05 February 2013

Aloha!


Hello, everyone!  We are in MAUI!  I still can't believe we're here.  It just feels so far from the winter of New York.  We're so, so happy and grateful to be here.  Danny was so cute and on the plane as we got close, he leaned over and said, "Happy Baby Moon!"  We certainly didn't expect this trip and certainly didn't expect another possible baby moon.  But, I guess the timing really is perfect.  :)  We'll take it!

Our first day here was not what you'd expect.  There is a guy that Danny works with distantly (he lives in another state) but somehow, he and Danny recently had some great conversations about marriage and love.  This co-worker shared many of the things with his wife and it turns out she spent the next while reading our entire blog!  (wow!)  And since they were going to be in Maui as well for the company trip, they wanted to get together to pick our brains about life and marriage and love - and especially the idea of attachment.  And so, we met for breakfast and one conversation led to another.  We ended up spending the entire day with them.  They shared all the things they've been doing for the last few years to try to develop something truly great, and we shared every bit that we could with them from our own experience.  It really has been an amazing day.  It's always cool when blog connections turn into real life connections, especially when you get to hear another's story of how they've come to understand love in a healthier light, and how that realization improves marriages and relationships.

[Also, regarding that topic of attachment.  Do you know that Danny and I are actually pretty much "unattached" to each other?  It's a LOT to explain, which is why we decided to talk about it in our on-line marriage class.  (We promise we're bringing those classes back SOON.)  But yeah, learning to unattach ourselves from our partners, experiences, future family, possessions, outcomes, etc., is actually the secret to our marriage - and it's truly the greatest offering of love we give each other.  You see, attachment means you have expectations that need to be met in order for you to feel whole, well, happy, worthy, etc.  But we get that wholeness and self-worth elsewhere, not from each other.  See how good that can be?]

Also, thanks to your suggestions, we also went to Ululani's Hawaiian Shaved Ice!  Whoa.  That stuff is no joke.  It really was the creamiest, softest, shaved ice ever.  Though I haven't had sugar in awhile and that was one crazy sugar rush, oh my.



Though my favorite thing to eat so far has just been macadamia nuts.  They have them everywhere and I'm enjoying some of the dry roasted/sea salt variety as I type.  Danny thinks they taste like shortbread.  :)
And, I just had to show you my skirt!  It turns out that ever since we used some African prints in our first Harvey Faircloth collection in 2009, I have had a mild obsession with African prints.  We're talking the waxed Dutch cottons with the amazing patterns (there is actually quite a history related to this type of cloth.  There's a great article about it here.)  Anyway, this skirt from Kenya is available for cheap at Live Worldly.  Just thought I'd share.  :)

Much love from Hawaii,

Mara


Follow A BLOG ABOUT LOVE on:
Twitter @ablogaboutlove 
Pinterest
  
Facebook
 (We so appreciate all the "likes"!  thank you.)
ABAL Book Club 
Babble Voices & The Equals Record

21 comments:

  1. You're great articulators, and so i'm very interested/curious to see/hear how you tackle "attachment"--I know exactly what you're talking about, but i haven't heard/seen the issue talked about with great precision.
    This comment is turning out to be much more sterile-sounding than I meant.
    What I meant: Looking forward to more of your well-spoken wisdom!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the great skirt resource Mara! I am ordering one now!

    I have loved reading what you and Danny have written so far about attachment and I am excited to hear more. As always, it is inspiring and makes me work hard to be better and better.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. Have so much fun! Hawaii is the best!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ooh, attachment. I have so many thoughts on this! My last relationship fell apart because of a independence (me) vs. dependence (him) issue. We always struggled to find a balance in our relationship because he said I didn't make him feel "needed," and I could never figure out what I could DO to make him feel valued in my life. I think it was more of a vibe/feeling than an action though...because it's true, I didn't NEED him. I cared for him, I enjoyed him, I liked him, but I didn't NEED him. Some people to need & feel needed in a relationship, and I'm not one of them. I want to have love, but not NEED. I know I can stand on my own two feet and give solid, committed love and I want to be with someone who I know could keep their world turning without me too. I know it doesn't sound overly romantic, but it sounds healthy and appealing to me. Two independents, adding goodness and affection to each other's lives -- this is the kind of love I look for. And now I need to write a blog post on all of this, haha

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your blog post is very topical for me today. I am an LDS American expat living in Lagos, Nigeria. I just spent a good share of the day in the big fabric market here looking for a good wax block print for a friend back in Texas to use for a particular quilt pattern. She had seen a quilt I had made using these very active and colorful prints. I searched looking at hundreds of fabrics for just the right one. So although I knew some of the history of the prints, the article you linked to gave me even more insight into them and I forwarded it to the friend that spent the day in the market with me. The visual stimulation of these colorful African fabrics on clothing around me is one of the very wonderful things about life here. I like your skirt! I enjoy your blog! Have a great time in Hawaii!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have a really important question... in all serious... is being "unattached" and loving your spouse with that kind of fierce love just exhausting?? After a week of trying to do that I felt like I needed a vacation! To think through trying to be unattached and to think about being more loving made me exhausted. Is it exhausting for you and Danny?? I can't imagine doing that all the time, every day of every year! It sounds tiring to me just writing about it. :/ I'm not trying to be a negative commenter... I truly want to know. Maybe I don't understand fully what you guys are talking about if that is the outcome of me trying it. When you first started doing these things was it exhausting to you and then got better.. or do i have it wrong completely and it shouldn't be exhausting??
    thanks!!!! have fun!!! -elise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually - it's THE MOST freeing thing I've ever experienced. I have never felt more joy and peace than when I've lived this way. Basing your wellness on the every mood and action of another person is the rockiest roller coaster you could ever be on...to me, THAT is exhausting. When I lived that way, I had never been more drained of energy and life.

      Now, in the beginning, the transition could maybe be difficult depending on your past patterns. But once you taste the freedom that can come from not putting your worth and happiness in someone else's hands, you will never turn back. It's the most liberating thing in the world. I need to write a big ol' post about this. It will be coming soon, I hope.

      Delete
  7. Hi you cute bloggers!! I hope you're having fun in Maui!! How do you love someone and remain unattached at the same time?? Do you ever doubt your love for one another? I would think if there is an amotsphere of
    "we are happy and we don't need each other," how do you not doubt your spouses love for you? Do you ever doubt your love for your other spouse? I feel like in a lot of relationships at least one person wonders if the other person really loves them. I feel like that is a pretty common thing to hear. In what you and D are talking about, are you saying to just do loving actions all the time and then your spouse will feel love? Won't that make your spouse feel like they dont really love *YOU*? I'm very intrigued by this topic!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am also intrigued by the attachment topic. How are you not attached to the one you love? I love my husband more than anything and I really value out relationship, I'm quite attached to him actually! If I wasn't attached to him and didn't feel the way I do about him it would be a lot harder to move to the east coast with him and leave all my family and friends behind, I am pregnant too and the only support we will have out there is each other. But we are about to move in two months and I'm not worried at all because we are so attached and have such a solid relationship. Doesn't being attached to your spouse and knowing that neither one of you wants to lose what you have make you want to try harder in a marriage. Maybe I just don't understand-- probably not because I'm totally confused. I hope to hear more from you and Danny on this! Thanks Mara!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Mara,
    I find the "attachment" topic very interesting as well and am waiting to read more of your thoughts. However, I wonder if "unattachment" is the right concep/word to describe what you and Danny live... I felt you referred more to emotional dependence rather than "attachment". I think the latter is not necessarily a bad thing, depending how you define it.

    There is a specific "attachment theory" in psychology, which talks about how a child develops attachment to his parents and etc. I am by no means an expert and my one psychology class is far way, but from a quick look on Wikipedia, I would describe the attachment between you and Danny as "secure attachment" according to that theory, because you are comfortable with BOTH intimacy AND autonomy. What do you think? This would be in contrast to other unhealthy styles of attachment.

    That said, on a spiritual level, I can see how it is good to learn to "detach" or "unattach" ourselves to anything in life, including a spouse. Isn't this was Jesus meant when he said: "Happy the poor in spirit"? When we put our faith and hope in God, the source of Love and Peace, then we do not "need" anything else for our happiness. Everything we receive is a gift... and if it is taken away from us it can become an offering; we can choose freely to let it go. (I'm reading a book on inner freedom now...)

    Another thought: It just occurred to me that to have "needs" is not necessarily a bad thing - all humans have needs... it makes us vulnerable and can prompt us to reach out to others and connect with each other. But perhaps our needs become an obstacle/burden when they translate into specific expectations that we put on a specific person/specific events? For me, this type of expectations are different than "attachment", which is a wider concept.

    Ok, all these thoughts are pretty unorganized. I think these issues are complex and it is hard to find the right words, because they can mean different things. But I do think that intuitively I grasp and agree with what you are saying! Hopefully you can disentangle this for us in a post! -L.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Enjoy youy Baby Moon Mara, you so much deserve it ! Also, I love your skirt, it reminds me of fabrics we brought back from Cameroon.

    ReplyDelete
  11. how beautiful and what fun! :)

    xo
    purposelyathome.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey this is really very great. feeling nice after seeing the attachment.
    Have a nice time ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Shaved ice cream! Looks yummy. Very nice pictures and I'm glad you had a great time!

    Mr. MakingUsmile

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hello Mara! While looking for ideas for my own blog, I stumbled onto your blog!! I have only skimmed it, but plan to explore it more!! It looks very interesting and you have some great ideas....my hubs and I love Maui, if you get a chance, Mama's Fish House is excellent!! Aloha!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love your blog!!! I am trying to make some positive changes in my life--basically trying to be happy and see the good in things regardless of my circumstances. I also wouldn't mind helping my marriage a bit. :) Do you have any books you suggest for trying to be more positive and/or helping my marriage? Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh boy have fun!! How I wish I was there!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm so looking forward to hearing about how you practice emotional independence and unattachment. I feel like I need so much work in this area -- I'm either grossly unattached and cold or else so unhealthily dependent. I wish I knew somewhere in between...it would likely improve my marriage too! Have a wonderful holiday!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi, yes please have your friend explore the term "attachment theory" as used in psychology. The implications of being "securely attached" (rather than ambivalently or avoidantly attached) to loved ones creates emotional indepedence, condfidence, and ability to love in a way that is harmonious to our souls. There is an amazing book about this by Robert Karen. AMAZING. It is really a must read. It has subtly but completely changed the way that I interact with my children and helped me to be such a joyful parent. Anyway, I do think the terminology is worth investigating since the word attachment will mean the opposite thing to those familiar with this theory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *confidence* hard to type on this witto phone ;)

      Delete
  19. When you talk about being "unattached" are you talking about avoiding codependency?

    ReplyDelete

We love hearing from you! We read each and every comment. Thanks so much for taking the time to contribute to the blog.

Hostgator Promo Code