16 January 2013

In Case You Need a Boost

Being newly divorced or fresh from a break-up can often times be when you need a little boost.  Hopefully friends and family are there to support you.  I was so lucky to have that when my first husband left.  My friends and family were amazing.  Even now I can't believe all they did for me.

Today I thought I'd share a few lines that people shared with me during the divorce...ones that made a difference. 

From my beloved acupuncturist/spiritual healer:

"You are a gift.  Be with someone that will treat you like that.  You have so much to offer.  Be with someone who will bring that same energy and power to you."

"Leave a legacy...learn to be happy."


From a friend, divorced and now happily remarried:

"Even though it doesn't feel like it now, before long, your life will be so different that your ex husband will seem like a distant boyfriend.  I promise that life really will move on and be so great again." 

From my mother:

"Consider any money you've lost as an investment in your own peace.  You'll make all the money back, anyway." 

From many friends:

"Guys will come knocking down your door.  Also, I know someone I want to set you up with." 

From a cute/normal guy on the train on the VERY FIRST DAY I did not wear my wedding ring (he got off at my stop and lived in the neighborhood):

"Hi there.  How are you?  I was wondering if I could take you out for a drink?"  Me: "Oh, no thank you (dying), but I am just barely going to be newly single."  Handsome subway stranger:  "That's good news for me.  I'd love to take you to dinner whenever you're ready. 

Ha!  Well, there you have it...some things that boosted my spirits during a rough time.  I now pass them onto you.  And I hope you have similar lines coming your way from your loved ones. 

Do you remember any things that people told you after a break-up that made a difference?

-Mara

(Cute print from Cheryl Szabo Yau, available on Etsy)

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29 comments:

  1. Don't chase after anyone. If he wants to get to know you, he'll be doing all the work (and the chasing).

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  2. Mara, I always love your words of wisdom! I think a trickier subject (one I'm tackling right now) is how to approach the situation when you realize your own habits of behavior are a big part of a fractured relationship- when you realize YOU'VE been the one who hasn't been treating your partner like a gift, and that you've been taking energy from the relationship you haven't been giving back.

    There is so much relationship book crap out there, and to a certain extent I think women have been socially conditioned to believe we're automatically 'better' at relationships than men are...and it's a tough, but much-needed realization to come to that that simply isn't the case, and can be a very damaging way of looking at things. We're all just people who, at the heart of it, want to be loved and be vulnerable as well as find someone we can love and create a safe space for vulnerability with us.

    Would love to hear your thoughts on that topic!

    Keep up the amazing work - love the natural products you've featured lately!

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    1. Natalie,

      I think one of the bravest and greatest investments in happiness someone can make is the admission to responsibility in things that go wrong.

      When I am in that position (lol, who I am I kidding, I am always in some way or another in that position, I will always have something to work on!) I have to remind myself to take it instance by instance, one day at a time.

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    2. Lauren, thank you so much for those kind words! These realizations have certainly hit me like a ton of bricks, but are a great opportunity to, at the heart of it, connect better with myself - and in doing so, connect better with others. It's so hard to look past our own egos sometimes, but I've really learned that the best thing is to examine ourselves very carefully first. Jumping to the idea that if your partner isn't responding to you the way you want or expresses frustration with you that he doesn't deserve you seems more ego-driven than true self-examination. Great advice on taking it one day at a time!

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  3. Mara, I didn't realize how much I needed these today. I am going through a a rough patch -- the end of a 17-year marriage -- and sadly don't have friends or family checking in on my tender and broken heart. So thank you.

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    1. Mia - I'm so sorry to hear that. This just hit me hard and I know this sounds crazy, but I actually write this blog mostly for those who might need it - like you! So know that someone in Brooklyn is checking in on you each day in the best way I can with my little posts. :) And I'm sending you all the best wishes for lots of good and happy times this year.

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    2. Hang in there, Mia. I am going through a divorce too. A friend directed me to Mara's site (a happily married friend) when I was at my weakest and I hope that this blog does for you what it did for me. I am happier now than I was at the start. I also saved my words of wisdom from friends. Last New Years I read this and it helped. Hope it helps you!!!

      The lotus is a flower that blooms in the mud.
      The thicker and deeper the mud, the more
      beautiful the lotus blooms...

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  4. Oh yes, so much wisdom in this post. I love people and their kind words. The words that stick with me most are one time in college when I was completely head over heels for a boy who spent every day with me for months, and then one day met another girl and quickly became engaged. I was CRUSHED. And jealous. And I wanted to "win" his attention back. A dear friend of mine sat me down and said, "Katie, do you really want to spend the rest of your life convincing someone they want to be with you?" It hit me like a welcome ton of bricks. Why WOULD I want that? Even if he did magically change his mind and decided he wanted to be with me, what victory is that? I managed to convinced him to be in love with me? That was no relationship or marriage I wanted. Her conversation with me was an important turning point in that saga and also in the way I approached dating after that. If a guy wasn't into me, I checked out and moved on.

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  5. My brother offered to hurt him for me...it gave me a much needed laugh :)

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  6. I am just ending a very painful four year relationship, where after choosing a ring and asking my dad to marry me, he choose to cheat on me with a 22 year old. I am turning 40 this year, as is he, and so feeling like I had found love after so many years of waiting, and then to have this happen is profoundly painful.

    So many sweet friends and family have offered me great advice and wisdom, including the following:

    When God takes somebody out of your life, don't go chasing after them.

    Good (or bad) things fall apart, so better things can fall together.

    If they are dumb enough to let you go, be smart enough to let them leave.

    From my baby brother: When you find the person who is right for you, they will never do anything that would risk losing you because the very thought of being without you, will be persuasive enough.

    From a guy who had no idea what I was going through: "Please tell me you are single and available." Just hearing that somebody else could possibly want to take me out after all of this, and the self-esteem wrecking ball that stems from a cheating partner, made me cry in hope of a better future.

    Friends who didn't know what to say to make me feel better, but stayed with me anyway if for no other reason than to fill his void.

    A sweet friend who demanded that I stay with her and her husband and their children simply so she could distract me for a week. And when I finally went home, she sincerely told me that the guest room could be mine anytime. Just the though of loving friends makes me teary.

    Break ups are such horrible time periods; we are all so fragile and just need anybody to love us. Thanks for always sharing your heartache and your beautiful story of hope, which reminds us all that there is always light in darkness. You are beautiful example of things working out for the best.

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    1. Amy - my heart goes out to you so much. So glad you have good friends...they sound like the best ever.

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  7. Getting hit on is one of the best things that can happen- go somewhere that this can happen, even if you shy away and don't give out any numbers!

    Also,

    My Dad asked me if anyone I knew would be happy about me and my ex possibly calling off our divorce and staying together. I thought about it and told him no, not really. He told me "It's because everyone loves you. They want you to live a happy life and they are happy to see an ugly part of your life go away."
    That made me realize that others often see what we can't in those hard moments. Listen to what your friends and family are saying because they are the ones who love you and want what's best for you!

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    1. I love, love, love your Dad's wise words. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  8. :) Perfect timing for this post.

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  9. Something along the lines of... "that guy was a douchbag...your so much better off." :)

    In all seriousness, after a particularly bad breakup I just remember feeling so much love and support from those around me. One thing that always stuck out in my mind were my friends and family who were crying with and for me... you know, mourning with those who mourn. It was great.

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  10. A coworker bought me a copy of It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken. It was cheesy at times, but actually ended up being really helpful. It included this gem, which now replays over and over in my head: "The best worst news is that he's probably not pining away for you-- which makes it all the easier to get over him because HOW DARE HE NOT BE?!"

    It does a great job of not completely demonizing him, and also empowering the female reader. You are still awesome, it says, and one day you'll feel awesome again.

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  11. I really needed this. Thank you for doing what you do. x

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  12. Adorable print - and how cute is that guy on the train?! Loved that story, made me smile :)

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  13. Oh Mara, thank you thank you! This post is so timely! Just seven days ago I served divorce papers on my husband of 12 years. It's not what I wish for our family, but it had to be done. I had a very blue day yesterday and cried like I never have before, especially because I have so much fear of the future. To wake up this morning and read this fills my heart with hope. Thank you :')

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  14. I love Mom's advice about lost money being an investment in peace. I bet her advice could go a long way with any financial distress. And the words of your acupuncturist about leaving a legacy... sharing your happiness and compassion is lighting up this little corner of the internet. Love you, sis.

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  15. What a timely blessing. I went looking for your blog on my lunch break. My chest is absolutely aching over my relationship at present moment. We're in a hard & scary time right now and I'm left to watch & wait for the outcome. I needed this advice, these comments, & a reminder of the hope on the other side should we not go forward after this.

    My friend gave me this advice, which has hit me very hard as of late:
    "If you don’t want me to be negative about this man, he needs to stop doing such negative things to you."

    -Kait

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  16. In life there are things that are hard to avoid, i have not gone through a divorce but i can imagine how at first it can feel like its the end of the world. but i always believe that there is something good lying ahead.

    sometimes back i got into a relationship with a guy whom i later came to realize that he was married. leaving him seemed a bit hard because its like i was afraid of being single(no one wants to be single anyway.) little did i know that men were outside there waiting for me. am happy i finally got enough courage to call it off.

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  17. Mara,

    I can't help but think of a place, where I am gratefully no longer, but that I wonder if other women do experience to ... a place where in a position like this their self-worth is such that they cannot hear the reality in words like this. That for them the idea that a man will desire them again is laughable, or that people thinking the legitimately are beautiful and have a lot to offer does not register with them.

    Coming out of that place for me required that I find help on my own. I was too shut down to be honest with anyone about how I felt ... but do you have any thoughts for the girl (or guy) who doesn't get hit on, or who doesn't experience or believe all the promises people make about their future.

    Even though I now know what I would have said to myself, I have no idea if that would work for others in a similar state ... any wisdom? :)

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  18. Mara,

    Thank you. i needed that today. xo

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  19. Mara,

    Thank you so much. These words of support are so comforting. Knowing that other people have also felt the ache and emptiness that I am feeling right now and have come out of it okay, gives me courage and hope to move forward. I feel so loved and supported and so aware of Gods love for me. Your blog post about break-ups is part of that. On Sunday my 3 year relationship ended and starting over is a daunting task. Thank you!

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  20. I love you so much that you always share something useful in your blog. Like this blog, I really think we need some boost in our life to stimulate when we are frustrated. We need someone standing by our side when we overcome all kinds of difficulties in our life. A true friend and a lover are important for everyone to cherish forever!

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  21. The best thing that helped me to recover wasn't good advice necessarily, but good friends who would just listen, assured me that I was strong and stayed by me after the divorce. My biggest fear was feeling awkward and not fitting in with my friends who were still married. So... I guess the best thing people said to me when I got divorced was that they were proud of how strong I was... even if I was crying in private.

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  22. thank for share your article... nice post..

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  23. Being a newly divorced woman myself (3 months now since my divorce was final) this post means a lot to me and helps me a lot. I plan on reading it over and over and sharing it with the women in my divorce support group.

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