have shared with us during this journey. It has meant so much.
Love to all,
P.S. Just curious...do you believe us? :) Do you think this kind of peace is possible (or attainable)? Do you think peace is just something that some people can have, but not others? I think many don't think this peace is real. Just curious what you think.
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