IVF vs. Adoption

So for this last and final phase, the pharmacy delivered to my door 82 syringes.  Yes.  82!!!!!! You guys, I really couldn’t believe it.  In that moment, I honestly thought – “What in the heck am I doing?  Should I really be doing this?”

Well – it’s a conflicting feeling, for sure.  I am not a fan (at all) of adding drugs to my body. But somehow when we first started all of this, I just felt like, “OK, it’s time.  Let’s try this.” After 3 years of trying for a baby with Danny (and 9 years total), IVF finally felt like the best option.

I know adoption is such a blessing to so many families.  And maybe it will be for us one day.  We definitely have had it on our minds.  But for now, it has just felt easier or more comfortable pursuing an IVF first.  I guess I just already had some knowledge about how IVF works…since I’ve been seeing doctors for years.  Also, I have already invested so much financially and physically down this road, that in a way – it would just feel strange to walk away from it all without trying the one last thing we haven’t tried yet (IVF).

It’s like we’ve been climbing a mountain called “pregnancy and birth”, and we’re almost to the top to see if there is anything there for us.  This climb has involved quite a bit, and every step has brought us just a little bit closer.  We’ve tried acupuncture, herbal remedies and supplements, dietary changes (gluten-free and dairy-free), temperature charting, Clomid, IUI, body talk, energy testing, more doctors than you can imagine (and more money than I care to remember)…and now we’re here.  It’s like being at the last base camp before climbing the summit.  We’ve got a doctor/guide we really trust, and we’re making the final climb with IVF.

Who knows, we may get to the top and find there’s nothing there except the beautiful view we’ve been enjoying for some time now.  At which time we can begin the descent and figure out what it will take to climb the next mountain…which for us would be pursuing adoption.  If that is what lies before us, well than we’ll do our best to gear up for the next journey.  We will plan to take a deep breath and embrace the expenses, unknowns, and learning curves of that process (which we don’t yet know much about.)  For now, we’re just trying to do one climb at a time. 

How about for you?  How do you feel about IVF vs. Adoption?  I know there are many opinions on the matter and I’d love to hear what you think…or what your personal journey was in deciding which path to take.  Thanks, as always, for the amazing engagement and community you guys all have formed here on the blog.  It’s truly incredible and helpful to so many people.

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  1. Anonymous May 23, 2013 at 10:58 am - Reply

    I just wanted to say I am thinking, hoping and praying for you both and the outcome of all this will be the right one for you two, whatever it may be, however it arrives. I have been down the infertility route, where I live there is a wonderful caring service that listened to me when I said stop, I need a break. After two years of treatment I stopped everything, had accupuncture which mentally stilled me. I'm not going to go into a long story of…..and then I got pregnant because I don't think that's helpful to you. My husband didn't want to adopt, so that was not an option, but two of my friend have and its beautiful to watch. I'm just thinking of you, can't stop actually! That's all I wanted to say really!! You are both very loved.xxxx

  2. Emily Bufler May 23, 2013 at 12:26 pm - Reply

    My husband and I have been married for four years and are still not ready to have children but we talk about it all the time. I think for us, we've always felt that if for some reason we can't get pregnant (which is a fear of mine), we would just take it for what it is and either not have children or adopt. I would be happy either way. I know that feelings probably get more intense when you're actually trying to have a child and it just isn't happening. No matter what happens, I'm sure you and Danny will be wonderful parents and any child would be blessed to have you two as parents. Good luck!

  3. suzy May 23, 2013 at 1:57 pm - Reply

    Do you get asked that question a lot? "Why don't you just adopt?"

    I get asked that ALL THE TIME. We just entered into our fourth year of trying, and more and more people are finding out and that's usually the first thing they ask. We have kind of the same attitude as you about it: adopting might be something we pursue later, but it feels like its own brand new journey with a whole new set of challenges and frustrations and fears and hopes, not "just" part of this one. People don't seem to get why I "need to have my own" especially when "there are so many children out there who need a home."

    I'm always a little surprised how easy that is for a person who had no trouble getting pregnant to say to someone who can't…

    • Anonymous February 14, 2015 at 8:11 pm - Reply

      I agree with you 100%! I'm so sick of people asking me so many countless times, "Have you ever considered adoption?" You would think that question has crossed our minds at least once. It's always asked by people who never adopted before, let alone people who never struggled with infertility. Then they try to give you an unsolicited advice on how these babies really need a home and that you should really look into it. Excuse me? But adoption can cost anywhere from $10,000-$50,000. In some states, you even have to hire a lawyer. It is no quick fix to infertility. I got so sick of hearing it that I just refuse to open up about my infertility anymore. People just don't get it.

  4. Anonymous May 23, 2013 at 2:02 pm - Reply

    Interesting question. My amazing SIL TTC for 6 years with a final round of IVF that did not work. At that point they decided to pursue adoption because going another round of IVF would have been too draining for them financially, physically, and emotionally. However, after their adoption process they paid large sums of money to care for 2 birth mothers who changed their minds at the last moment before getting their first baby. They ended up paying much more for the adoption than if they had went another go at IVF. I think both can be draining processes, but both can have unbelievably wonderful outcomes. You have such a great attitude and good luck moving forward with whatever your path takes you on.

  5. Zafirah Zulkipli May 23, 2013 at 2:30 pm - Reply

    I may know nothing about the emotional, physical or financial hurdles one has to face when undergoing either IVF or adoption. I'm barely 19, but I'm an avid follower of your blog and I think whichever route decides to bring you the child(ren!) you truly deserve, I know you and your partner, Danny would make great parents! xx

  6. Allyson May 23, 2013 at 3:16 pm - Reply

    Mara, while we never had to do IVF, we did do years of IUI to have our first children, and then ended up pursuing adoption for our last child. So while I can't say much on IVF/adoption, I can say that IUI/ adoption was our path, and it was such an interesting one, and here is the crazy thing. They are all ours, and they all came the way that they needed to come to our family. Your analogy is perfect. All different mountains to climb, but climbing each one prepared us in a myriad of ways, large and subtle, for the next mountain.

    It's easy to look back now and say that–what gets me is the incredible amount of perspective you have at this point in the journey. You are going to be a fantastic mother.

  7. Anonymous May 23, 2013 at 3:45 pm - Reply

    I have been TTC for over six years. In the last year I have finally been able to see doctors, get tested and try the hormones. Before then it was all at home remedies. I was trying to decide how far I would go and how much I would spend to try and get pregnant. Then, I got an answer telling me I needed to adopt just before I went to a specialist that told my husband and I that there was no reason why we could not have children. That confirmed to us that we needed to begin the adoption process. It does not change my want to birth children myself, but it gives me hope that I too will be a mother someday. And on the especially rough days, I remind myself that it is all in Heavenly Father's hands. I wish you the best in your journey.

  8. Lissa May 23, 2013 at 3:49 pm - Reply

    Just like with anything to do with children (how many, how to raise them, etc), I think it is such a deeply personal decision. It took me a few years to get pregnant with my first baby, then I had a miscarriage a year later and then another year to get pregnant with our second child (I'm 10 weeks so far). And even though I am able to get pregnant and have my "own" children, I feel like I will someday have a child that is not brought onto this earth by my body. I've always just had this feeling that adoption is something that will be a part of my future so I was really surprised when I did get pregnant because I always assumed I couldn't have children and I'd have to adopt. Regardless of how your child comes to you, once that child is in your arms, you will be lost forever. 🙂

  9. Anonymous May 23, 2013 at 3:56 pm - Reply

    When someone says, "just adopt," it shows they don't understand adoption. It's not like going to a store and picking out a doll. It's expensive, money-wise and time-wise. It's exhausting. It's scary with all the uncertainty of if/when you'll get a child, what will those child's issues be (if any), how to raise a child under special circumstances like adoption, and more. It's not a simple decision, and it's certainly not the "easy" thing to do. It takes just as much effort and money as IVF, although in different ways.

    • Anonymous February 14, 2015 at 8:19 pm - Reply

      Yup, it's always asked by people who never adopted so they have no idea how complicated it is. Then after you pay thousands of dollars of adoption fees and legal fees, the birth mother can still change her mind at the last minute and keep her baby. Both IVF and adoption comes with risks. It depends on which risk you're willing to take in the end.

  10. Colorado76Gal May 23, 2013 at 4:18 pm - Reply

    After reading these posts, I feel I need to speak up. Being an individual who WAS adopted. I am grateful my parents gave me the opportunity (both the adoptive and physical). I know it was a tough choice for both but I do not know what my life could have been if I would have been left in the foster system or not given up for a better life. So I guess I am a little disturbed by the statement above about the "uncertainty" of an adoptive child, issues or raising a child under special circumstances. Not all children adopted have "issues" and why would there be special circumstances. If you raise the child and love them giving them the best you can give there is no difference between that and having one. Any child could have issues even if you have them through IVF or naturally. While I am not a parent, I felt it was important to share the view of the ADOPTED CHILD. I think everyone has to decide what is right for them but please dont label adopted children as being special circumstances or having issues because every child is special.

    • Amelia Murdock May 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm - Reply

      I really appreciate our comment Colorado76Gal. Thanks for speaking up!


    • suzy May 23, 2013 at 5:47 pm - Reply

      I hope it wasn't my comment that offended–I only meant that adoption should never be looked at as "just adoption". You'd never call pregnancy "just pregnancy." It's a big decision to raise a child, no matter how you get that child. Right?

      I love adoption. My parents almost adopted a child who lived with us for five years and who we considered part of the family already, but his mother took him back suddenly one week out of the blue. That's what I'd mean by "uncertainty." Also, this child had been severely abused, and had several medical issues from his mother using drugs and alcohol while pregnant. His time with us was wonderful, but I hated that we had to give him back to a mother who was still using and who had abused him so terribly in the first place. We had no control over it.

      Maybe that's not the norm, but it is something an adoptive mother has to take into consideration. After going through years of tests and pokes and prods and feeling like my body is broken, I need time to heal from this journey before starting a new one. That's all I meant. I'm sorry if it came across the wrong way.

    • Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 7:04 am - Reply

      Thank you Colorado Gal for your comment! I am also very shocked by what I have been reading here on adoption! And in general, how people react to adoption, may the parents have infertility issues or not. I tried to convince my husband for some years now about the importance of adopting and giving these wonderful kids, who had a rough start in life, the chance to blossom. He is the kind of person who had only heard scary stories about adoption, so it was really hard. The worst part is that when we talked about it with family and friends, most people are not supportive and they are all saying that it will be tough and difficult. Then there are all the judgements on me – as if it was a problem to adopt and not have a biological child.Finally, I have just convinced him and we are entering the adoption papers now… It will most likely take us from 3 to 5 years to adopt, but I truly believe it will be a great experience.

    • Colorado76Gal May 25, 2013 at 5:32 am - Reply

      I am glad to hear you are considering it. As I previously stated, I am adopted as well as my older brother (from a separate adoption) and we turned out extremely "normal" and excelled in our lives. It is sad to hear so many people are still close-minded to the concept. I assume it is out of fear of the unknown and I guess I could understand. Anything out of our comfort zone tends to scare us whether it is having a child naturally or adopting. But aren't the chances the same on the end result?? No one can guarantee the outcome. We just need to have faith and take that step. You never know the possibilities until you try. Who knows…the end result could surpass what our human minds can comprehend and it could be amazing!

    • danny May 25, 2013 at 3:55 pm - Reply

      "No one can guarantee the outcome. We just need to have faith and take that step. You never know the possibilities until you try. Who knows…the end result could surpass what our human minds can comprehend and it could be amazing!"

      Totally agree!

    • Anonymous July 9, 2013 at 6:08 am - Reply

      I totally agree. At about the age of seven I decided I would adopt someday, and that's what I did. My daughter, adopted at two, is 16 now. She's fine — a kind, caring girl, talented in music and doing well in school. She did have anxiety and fears related to being taken away from the only people she knew (at the orphanage), but time has taken care of those issues.

      I never thought that a child born to me by birth would be easier or more "normal". How to have a baby is of course a very personal decision. The adoption process isn't simple, but neither is IVF. I can't imagine going through that or putting all those drugs in your body.

    • Anonymous July 29, 2013 at 12:03 am - Reply

      Hi, I have adopted asweet li'l angel too. And you will not blv , it has been awonderful experience. When people went out Blah Blah abouta doption , it disturbed me too.. And if people here talking about outcome- so they should know that – Uncertainty, issues are 90% in case of IVF, and adoption outcome is just Love , pure love. Its not only me or my husband but my whole family n their hearts are tugged in my lil' angel.. The joy is overwhelming, love is priceless outcome is – pure forever love love and love!!

    • Anonymous May 17, 2015 at 1:26 am - Reply

      Adoption is a caring loving option. I know someone personally who adopted and it is a special journey that has it's challenges just like pregnancy/child birth and the raising of our loved children. I think what taps out the infertile is the hope that science provides with the IVF/IUI options and the cost it can drain the couple to the point where they are just to spent to think of adoption. There are some that rally and after a breather they adopt and it works. For some they are so spent they just wtihdraw and say Jesus no more. I've hit that point of Jesus please no more. I think the cost of the IVF is insanity these doctors have been doing IVF since what 1978? and they still can't bring down the cost? It is greed pure and simmple. –spent "momma"

  11. Kara May 23, 2013 at 5:09 pm - Reply

    I'm with Colorado76 – I was also adopted. I am sooooo normal, and so is my family (I was adopted at birth and it was the 1970's). No health issues, no emotional/attachment disorders. Maybe the other commenter was talking about adopting older kids who have been thru "the system" (multiple Foster families or something)? My BFF is trying IUI as a single person, she is now 42 and doesn't want to completely give up on motherhood while waiting for the great love of her life to happen. She is totally freaked out about doing IVF because of all of the issues that can be associated with that. She is concerned that the success rate of IVF births is so low (where she lives, in NYC), and high with medically fragile children. I didn't dig too much into this topic since she isn't going that route. I'm not trying to be negative at all – I know Mara & Danny will for sure become parents in the exact way they are supposed to (and time will tell what that is). And I totally get why you guys are following your path to the top of this mountain – i'd do the same thing. I just wanted to second Colorado76 in that adopted kids don't have any more or any less issues as a whole than any other kids.

    • Delona M. May 24, 2013 at 12:14 am - Reply

      I have five biological children and one who was adopted. Each one brings challenges and each one brings joys. Motherhood is one of the most growth promoting experiences and so is the path getting there for each mother, father, and child. I have never experienced IVF but in both pregnancy and adoption I wish I had enjoyed the experience more. Especially with adoption, I wish I had lived in trust and faith that the God who directs the Universe could and would direct the adoption process down to the tiniest detail. I think there were miracles I missed along the way. Adoption is absolutely beautiful.

  12. Lynette and Anthony May 23, 2013 at 5:48 pm - Reply

    We just got to the point where we needed a baby. We had just lost our little boy born at 22 wks (lived 2 months). My body has difficulties carrying a baby so we jumped on the adoption bandwagon. We received our little man seven months after (he's 2 1/2 now)! And after 6 months on strict bedrest our now 10 month old was born, healthy!! But she only got here through extensive medical help and surgeries. Basically I'm all for whatever you and yours feels you can/should do to get the children that need to be in your family. I pray that everything works out and that you feel peace with whatever does 🙂

  13. Katy @ All Sorts of Pretty May 23, 2013 at 6:07 pm - Reply

    What a beautifully written post, Mara. Love the analogy of climbing a mountain. Very happy to follow along on your journey and look forward to the day you write about your beautiful baby, however he or she gets to you.

  14. Kim Russell May 23, 2013 at 6:57 pm - Reply

    I just wanted to wish you good luck. I still remember the day the box arrived with all my IVF drugs. I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry. The tears were a combination of hope and longing and terror at the thought of all this. It had a happy ending of a fanitistic little girl. I hope with all my heart it works out for you.

  15. Joe and Joanne May 23, 2013 at 10:26 pm - Reply

    Hi Mara, I'm not a frequent commenter but a frequent reader! I just wanted to chime in first to say that I love reading your blog – it brings such a beautiful alternate perspective to life! And I also love reading about your experiences with conception and IVF. My husband and I were married later in life (i.e. in our early-to-mid-30s later in life) and I am currently 37. We found out that we are at a point of pursuing either IVF or adoption. We are pursuing IVF and have a wonderful doctor we're working with here in Boston, but we are also keeping our eyes on adoption. Not because we have no faith the IVF will work (we really hope it will) – just because either way (whether it does or doesn't) we feel we have a lot to give and hope that maybe some day we can adopt regardless of whether we are able to have children biologically, expressly so that we can give a child a better life than they would otherwise have. It's definitely a personal decision and frankly, I've heard adoption can be very long and difficult; but so worth the struggle when you realize that at the other end of it you can have such a positive and eternally loving influence, on a sweet child of our heavenly father. Thank you again for all that you are and do. I wish you all the best with your procedure and add my faith to yours that all will go very well. 🙂

    • mara May 23, 2013 at 11:23 pm - Reply

      Mara and I have discussed adoption in very similar ways as you mentioned. Regardless of whether or not this IVF works, there is still a chance that we may adopt in the future. We just haven't felt to do it right now…but perhaps that will be part of our family story some day in the future.

  16. Meredith May 23, 2013 at 11:12 pm - Reply

    Here is a link to a desert news article, the gal they interview is Amy, one of my friends. Her journey is similar to yours, with many visits to doctors and IUI…however they stopped right before IVF and decided on adoption. What I've learned by watching her go through this process/trial/blessing is that everyone has their own journey. Her story might give you some insight about adoption, what I love is how open and honest she is about adoption. Good luck to you!

  17. Miggy May 24, 2013 at 2:27 am - Reply

    We (well I) have thought about adoption….especially after the birth of our second daughter (who has special needs). We're not there yet and maybe we'll never be, but this video gets me every time. My favorite quote, "It took me decades to figure this out, but there is no physical thing that you can buy that is actually going to give you peace and happiness. And the pure joy that will come from a rescue and a ransom of a childs life is probably the most satisfying thing you can imagine."



  18. Jamie May 24, 2013 at 3:21 am - Reply

    I think after going through multiple infertility treatments IVF included and then adopting 8 children through foster care that you have to do what feels right for your family. You may climb this hill to find another waiting to be climbed, or you be be amazed at the miracle awaiting you. Although I would have loved the experience of giving birth, I soon realized that did not make me a Mother. Each child no matter how they join your family is a miracle. I am a firm believer in a plan for each of us. Looking back I know each child of mine was meant for me. Adoption has affored me more blessings than I can sometimes comprehend. This roller coaster ride that is infertility is never fun, but from someone who has rode the ride and lived to tell about it I can assure it is worth the ups and downs. Adoption, just like infertility which I know go hand in hand and is not for sissy's. I admire you openess and hope and pray fot the best for your family.

  19. LD May 24, 2013 at 4:58 am - Reply

    I love reading your blog, what a ray of sunshine it is! Infertility is such an individual journey and it is individually beautiful! My husband and I tried IVF twice and pursued adoption at the same time. And adoption is where our journey took us twice! A girl and a boy who are miracles, they were both traditional infant adoptions. As we started our search for our third child we prayed about IVF and adoption again and through a friend learned of embryo adoption/donation. We adopted a set of embryos donated by a couple who were done growing their family but didn't want their frozen embryos destroyed. In December, we did a frozen transfer, which I felt was way easier on my body than a fresh cycle IVF (not to mention much less expensive) and I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with a girl. I never thought I would experience pregnancy! Through our experience I KNOW that Heavenly Father is in control. Each child is a gift and however they get here is beautiful in my opinion. Good luck with your journey, it will be great!

  20. Becky Radliff May 24, 2013 at 5:21 am - Reply

    My husband and I have been trying for nearly three years now. Many doctors have told us IVF is our only viable option for having a child, but we have decided not to do it. The main reason is because we both feel like artificial reproductive technology is not right for us, and that if we're not meant to create a baby naturally, then perhaps we are not supposed to.
    Of course we are still assisting our bodies as much as we can in getting to a super healthy place where we are most likely to conceive. Thankfully, we've been very blessed to find a doctor at the Pope Paul VI Institute – http://popepaulvi.com/ – in Omaha, who has helped both me and my spouse in healing our bodies (PCOS, thyroid dysfunction, low sperm count) with that in mind. We are very hopeful that we'll be able to have a child soon, and if it's not meant to happen through our bodies, then we will begin the adoption process.
    Many blessings to you and your family as you go through this treatment.

  21. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 7:25 am - Reply

    Dear Danny and Mara,

    I have a question and please don't think it is a rude one (and readers out there – I love this couple and respect them dearly), I am just trying to understand it and I have been willing to ask this for over a year… It's on your relationship towards infertility and God.

    I have been discussing your case with friends for months now and some of them think that if you have gone through all these treatments and haven't been able to get pregnant, it is a clear sign that your body isn't in it's best shape to live the pregnancy experience. And that maybe, this is God also telling you to walk another path. Some friends say that your insististing in it is a way to try to force your body to change and insist in wanting it on your own way, despite what nature and God is showing you. (There are infertile couples in my group of friends).

    Others say that since you can afford to try all these things, you could see it as you exploring everything out there, everything that God allowed us to accomplish with science, every path that God let us create to give birth to a child.

    And then, the discussion sometimes move to the fact that with all you have tried and all the money you have spent, maybe you could have helped other children in need, sponsoured children, help kids that need to be adopted, etc.

    I totally respect and admire your path and I cheer with all the other readers for you to have a child the way you are supposed to. But whenever I discuss with my friends, I never know how you understand this experience in relationship towards God. I know that all these trials have made youcloser as a couple and towards God, that it has allowed you to help so many others, but besides all these wonders, how do you understand this relation between God's will and infertility.

    I also have fertility problems and as I had a cancer, it became worst. Before going through all the tough cancer treatment, doctors offered to save some ovules for me and it made me really think a lot about what was the importance for me of having a birth child. I finally decided not to save them, I found that for me having a biological child wasn't too important and that even though I would like to experience pregnancy, it wasn't a priority to my motherhood experience. So now that I am cancer free, I am trying to adopt…

    Bless you both for everything you do!

    • danny May 24, 2013 at 1:46 pm - Reply

      Though I can understand the comment deals with sensitive matters, I certainly don't think you were rude…quite the opposite. I'll see what I can do to answer your question (a nearly guaranteed way to get me to write a comment is to ask a philosophical/religious question…you succeeded haha)

      First, I think it is individual to each person. Mara and I value and seek a relationship with God, we seek guidance and understanding and direction. I suppose there's never been a time when we didn't feel like we weren't on the right path. There were times when a treatment was scheduled and we'd get within a week of it and feel completely uncomfortable and call it off. That happened 2 or 3 times last year, and it was before we were led to our current doctor. We haven't hesitated since, and have felt pretty good. Obviously, that doesn't guarantee an outcome, and we've committed beforehand to be grateful no matter the outcome. But it is one reason why we are still climbing this mountain…it feels right. If there had been a moment where we felt we were on the wrong mountain, we would have started looking for the next mountain without complaint.

      Regarding all the other things we could have done instead…I understand that right now we've spent about the same amount of money it would take for us to adopt in our state (this can vary based on the agency you use, but we're in the same ballpark). So I don't feel like if we'd decided not to do it and gone straight to adoption, that we'd have had extra money to sponsor children or done some other worthy cause (besides, one of the worthy causes we ARE involved in is this blog, and considering Mara gave up her career to do so it has come at it's own financial cost…well worth it in our minds).

      Finally, regarding God's will – I guess I could ask you the same question regarding cancer and the treatment you sought. Or in a less extreme case where life and death isn't on the line, what would we say to anyone with a minor birth defect that modern science and medicine can relieve? Is the increase in infertility that many say correlates to the processed food and GMO's we all consumed for the last 30 years God's will?

      My answer in most of life's difficult questions where one asks about God's will is this: I believe God's will is for us to learn how to grow, and it doesn't matter to Him much how that happens. All life's experiences give you an opportunity for growth, including your mistakes. Trials allow the development of patience, faith, compassion, empathy, etc. Blessings allow the development generosity, gratitude, humility, etc. I don't concern myself as much with the circumstance or its outcome (in this case infertility and a child by birth or by adoption) as I do seeing it as an opportunity for growth. That I believe is God's will (James 1:2-4 is one of my favorites "Count it all joy when you fall into many afflictions; knowing this, that the trying of your faith works patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing").

      In fact, that is often our prayer each night. We ask for the miracle of having Mara's body respond well to treatments and having a child (let this cup pass from us), and then fully submit to accept and be grateful for whatever outcome is ahead (nevertheless, they will be done). It's quite freeing. And helps our prayers focus on God's power to deliver us physically (FROM a circumstance) and spiritually (IN a circumstance). Either is a tremendous miracle to be grateful for.

    • Jaxon Peterson May 24, 2013 at 6:43 pm - Reply

      “There is no enjoyment, no comfort, no pleasure, nothing that the human heart can imagine . . . that tends to beautify, happify, make comfortable and peaceful, and exalt the feelings of mortals, but what the Lord has in store for His people.”

      Givens, Terryl; Fiona Givens (2012-10-01). The God Who Weeps: How Mormonism Makes Sense of Life

      Whatever The Lord God has in store for yourself and Mara; it is beautiful and wonderful to hold onto the hope that exists in having faith in a loving Heavenly Father. He suffers when we suffer. He weeps when we weep. He longs to bless us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mara. May God bless you with all the righteous desires of your heart!

    • Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 7:37 pm - Reply

      I am sorry! I replied at the wrong place! Sorry! 😉


      Dear Danny and Mara,

      Thank you for your wonderful answer to my question. It's very inspiring and so clear! Thank you very much! Finally I can understand better and respond to my friends too.
      This child will be sooooo blessed to have you as parents!:)
      Thank you again for all you do!

  22. Alex May 24, 2013 at 7:32 pm - Reply

    Thank you, Mara, for your blog and the questions you ask. It is certainly food for thought.
    One of the comments touched me, someone mentioned the "why don't you just adopt" question when you are going through infertility treatment and it made me smile (although I fully realise what a frustrating, upsetting or even infuriating question it can be when you are dealing with infertility and all the emotions that come with it).
    My husband and I have tried making a baby the old fashioned way, but have not succeeded, despite not having problems with the getting pregnant part. Pretty soon into our journey we decided that adoption was for us, and it was in fact part of life plan before. We felt that our energy was better used pursuing that – that is not to say that we are not open to other ways of growing our family (I say growing and not making because we already are a family, the two if us!)
    We are very open about our struggles and our journey, as we are with all aspects of our life, but that has invited comments from people – the exact opposite of the "why don't you just adopt" comment! People keep telling us to not give up, to keep trying, to "why don't you try IVF?" and my personal non- favourite: do you not want your own?
    Yes, we do want our "own" and the way a child joins a family does not define who they are! These are difficult and complicated choices and I wish people supported a decision, without questioning it!

  23. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 7:34 pm - Reply

    Dear Danny and Mara,

    Thank you for your wonderful answer to my question. It's very inspiring and so clear! Thank you very much! Finally I can understand better and respond to my friends too.
    This child will be sooooo blessed to have you as parents!:)
    Thank you again for all you do!

  24. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 10:07 pm - Reply

    My heart hurts a little reading these posts in two different ways, as i feel for the women who face infertility and the daily struggles that brings, along with feeling for the children who wait daily to be adopted and the struggles that brings to these tiny hearts. i know Gods heart hurts for both as well as Scripture says He grieves with us when we are hurting. Im so thankful we dont have to hide our pain from Him as He is more compassionate and gracious than we could ever imagine, and hurts alongside us. We dont have to be strong for Him when we are weak. Something I can't get past though in this whole dialogue about infertility and adoption is James 1:27 in the Bible. The only time I've seen religion talked about in that way in the whole Bible… "Religion that God accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows" i am surprised that hasnt come up in this discussion yet. i think its worth looking at and pondering. If I may speak from my heart for a second… When I see someone like you Mara and you Danny, i feel the pain and joys of what you have walked through and I feel as if I can't help but wish you would give an orphan the chance to experience the love of God that you have found and the love from you guys that base your life and blog on. I cant help but feel i wish you would adopt. To be honest, my heart does hurt a little during these posts just knowing that a precious child that is without love and parents right now could be safe in the peace and light of your home and be given the spiritual guidance that you have found and could give. When i see people who have strong faith In God and a stable marriage (which it seems you are as good as they come in these two categories) i cant help but only wish they would consider adoption. Adoption is such a picture of how God has loved us and adopted us into His family. I would say the same about adoption even if infertility weren't in the picture. It breaks my heart that daily babies live without mothers and fathers and that more families who are stable do not adopt them. I've worked at an orphanage and these children are so dear to my heart and I know dear to Gods. It breaks my heart to know their struggles day in and day out, feeling rejection every day because no one "wants them". Every time a church group would visit the orphanage these young precious kids would get dressed up and try to fix their hair and hope that someone there would want to adopt them and that they would finally have a mom and a dad. When that church group would leave there would be an undeniable sadness and these precious kids would ask if they're not cute enough or funny enough to be wanted. These orphans are silent sufferers in our own country who daily face suffering and rejection. I only hope that more Godly people will have the faith to call them their own.. to adopt them as theirs. If every Christian (used loosely) adopted a child there could be no more orphans in the US and in other parts of the world.

  25. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 10:08 pm - Reply

    (continued)… Being a mom and a dad to the fatherless is far more worth its weight in gold than any charity cause. My heart is just big and if there is love between a stable couple then I don't know why they wouldn't allow another precious baby already alive and who is suffering to have that love. I know adoption comes with its hard moments as does everything worth fighting for, but to have a child at the end of the day that knows you fought for it and that would live very differently if you had not, is so worth it. Yes there will be struggles… Everyone says well with adoption you never know the problems you will encounter with that child that came from who knows where… But how amazing for that child to have 2 parents who are willing to walk through any struggle or trial that comes and that will be there during loving and guiding. Adoption is so important. These orphans will still be alive whether someone adopts them or not. They will live in a home thats never "theirs," and wish for a Christmas morning with a mom and dad every year that doesn't come. I remember some kids even wishing they had their own drawer, not even their own room. And even if adoption were not close to my heart, I can't escape what God says about caring for these orphans in His Scriptures. Thank you Mara and Danny for opening up the discussion for this and being vulnerable to open up your lives to all of us. I'm so grateful for that. I know however you get your babies, they will be some of the luckiest to have you as their mom and dad!

    Blessings on both of you-

    • danny May 25, 2013 at 3:48 pm - Reply

      Elise, thank you! Seriously. I think you do a great thing by bringing to light the plight of these little souls. I very much value the experience and personal knowledge that you share. You've given me and Mara (and hopefully all readers) much to think about.

      I hesitate to even comment back some ideas, because I don't want to give the impression that I disagree with you, or that I'm trying to refute what you've said. Because quite honestly, I don't think that I do. So, instead of offering any further ideas which might distract from your passionate plea…I'll just say thank you! Thank you for the actual work you've done personally with those children, and thank you for being a powerful advocate for those children.

    • Anonymous May 25, 2013 at 7:24 pm - Reply

      Thank you so much Elise for your words! It is so important! Thank you!

    • Anonymous May 26, 2013 at 4:26 am - Reply

      Thank you Danny and Anonymous for your encouragement. That means so much. I was very hesitant to write because I don't want anyone to feel judged by me (if they choose not to adopt) or worse, judged by God because I used a Scripture in what I was speaking about. I earnestly do not want that to happen. I feel it hard to write frankly on the internet about these things sometimes, knowing a conversation face to face would be better. I don't have any less respect for people because of their choice on this issue. I also know these choices don't change God's love for anyone either. It is one of those things for me that once you know about, you just can't go back and you can't not say anything. Once I have seen with my eyes these precious hearts, you want to tell others because many don't know– many just aren't aware. Many don't know the absolute need for stable couples to adopt, they don't know the pain of these tiny souls face daily or will face one day if they aren't adopted, and they also don't know how big and great of a blessing these sweet children are. I've often found with those who do choose to adopt, they feel they have been given more than they have ever given away to adopt their precious babies. The gift that their babies are to them is un-imagineable. I know my words do not do these amazing babies and children justice. I just pray that God will make up for where my words are lacking. I know there was a time that I was just not aware. I don't judge any of you, as I am so very grateful for you all. That you would even ponder these words and think through these things is remarkable. I only wish for these children that they would get to know what it's like to have a mom and a dad– to be there for them, to love them, to play with them, and to guide them through this adventurous journey of life. That is my prayer. Once again, thank you for your response. I am praying for you Danny and Mara tonight and anyone who reads this- may you be blessed this very night. We all have a heavenly Father watching over us and guiding us right now even when we cannot always see Him, and there is so much peace in that. There are so many marks of His goodness and kindness all over. May we continue to ban together to be some of those marks of goodness and love as He has loved us first. Blessings on you all this night.

    • danny May 26, 2013 at 1:08 pm - Reply

      I think Mara and I both know how difficult it can be to convey something very important to you, and then get frustrated at what a weak medium writing can be to do that.

      That's why I generally give any commenter a massive amount of credit and assume whatever they say is motivated by love and excitement to share, and not judgement or criticism. (I didn't need to give you that same massive amount :)….your words came across just fine)

  26. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 10:26 pm - Reply

    Dear Danny and Mara,
    I too am adopted and felt like speaking up on behalf of others who are as well. I commend you for even considering adopting and completely see why you would try IVF first.It is such a personal choice that it has to be one that you make from the heart regardless of what anyone says. You do what is best for YOU, regardless of the positive and negative things people might say about you and your choice.
    My mother adopted me when she was single and she could not have children naturally at all from a hysterectomy she had to undergo in her twenties. I could not have been provided a more loving environment and not a more loving and supportive mother. I am now is graduate school for my PsyD (Doctorate in Psych). The only suggestion I have is that if you do adopt, you be honest. My mom got a lot of grief from professionals for always being open about my adoption. My entire life I have had interaction both with my adoptive family and my biological. I have never not known and I was adopted at 3. I never felt like I was missing something and I never felt like I didn't fit in. Other adults thought it would be confusing for me but it was only confusing for them. I have talked to many, many adopted people and I truly think that the truth and attachment is key in a successful adoption. People, I have spoken with often felt like they were betrayed if they were adopted and then found out or they felt a longing for that other family that they had never even met. I am currently tying this into my dissertation and would love to hear others thoughts on this 🙂

    – Crystal

  27. Jennifer May 25, 2013 at 1:48 am - Reply

    I always feel uncomfortable when someone asks a question like 'Why don't you just adopt?' or 'Why are you pursuing adoption if you haven't tried IVF yet?' etc. I have heard both of these. As a mother of one biological child and one adopted child I have learned that building a family takes inspiration, strength and determination. But most importantly, I KNOW that both of my children were meant to come to my family, and both were meant to come in the way that they did. It's not arbitrary. Heavenly Father knew I had something priceless to gain from each experience, and He also knew exactly when the timing was right for me to experience each of these things. There is no wrong or right way to build a family – I believe God has a plan for each individual family, and if we learn to trust in Him and His timing, we will be amazed at how much better His plan is for us than our plan was for ourselves. We should never judge or question any one else for the way they are pursuing having children. Rather, we need to celebrate the fact that strong families can be created in a variety of ways. I thank God every day for my two beautiful, priceless children – they each bring me unspeakable joy! I am hoping for the very best for you, Danny and Mara!

    • Anonymous May 25, 2013 at 11:13 pm - Reply

      Well said, Jennifer. 🙂

  28. Anonymous May 25, 2013 at 5:54 am - Reply

    I have been following your blog off and on but coming here it tonight was at a perfect time for myself and I will be following it more closely now. I am at that fork in the road myself. IVF or Adopt? We are meeting with an RE in the next couple months with whom I am sure will say IVF is our only option. My husband and I have always talked about wanting to adopt as well as having a biological child. But now that the only way to have a biological child is to go the IVF route I find myself so torn between IVF and adoption. A lot of the stress comes from the cost. If we have failed IVF, would we even have any money left for adoption? Also, having severe endometriosis myself… the only thing that eases that disease and controls the growth and pain is by having a child. So if I don't have a bio child I am looking at countless more surgeries/pain before I eventually go into menopause.. ?Keeping my faith in God and trusting his plan is all we can do. I have a lot of praying and Listening to do to know which route we should pursue. I wish nothing but the best for you and will keep you in my prayers.
    On another note a couple months ago I read what your wrote about sharing your infertility with family and friends and how much more freeing it is than suffering alone. At the time not a soul knew how I was feeling, or even that we were TTC or at all. The thought of telling anyone made me embarrassed even. All my friends get pregnant at a drop of a hat so I knew I had no one who could understand. Well over the last couple months I have started to talk about the trying process and this week after knowing we are heading to a fertility doctor I have been able to tell a few close people about it. And your right.. it feels so much better. Having support in real like (not just in the internet world) makes a difference.

  29. Whitney and Family May 25, 2013 at 4:51 pm - Reply

    Dearest Danny and Mara:
    I found your blog a little over a year ago and quickly became obsessed. I went back and read every single entry! I absolutely adore the two of you and your perspectives on life. I quit reading regularly because we started an international adoption and all my focus turned to this world. I had a dream about you last night, though, (SO random…hope it's not creepy haha!)and thought I'd check your blog. Imagine my surprise when the question is about adoption!!
    My husband and I have three biological children. It took me two years to get pregnant with my first. During that difficult time, I thought about adoption. My mom worked for an adoption agency for years and I saw first hand the blessing and joy adoption were for all involved. I eventually got pregnant, though, and all thought of adoption left my mind. Why would I ever adopt when I could have my "own" kids?
    Two years ago, I lived through my friend adopting a four year old orphan from Ukraine. She was institutionalized simply because she has Down syndrome. My heart and mind were opened to the need of millions of orphans around the world, and I haven't been the same since. There is such a desperate need for parents. I know this is not a vision of adoption so many have of a brand newborn baby. Many of these children have special needs. Many of them are neurologically typcial at birth, but growing up in an orphanage has its consequences. It is not the way we were designed. Heavenly Father intends for us to grow in families. My husband and I knew we could be a family for one of them. We have a long, winding story of our own, but that's not the point. I would LOVE for you to check out my friend's blog (http://www.tinygreenelephants.com). They have a bio son, then adopted a 10 year old and 1 year old from Russia. They made it home just before American adoptions were banned by Russia.
    I am not commenting to suggest you shouldn't pursue IVF. Every child is a spirit needing a body, and if you can provide that, I think it's wonderful. I wouldn't trade my bio kids for anything. I also wouldn't, though, trade the TWO children we're pursuing through international adoption for anything, either 😉

  30. Anonymous May 25, 2013 at 11:08 pm - Reply

    As one who has gone the infertility drug route, the foster care route, the biological route AND the adoption route…please, please don't be like many I know and blogs I read from and use adoption as a "last resort." It is ANYTHING but that.

    Adoption is a blessing, an opportunity, a gift from HF, and a beautiful journey. It is just that, a different path than all other routes…but it is anything but a last resort. Learn about the MIRACLE of adoption and do it because you see the LOVE and the potential growth that comes from partaking in such a miraculous journey. Not because you tried everything else and it failed and adoption is the only thing left.

    That last resort mentality will rob you of all that is good and sacred about the process. Adoption is one more way that God sends his intended children down to us. It is deliberate and I have no doubt that while my daughter was delivered by another young woman, that Heavenly Father knew that this was the way that she was suppose to come to our family. She was always ours, even in Heaven. Birth mother's are sometimes simply the selfless, loving, beautiful facilitators in gifts from Heaven.

    I've been reading your blog for years and nothing you have ever said would make me think you would do it "as a last resort" or do it just because. I'm sure it will take a lot of thought and prayers to decide if it's right for you. And I beg you and your readers to view adoption differently…and esp. be careful of the wording describing your decisions. It will make a difference down the road as (maybe) your potentially adopted child sees your journaling and writings and reads it differently than it was intended. I always want my child to know that adoption wasn't something we did because everything else didn't work out. We did it because when we prayed, Heavenly Father knew that this beautiful, choice Spirit needed to come down this way to us. He needed this special Spirit to have both biological parents and adoptive parents. He needed this special Spirit's parents to go through the miraculous journey of adoption to receive the "blessing" at the end. She was not meant to come to me biologically. While I would have loved to have carried her for 9 months and given birth to her, I went through 5 months of "pregnancy" alongside a beautiful 16 year old girl who has touched my life forever. We have an open adoption. There have been times I have talked to her every day and times I have not talked to her in a year. As time heals her pains and she moves on with her own family, she tends to communicate less. But she has no desire to be my daughter's mother. She knows from answers to her prayers that her decisions allowed Heavenly Father to work miracles in our family.

    I've known so many women who have heard our story and said, I just don't think I could constantly have someone else be attached to my daughter/son for the rest of their lives. I want to be the only person in their life as their parents. It is nothing like that. And if you CHOOSE to adopt, you will quickly see that this is not the case. It is so much more than what people think.

    Adoption is a journey far different than fertility treatments. It exposes you to your human weaknesses like control and jealousy, and uncertainty and tolerance and trusting in the Lord's timing. It heals the wounds of infertility in a way that you wouldn't think possible. It shows you that you have an ability to love in many ways you didn't think possible…and far greater than you ever thought you had the possibility to love.

    Adoption helps couples let go of the way they envision perfect families are made…and allows Heavenly Father to do what he does best, steer the best course for each family in his own way, in his own time.

    Adoption is a choice and a blessing and gift from God and a miracle in many lives, not a last resort.

    Something to think about. 🙂


    • Anonymous May 26, 2013 at 8:10 am - Reply

      Amen to that!

    • danny May 26, 2013 at 1:23 pm - Reply

      Thanks for yet another passionate advocacy for adoption. And I totally agree with your way of describing adoption as a conscious and loving decision, instead of a last resort.

      Since Mara knew she was infertile before we even started dating, adoption has always been on our minds and in our conversations from the first few weeks of writing each other. We didn't pursue it right off in part because we knew there were a couple of agencies that specifically wanted a couple to be married for at least 2 or 3 years (which we just had or 3rd anniversary). So instead we started some of the treatments Mara hadn't tried in the previous marriage, and now we're where we are.

      That being said, adoption has always been on our mind, we've been aware that it may very well be our path even if we are able to conceive.

      I appreciate you sharing your journey. I'm also inspired by your decision to involve the birth mother in such a unique way. I'm sure it's been a blessing to her and helped her move on with her life in confidence.

      Thanks again.

  31. Julie May 26, 2013 at 12:26 am - Reply

    For five long years of IVF and infertility, my husband and I prayed for children. We were tired of losing, we wanted a baby. Fast forward to now- 12 years later, we are a complete family with four children (12, 10, 7, and 1) – all adopted at birth. These were the children meant to be ours. I often forget I did not give birth to them. I completely agree with Natalie above – adoption is never a lost resort. Negative press and stories are all that you hear, but thousands upon thousands of beautiful adoptions happen every year. I am the luckiest mom in the world to parent Caroline, Owen, William and Finn. Now I know why our IVF did not work – these four babies were God's plan all along.

  32. Ashes May 27, 2013 at 3:47 pm - Reply

    My husband and I found ourselves in a situation like this one. Unfortunately we could not afford IVF. We decided to adopt which ended in disrupted placement, not due to our doing but to the agency as they lied about things pertaining to the girls. My husband and I were broken hearted, but I am a firm believer that God is going to keep his word and make me a Joyous Mother of Children! This post renews my hope!

  33. coryandliz May 28, 2013 at 4:03 am - Reply

    Well guys, you know the route we took. It went pretty much just like yours. I know everyone knows about us already, as Mara posted on us early in the year about "Enjoy The Process". (Very flattered by the way!) Cory and I are at another interesting crossroads, and I thought I would just share on the immense patience ANY of these choices takes, and I think that is the lesson to be learned more than anything else. I think everyone has their own trials to go through. Ours just happens to be infertility. I came to somewhat of an epiphany one day while pondering to myself on what my purpose is here…am I meant to be a mother? Do I have a different purpose in life? Will I even be a good parent?? Maybe God knows something more about me than I do (that's a given in my book). My final comforting thoughts were…"thank God it's me". Now I know many many people battle infertility, but I thought of the people close to me that may not be able to handle this trial. I truly was comforted that it was ME! Is that odd?? I shared this with my husband and a few others, and I don't think they had the same comfort as I did, but I truly thank my Heavenly Father daily that it is ME!! I can handle this!!

    So we are trying to adopt. Yes this is the route we have decided. We have decided on allowing two years on the adoption network to try for a baby, selfish? Maybe, but it's what we felt happy with. After the two years is up, we are thinking foster is the way to go. This journey has been the Mount Everest of journeys, with two failed IVF's, a recent adoption falling through (honestly more devastating than failed IVF if anyone can relate to that??). And now, we continue this climb to parenthood. Will it happen? I certainly hope so. Can I handle this?? You bet your breeches I can!!

    We are young, we are happy in our marriage, we are happy in our careers, we are happy!! Wow!! So the lesson here is patience…it's all in God's time. The choices we make in the mean time are just the stepping stones of our lives. Every choice makes us the people who we are today! The people that twenty years from now look back and say "man, that was rough, but look how strong it made us today!".

  34. Fleetingtime May 29, 2013 at 10:10 pm - Reply

    I too am battling infertility. I just failed my first IVF last month. It was hard to deal with, still dealing with it. Wounds are still fresh. However, I don't think you are looking at IVF in the proper manner. It is not the top of the hill. If you get pregnant first time, you are very blessed and then it would be all down hill from there. But IVF is a marathon, not a sprint. I would say be willing to give it at least 3 goes before you quit and tweak each protocol enough to where you don't feel as if you are doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I read on a IVF doc's website that the first 3 tries have about an equal chance of happening, it's after that that the chances of it happening fall drastically. Even still, I see many women get pregnant on the fertility forums on #4 and beyond. Especially those with chemical pregnancies and miscarriages on IVF's 1-3. I think adoption is just as expensive or more expensive than IVF, so I would say give IVF 3 tries and then adopt if they all failed.

  35. K June 25, 2013 at 2:07 pm - Reply

    I know i am not at that point of choosing yet, i've only just started my IVF journey. I think both are perfectly great options, and one may work better for some than others.
    All i know is so many needles! Do not look forward to that part 😛

  36. Appel Mahmud July 2, 2013 at 2:13 pm - Reply

    How To Adopt A Baby Or Child
    Adoption can be daunting, confusing and downright scary. You'll be introduced to some great techniques to cut down your confusion and worries, and find out how you can be the one in control of the situation, rather than simply being along for the ride. Everything from choosing the right agency or professional, to what you should have in your adoption plan (You DO have an adoption plan, don't you?)
    Go To:>> http://is.gd/xTaQVE

  37. marilynn July 7, 2013 at 4:28 pm - Reply

    Of course pursue IVF if the result won't involve you paying to separate a child from his or her biological parents in order that one step parent might get named as parent on their birth record or worse in order that two total strangers get named as parents on their birth record. It's not fair to the person to not have a proper adoption for their protection before granting someone who is not their bio parent parental authority over them. I reunite families separated by parents who abandoned under gamete donation contracts and the donor's entire family is damaged for generations because of them abandoning their offspring. They loose the ability to know a grandchild a niece a nephew a cousin. They can't avoid dating that person for instance. They cannot share medical information or birthdays or Christmas with this person, can't bond with them at least in the first 18 years of their life – all for what? What is the purpose of splitting that family member away from the group and not recognizing them all as legal kin? This does happen in adoption too and it should not many changes to be made in adoption but there is at least court documentation of the truth to fight for and there is the dignity of written acknowledgement of the person's true identity as the child of the people who reproduced to create them to fight for.

    Adoptive parents generally speaking have nothing to do with the reason why the parents chose not to raise the person. The person can reasonably separate their feelings of love for the people raising them from the pain of having parents who did not want to or could not raise them for whatever reason. A sense of rejection by the biological parent is going to exist for the person in both donor cases and in adoption cases because it happened it is just a fact. The degree to which they are unhappy about that rejection will vary but it happened so they will feel it. The chief difference is that Adoptive parents did not want the person to be rejected by his or her parents, it happened before they entered the picture so their hands are clean unless they knew the parents prior to birth and in some way enticed them to relinquish. The goal should be to have had nothing to do at all with the relinquishing parents so the person can easily separate their feelings about who raised them from who did not. It won't matter who gave birth. Biological fathers are fathers due to being biologically related to the child and same goes for mothers. Bottom line is that the person won't recall the pregnancy experience they were not born yet. Not being pregnant allows the bio mother to distance herself from the fact it really is her child and being pregnant allows a woman who is not the mother to appear to others as if she is or to feel closer to the other woman's child but the person she gives birth won't remember any of that. It's not relevant to their lived experience and there is no biological evidence in their own body that connects them to anyone other than their biological parents. Pregnancy by the unrelated woman is a novelty for her own bonding experience it was not essential to the creation of the person anyone could have carried and delivered them their mother could have carried and delivered them and they'd be the same person still being raised by this other woman and that is their lived experience their bond with her comes from being raised by her not being carried by her.

  38. Jacqui Low July 13, 2013 at 12:17 am - Reply

    This really makes me appreciate what my mother went through to have me:)

    Thanks for the wonderful post!

  39. Shovo July 27, 2013 at 5:52 am - Reply

    How To Adopt A Baby Or Child
    Adoption can be daunting, confusing and downright scary. You'll be introduced to some great techniques to cut down your confusion and worries, and find out how you can be the one in control of the situation, rather than simply being along for the ride. Everything from choosing the right agency or professional, to what you should have in your adoption plan (You DO have an adoption plan, don't you?)
    Go To:>> http://is.gd/xTaQVE

  40. Anonymous August 21, 2013 at 11:39 pm - Reply


    Just wanted to add that although the assessment process to adopt is very difficult the moment you are holding your baby in your arms you forget all the challenges and your life changes forever. After we had brought our son home, he was 9 mths when we adopted him, I realised that as high as my expectations of being a mother was the reality was far better. Each and every day we get these wonderful golden memories that I will cherish forever.

    Before starting on the adoption journey we had considered donor egg IVF as well.

    We are now hoping for a second, it took five years to adopt our son and we are already five years going through the adoption assessment on the second. It is such a challenging journey and there are times when I think I can't take any more upsets and maybe we should be a family of the three of us.

    However the time we are spending is just a small part of our life journey and when we finally have our families complete which we have forever to enjoy and treasure them.

  41. Cruz-Young September 23, 2013 at 4:29 pm - Reply

    We are facing the same path now Adoption vs. IVF. These past few days have truly been the hardest because making this choice is NOT easy. But God works in mysterious ways and I have been praying for some guidance and here I am reading on the same topic we are struggling with.

    All you’re posting have been for me God’s way of helping us and I thank you for sharing!
    What I have learned based off your posting is that there is no easy option and there is no “vs.” as the outcome in one choice does not out weight the other and Lord knows the road no matter which way we turn will be a bumpy one. My hope is that we will become a family of more than just us two. My desire is that I can share the wonderful love I have with my friend/husband with another soul. We live in a society that believes “that having your own” is better than adoption.

    But until you are faced with infertility and until you are at this cross road between adoption and IVF is when you start to wonder what is better. ..?

    So what is best for us is to commit to our choice 100%, to trust that God always has us in his favor that regardless of the outcome…my lesson, my experience won’t be better if I continue to second guess myself the whole ride.

    Wish you all the Best!

  42. Anonymous December 30, 2013 at 4:22 pm - Reply

    i just happen to read your blog, its not an easy choice to make, from emotional, physical & financial. everything rolled up in one gaint ball sitting and starign at us. from what i read here seems like many of you have gone thru this. i am a wife of a cancer survivor, up until now my entire concentration was it to make him better and deal with the rest later. Now, especially by holidays seems like we are bounced with the question of kids "why don't you just adopt or IVF and get an egg donor". its not easy, but until you dont wear these shoes and walk a mile one doesn't get it. i understand all this is a complete personal choice issue. but for 10 yrs, i have brain washed myself no kids. now my i question myself. any pointers, guidelines would be helpful.
    Wish you all the Best.

  43. Anonymous February 15, 2014 at 10:28 am - Reply

    Hello I am doing an RP essay which I need to state for and against points for adoption/IVF, does any one have any ideas for adoption rather than IVF. I would appreciate any replies.

  44. m and c May 1, 2015 at 9:46 am - Reply

    Danny- Not sure if you remember us, Marney and Clarke Schaumann back from the good old BYU accounting program days? I just randomly stumbled across your blog and realized that we know you. We are in the adoption process right now (you can check out our blog here, https://operationadopt.wordpress.com/). Even though we are going down the adoption path I still find myself wishing I could give birth again myself one day. I see that this post was from 2 years ago, and haven't checked to see if IVF worked for you guys. But just wanted to connect! – Marney

  45. Anonymous August 12, 2015 at 2:16 pm - Reply

    I'm in the same position you are. Due to a severe case of endometriosis getting pregnant naturally isn't easy for me. We decided to give ivf a shot. Ordered the medicines. They came in a big box. So many drugs and syringes . I couldn't believe I was putting all that in to my body. In addition to that the horror stories I heard about the various procedures. And after all that I wasn't even sure I was gonna get pregnant. All the test and medicines had already eaten up a large chunk of our bank balance . so right before we began the cycle I and my husband had a discussion and we decided not to go ahead with it. We thought adoption is a much better choice for us as there are a lot of kids in this world who have no one to love them . it's what we felt right. Others may think differently. It's just my story. Thought I would share it here.

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