19 June 2013

Feeling Loved

To the most lovely & kind readers on the web (I mean that!!),

I can't tell you how grateful we are for all of your notes.  They have been so meaningful to us these last few days as we've been healing.  We have felt your love and care - every drop of it.  I said to Danny, "How do they do it!?"  You all have such a way with words.  This community is amazing.

We've been feeling loved, loving each other, staying busy, talking to family, and also trying to take it easy.  Our dear friends were so sweet and at 10 pm or later on the night we got the news, we got a buzz at our apt.  They just came to be with us and give us a hug.  It meant so much.  Somehow telling our friends the news was really hard.  They have just been so, so good to us.

Danny got to work from home yesterday which was so wonderful.  We went for a walk, worked from home, and later shared one of our favorite meals - Pho Noodle Soup from Hanco's.  Soup honestly is such good soul food.  We are doing well and just feeling particularly full of love and gratitude for all that we do have.  And we are keenly aware that so many beautiful experiences lie ahead.  In a way, it feels like such an adventure to not really know what will happen next.

I thought I'd share with you a few more pictures...

These were my last morning injections.  If I had been pregnant, they would have continued for months. Danny keeps kissing my tummy now that we're done.  He was so, so amazing at giving me the shots, but he's also so glad he doesn't have to do that to me anymore. :)

Here I am getting ready to head out to Long Island for the pregnancy test.  At this point I just wanted it over with.  I was feeling butterflies for the first time and was thankful that Michael Jackson's "Keep on with the force..." came on the radio. Danny told me to drive safe with our two embryos.  :)  I tried to focus on gratitude as I drove.  It always helps me to feel calm.

I made it to Exit 45 on the LIE.  It's quite a drive to my doctor's office!  I might as well be going to the Hamptons.  This was just after my pregnancy blood test.  Yes, the results were still unknown.  But actually my gut (for over a week) said I wasn't pregnant.  I would have been shocked if the answer had been otherwise.  I just didn't feel any symptoms or feel that instinct or anything.  I know it was so, so early to tell anything for sure.  But earlier on after the transfer, it felt like something was happening and that I might be pregnant...and then that feeling went away for the rest of the time.  

I came home to these...flowers and dairy free chocolate from my dear friend, Mary.  So, so sweet...

I kept my phone charged.  It was so crazy to have the next many, many chapters of my life come down to one phonecall.  Such a strange feeling.  

We had to wait about 7 hours for the results.  I did actually forget about "the wait" a bit during that time.  I am hosting a Natural Beauty Night here in Brooklyn next week (invite will be posted shortly!) and so I've actually had lots going on to keep me busy. 

There was also some crazy thunder and one of those SUDDEN, FLASH rainstorms!  It was the kind where you just stand by the window in awe and then call your husband to see if it's raining where he is, too. 

My dear husband got home safely and made it in time for the phonecall.  I'm glad we were together to receive the news.  And I'm glad I got to bury my face in his neck afterwards while we hugged and kissed.  I could not be more grateful for this companion by my side.  This was soon after we received the news.

Things are now carrying on.  Lots going on for us this week.  I'm heading tonight to an Alt Summit dinner at Sunday Suppers in Williamsburg.  So excited to go there as I've heard some amazing things. It's my dream to host a dinner & lecture there one night. 

Then tomorrow, I'll be at the Alt Summit NYC conference all day at the Martha Stewart offices.  It will be a long day, but I'm excited to see old and new faces - and so, so happy that Danny will get to join me for part of the day.  ALSO, I'll be joining THE Darcy Miller of Martha Stewart Weddings on her Radio Show at 1:00 pm. Yes, I know.  Crazy.  She'll be talking to (3) bloggers at Alt and I'm one of them, along with Jenny Komenda (Little Green Notebook) and Vane Broussard (Brooklyn Bride).  If you'd like to hear, tune in to Sirius XM Stars Channel 106 tomorrow (Thursday) at 1:00 pm ET.  I can't believe I'm telling you all this.  haha.  You can even call in with questions (!) 866-675-6675.  We'll be talking about blogging.  Wish me luck!  

Lots of love to all of you,




  1. Mara and Danny,
    My heart is aching for you. On April 23rd my husband and I had a very similar experience. You are so inspiring to me. As hard as it is, you've decided to be happy and excited for the future. You have helped me be more excited about my future with my husband as well. Thank you! May you continue to feel peace and find healing. There are some amazing things in store for you. I know it!

  2. Mara and Danny,
    My heart aches for you too. Thought this might be of comfort - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvyCQTDxpBc (John Rutter's The Lord bless you and keep you). Wishing you all the best.

  3. I know nothing can take the place of being pregnant, but I read this and thought..."Wow, look at all she has to look forward to (after all, it helps to stay busy during hard times) and all the people who want her to be a part of what they're doing." Again, it's not a baby but it's exciting and really cool stuff. And you are reaching and genuinely helping so many people... not many blogs can boast the kind of uplifting, real-life help and comfort and love you two are trying to share. I hope you're able to enjoy the next few days. Much love.

  4. "...and then that feeling went away for the rest of the time." Had me in tears. I know there are no words that completely heal in these times. I appreciate you sharing your experience so others don't feel alone.

  5. You two are rays of light. I know that somehow, someway, you will hold your children in your arms. You would not have this desire in your hearts to parent, if there was no universal design to fulfill it. Thank you for being so open about your journey. Wishing you love, joy, and light.

  6. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you this time, but good on you for remaining positive x

  7. Danny and Mara,

    I was so excited for the two of you at the beginning of the week. I have been reading your blog for months now and thought that, if anyone deserves to be parents, it is the two of you. You can only imagine how my heart broke for you when you got the phone call. But I hope that, in the coming weeks and months, you can lean on each other for support. While I have never met you in person, your love for each other radiates through your blog and is truly inspiring. I know that the undying love and admiration that you have for each other will help you through your most challenging moments, and it is that same love that will make you the most incredible parents someday, however God chooses for that to happen. Sending you both lots of love.

  8. I have been praying so hard for you two. I'm so sorry that this news wasn't the hoped-for news but I am inspired by how gracefully you are handling it. Over a decade ago after our first round of IVF we got the opposite phone call, I was pregnant. Within about six weeks though we lost that baby. I had a very strong undeniable spiritual experience after that about how our family would be created. I knew it wouldn't be through IVF but we still had some frozen embryos and I couldn't bear to leave them frozen so we did another cycle. Although there was always a little bit of hope that those embryos would stick I had similar feelings to yours. I just kind of felt and knew that I wasn't pregnant. When the doctor called with the news I remember being calm and almost relieved to be able to move onto the next chapter. My Dr. seemed very surprised at how well I took that phone call, but I told him that it was all going to work out and we would be ok. It was frustrating having no idea of the timeframe or what the outcome would look like but 10 years later I can say I wouldn't change a thing. It was not easy getting our family here but it was oh so worth it. We are stronger as a couple and as parents for having to fight so hard to get our babies. I'm thankful for those years of struggle and loss because I know what miracles can come from trials. Your joy and love and faith is inspiring, God bless you!

  9. It's so strange, to feel love for two people I have never met. But I do, and I pray you will continue sharing your wonderful perspective on life with the world. Heaven knows we need it!

  10. I'm sending you both lots of love and good wishes. You are lucky to have each other, and when you finally have your children in your arms, in which ever way they are meant to come to you, they will grow to be such incredible human beings from all you will have taught them about love, pain, struggle, and equanimity.

  11. Oh Mara! I just love you both so much. I might have cried a little while reading your posts and am sending prayers and love from the Bronx to Brooklyn. We are about to start the IVF process at the end of the Summer, and I find it so healing to read about your experiences. We had a miscarriage in April, but it's amazing to me because no matter how much I think I've learned through this all, I still find myself learning more. It's such a difficult but enriching process. Hearing about your experiences to me is part of the Atonement in action...it's the part where we "mourn with those who mourn," and I find it so incredibly healing. Thank you for that, thank you for sharing this part of your lives with us and for being a vessel of love. Love always, Bianca

  12. I'm sorry to hear about your results. I know the look in you and your husband's eyes, my husband and I have had that look many times over the last 2 years of very active fertility treatments. Sadness but trying to maintain some sort of positivity and hope. This post made me tear up, I really know how it feels, maybe not EXACTLY how you feel but pretty close. After 5 IUI pregnancy phone calls and 4 IVF phone calls (all at work except for the 4th IVF) I finally wised up and let them call my husband with the last IVF, I just couldn't handle it. Oddly, that phone call was a "you have a low beta of 8 so stay on your meds and come in Monday" but the phone call came Monday that it was negative again. It's just a giant roller coaster! I hope you and Danny get your happy baby ending soon!

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