I knew that we’d be OK no matter how the IVF turned out. I’ve had enough big blows in my life to know that…and I trust the process of healing that I have utilized in my life time and time again.
But bad news is still not fun.I thought I’d record here what it’s been like in the last week or so…
Overall, I’ve been doing really, really well. But I’ve also had a few bouts of just feeling…”ugh…here we go again…more work ahead…more $$,$$$ ahead.” I’ve already been through 9+ years of jumping through hoops and paying so much money (our insurance doesn’t cover any infertility or IVF costs). Also, I’ve had this dead end feeling…from the reality that there really is something wrong with my body. No matter the peace and health I have experienced or the trust I have had in myself or the process, or the treatments we have done, my body just doesn’t seem made to get pregnant. It’s a sad thing to feel that something is wrong with your body…doesn’t matter what the health issue it is.
As I’ve gone in and out of feeling these things, my heart hasn’t exactly felt chipper.
And I’ve been completely aware of it.
And I am completely aware that if I chose to go that path of self-pity, it would poison my soul. It would poison my dear, dear marriage. It would poison the light and the love that I try to cultivate. It would poison the interactions that I have with others. It would poison my attempts to feel at one with the Divine.
I’ve developed one really awesome skill over the years and it has come in handy so many times to avoid going down that road: if I am off track, I notice it immediately. I am COMPLETELY aware of my state and what is happening. You see, due to lots and lots of practice, it is not the norm for me to feel irritated, angry, burned out, etc. And so I can really tell if I feel myself going there. And for me, it’s safe to say those feelings are not welcome for long. I just don’t want to dwell there as I know firsthand that it doesn’t do me or anyone else any good whatsoever. And so, I do what has worked for me thousands and thousands of times…
I let gratitude envelop me. Gratitude for the most amazing, loving husband in the world. Gratitude for my life and all that I can still do and contribute. Gratitude for all the experiences that have led me to this place. Gratitude for a body that can walk, talk, see, sleep. Gratitude for a roof over head, healthy food, and this computer to write on. Gratitude for this moment, as it’s moments like these that taught me the most valuable things I know.
I let love dominate my thoughts and help me to surrender. I surrender out of love for Danny, for others, for life.
And you know what, it works. It really, really, really works.
What do you do? Do you have a strategy for turning around a bad moment? And, if you don’t…would you commit here to giving gratitude a try? Someone had me commit to this once. I followed through. And it was the beginning of huge changes for me.
P.S. I’m writing today from PA! I’m on a little business trip with Danny. While he’s been in meetings, I’ve been blogging, which is a little trickier for me to do on the road. But as always, I’ve been grateful for the gift this blog is to us every single day. Thanks so much for your continued support and love.