Friends & Infertility

Today’s topic is a sensitive one, but worth discussing.

As you can imagine, I have known and met many, many women who have been trying to conceive.

It’s interesting how that goes….once you’re in ‘That Club’ (the one no one wants to be in), you are privvy to more info. and get to be ‘in the know’ on who else is also trying to get pregnant.  Yes, there is bonding.  Similar to the moms chatting at a play group.  Except there’s no play group.  And a lot of  talk about pee sticks, doctor’s office adventures, and what you’re going to try next.  But, it’s actually quite wonderful to have someone to talk to.  I guess, too, there is something comforting in knowing you really aren’t the only one.

But, what happens when someone in ‘The Club’ does get pregnant?  How does that go?  Does that person dare tell her remaining infertile friends?  Does she ignore sharing the news as long as possible and hope that her infertile friends will find out from others?  Will the infertile friends now want to avoid their pregnant friends, because it’s too painful to hear about babies kicking and nursery planning?  Oh man, what awkward – even painful – social situations could arise here. 

Well, since I’m a veteran here, may I take a stand and encourage us all to just rise above these silly encounters, if possible.  It is just a shame to let a pregnancy or lack thereof change the level of love and respect and friendship that two women can have for each other.  The truth is, pregnant women need friends.  Women with babies need friends.  Infertile women need friends.  Women who have chosen not to have children need friends.  And it’s up to all of us to support our friends in whatever stage they are in.

I have amazing friends, I tell you.  Just recently one of them got pregnant.  And she sent me an email from across the country to let me know.  I was one of the first she told.  I felt honored that she let me in on her exciting news.  I was so happy she didn’t feel like she had to hold back.  And recently I got one of those awesome attack-hugs from a dear friend who got pregnant after many, many years of trying.  Best thing ever.  I’ve had SO many friends share their excitement of pregnancy or the love of their children with me as they normally would – just because we are friends.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Here are a few bits of advice for friends who are mothers or who are pregnant:

1.  Realize that women are at many different stages when facing infertility.  There often times is a dark stage when women feel much despair and feel on the outside of society – even among friends and family.  Many women get through this time and come to a place of peace.  As a good friend, you could try to be sensitive to the stage one might be in at the time.  You could even ask them directly how they are doing and how much they’d like to talk about what they are facing.

2.  Try not to judge.  An infertile friend might be acting in ways she normally wouldn’t (she also may be drugged with hormones).  She may need your patience.

3.  If you are pregnant or a mother – include your infertile friends in conversations that you would naturally want to have with a friend and see how it goes.  Personally, I prefer that friends don’t have to walk on eggshells around me.  And as a woman who would love to have kids, I love getting the scoop on motherhood from my friends and often initiate those conversations.  But, if that normal conversation doesn’t seem to be going well, you can ask your friend directly if she needs some space from talking about babies.

4.  Respect boundaries, if they arise.  Realize that though you may be very involved in many conversations about her treatments and even dates for big days, there may come a time when you get an abrupt silent treatment and you may feel as though you’re no longer privy to the info. any more.  Most likely, your friend is pregnant.  Or had a miscarriage.  Either way, give it a wee bit of time and play the dance.  Hold back the infertility questions if your friend has pulled back.  Though I’m sure anyone would appreciate someone just checking-in periodically to see how they’re doing.

5.  Include your friends in your kids’ lives.  I absolutely adore my friends’ kids.  But their parents are so sweet and include me in their kids’ lives.  It has been such a sweet and generous offer – one of the most beautiful I have ever experienced.

And here are some bits of advice for infertile friends:

1.  Try not take offense.  May I kindly suggest that most people have good intentions (though their words may come out wrong in the moment when they are nervous about how to act or what to say to a friend who is infertile or they simply do not have the knowledge or experience.)  Also, in many cases, I’ve noticed that some infertile women take offense to comments by people who don’t even know the situation.  I think it’s unfair to blame them.  As in all situations in life, taking offense harms you more than it harms another person.

2.  Do not hold a friend’s pregnancy or motherhood against them.  There is a huge opportunity here to learn how to replace your jealousy and pain with real love for your friends.  Being able to extend genuine congratulations, happiness and excitement to your pregnant friend is a big deal…but it’s possible and worth shooting for.

3.  Look on the bright side of knowing some mothers and pregnant women.  There’s a lot to learn (I have learned sooo much!)  Plus, you’ll want all those connections some day if you have a child.

4.  Communicate with your friends, as soon as you feel the time is right.  Most women I know have had an immense burden relieved when they have let their closest friends and family know that they are facing infertility.  I highly recommend it.  Also, along the way, feel free to directly tell people if you need some space or if you prefer to not talk about things for awhile.  

5.  Try to remember that you aren’t the only one facing a difficult time.  Your friends – though they have kids- actually may be facing something difficult in their lives and they may need your support, too.  Trials come in all shapes and sizes and they don’t come to a halt when someone gets pregnant or has a baby.  In the end, we are all in it together – no matter what we are facing.

Dear friends, I would LOVE to hear your input here.  I am sure many would love to read your comments, too, as this is a situation many face.  What have your friendships been like during infertility?  Or with an infertile friend?

Much love to all,


(Images: 1-Heiner Luepke, 2-unknown, 3-Rose & Crown, )

Twitter @ablogaboutlove 
 (We so appreciate all the “likes”!  thank you.)
ABAL Book Club
Babble Voices & The Equals Record

Related Posts

Get The About Love Experience


  1. pneu December 5, 2012 at 8:56 am - Reply

    I'm not in this situation, but I think this advice applies to me as a single who would like to find a guy and get married. It certainly helps to remind myself that I'm not alone, and to consciously decide to celebrate when my friends get married and have babies. Maybe the most important thing to remember is that it's just part of life for some people to have what I want, and it's my privilege as their friend to share their happiness for them. It's okay to let myself be sad sometimes, too, but when those happy moments come, they're so, so worth sharing!

    I love what Tollipop (check out her blog!) wrote on a similar topic:
    I wonder at how some things
    can be so difficult and
    some things so good.
    How people struggle
    with challenges
    not of their making.
    How the (understandable)
    quest for fairness
    can only delay healing.
    How crucial it is to
    pluck every rose
    from a thorny path.
    How gratitude
    one's landscape and
    what a shame it is to
    miss the chance
    to laugh when
    hardly anything
    seems funny at all.

    • Anonymous December 5, 2012 at 9:51 am - Reply

      I love that you said this about being single. When I was single, I was always happy for those finding someone and getting married – as in thanks for sharing your happiness ( I hope this will happen to me too someday!)! But, now that I am getting married, I have single friends that have reacted very badly. They didn't mean to, but they did and now I am sort of afraid to tell other friends who are single and want to find their special someone too. It's horrible!

    • mara December 5, 2012 at 6:05 pm - Reply

      I am SO glad you guys have been able to see this relates to other situations, like being single. It absolutely does. Thanks for pointing that out. And, love that poem. Thank you for sharing.

  2. niceworkjenn December 5, 2012 at 9:09 am - Reply

    I love this post. As someone who is fast approaching 3 years of trying, with still no baby, I've been through the dark, and for now I've come to a place of peace. But it's certainly been a difficult journey. But even in my darkest hours, I didn't want my friends to hide their joy and their pain from me, even if it was baby related!

  3. Anonymous December 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm - Reply

    Mara, i have a question for you. My friends sister has been trying to conceive since she got married 4 years ago, and 2.5 years ago my friend got pregnant out of wedlock (she married the guy and are so happy i couldnt have picked someone better for her) and shejust recently.had her second child. I found out i am pregnant less than a week ago, and although im engaged its hard for me because having a baby right now wasn't part of the plan. I love my baby already, but how do i learn to love and accept the charge given to me by our Father?

    • mara December 5, 2012 at 6:18 pm - Reply

      Anon – I remember some early days in my twenties when pregnancy would have been downright devastating to me. Of course then, I didn't know a thing about surrendering to circumstances. What I would say now is – to try and let go of what your original plan was…it's ok to grieve over the plans you had. But, try to put your thoughts and energy towards accepting this new path. See it as an opportunity to learn and progress into a better woman…and if you need some extra power to do this, channel the love that you have or would hope to have as a mother. Getting to a place of peace is a big deal, but I think love can fuel the process…i.e. working to be at peace out of LOVE for others can empower you and motivate you. I believe building this kind of character is the most important thing! More important than jobs, timelines, monetary success, and any plans we may have had. I had to go through this same process when a baby wasn't coming…and then also when my husband left. My life at that time did not look like ANYTHING I had planned on. But I worked day and night to surrender to it. And it was the most triumphant thing I've ever done.

      All the best to you on this journey! xo

    • danny December 5, 2012 at 10:52 pm - Reply

      One other suggestion…I sometimes find it helpful to imagine what you're going to think about this whole thing in 5 or 10 years. My guess is at that time you might look back and kind of laugh and the perspective you once had. Whereas right now it's not in the plans and so it seems uncomfortable, in the future it is going to be such a normal part of life that you won't be able to imagine life without your baby.

      The reason I try to do this is it helps me realize that if at one point in my life I'm going to be totally okay with how things turned out and in fact grateful for what I've learned as a result…I can then ask myself what will it take to feel now what I know I'll feel then? Is there a part of that future joy that I can experience now? If one day you're going to totally own your role as mother, does that mean you can own some of that right now?

      I go through a similar exercise with any kind of disappointment that comes to my life. I've learned enough to know that eventually I'm going to be grateful for what I learned as a result of something, no matter how difficult it may feel now. My goal then becomes to speed up the process…maybe instead of waiting 5 years to feel grateful for something or to learn the necessary lessons, I can learn it in 1 year, or in 1 month. Like Mara said…amazing things can happen once you stop resisting what already IS, and embrace what you cannot change. Surrender to what is, and learn to find beauty right where you are.

    • Anonymous December 6, 2012 at 2:23 am - Reply

      I found myself unexpectedly pregnant last year after my husband and I returned from our honeymoon. We spent the last two nights of our honeymoon musing what we might do in the upcoming year after spending the previous two years buying a house and planning a wedding (read: being broke). I wanted to travel to see friends for the first time in about five years and was hoping to go back to school for a master's degree. Finding out I was pregnant put the kibosh on that and it was hard to digest even though there was this welcomed surprise miraculously growing in my belly. But I had to laugh at it all because the moment I tried to plan life, life happened. Literally and figuratively. Give yourself some time to get over the surprise of it all and know, as I have come to know, that things happen for good reason. It's just hard to know why being pregnant now is better than later. But it is. I promise you that.

      To add to the entire discussion: it's always made me feel terribly guilty that I became pregnant so easily. I know people who struggle with infertility and gosh, I am rooting for you all.

    • Anonymous January 7, 2013 at 7:43 pm - Reply

      Thank you guys for this post. Danny – in response to your comment, this is exactly what I do. I have been struggling with trying to conceive a child with my husband, and I always tell myself that once I hold my baby in my arms, I will not be able to imagine getting to that point along any other path. I won't look at the baby and think, "If only you had arrived a year sooner," or "If only I had conceived you naturally on my very first attempt." NOW feels so much more important than the future, but NOW is so fleeting.

  4. Amber December 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm - Reply

    Thank you so much for this post today. I needed it. Although my story is a little different it is very relatable.

    In the last year I have been pregnant twice, but am currently not pregnant (lost both babies in the first trimester). The pain has been excruciating as I want nothing more in life than to be a momma, but my Heavenly Father has taught me some lessons during this time that I know would have been extremely difficult to learn any other way.

    I have a co-worker who, at one point, was trying to conceive at the same time I was and we vented to each other about my losses and her prognosis from the doctor "you won't get pregnant without help (naturally)". Well wouldn't ya know, the first month they planned the "right" days they were pregnant. As extremely happy for her as I am, some days it is so difficult to be around her and her beautiful blossoming belly and I do envy her and at times feel resentment. :/ Every day I have to consciously make the effort to be happy for her and not think about what she has and I don't. So thank you for this post about being genuinely happy for them. I am trying every day to be happy for and just hope I will be joining her soon… 🙂

    Wow! Two comments in two days. You have really said things that have touched me enough to get me to comment. You are an amazing woman.

    Much love…

    • Pepper December 6, 2012 at 7:07 pm - Reply

      I empathize with you as I am in the same boat (two miscarriages this year in the 1st trimester). It has been especially difficult considering that I am now the only one of my sisters, and it seems like EVERY married women my age around me, without any kids. Which is probably about 75% true here in Utah, haha! However, I have found that taking Mara's advice to heart, to choose to be happy no matter the circumstances has really helped me to rejoice with others when instead I could very easily feel resentful. This is not to say that sometimes I don't because I have had my moments, but I am working on it day by day. It also helps that I have told all my family members about our situation and they have been EXTREMELY loving and supportive. Also, not being shy about asking for medical help and searching for answers has helped bring me peace and some answers. Don't ever lose hope! Thank you for your blog Mara-I'm very glad I came across it, you are an inspiration!

  5. rebecca s. December 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm - Reply

    this is such a wonderful post, mara!

    i have been on both sides of this coin and it is not easy. i strongly feel that we all need to have love and compassion for each other in either situation, you are so right!

    getting pregnant is amazing news (especially for women that have struggled with getting pregnant) and no one should have to feel bad or guilty about sharing that with anyone. i know i have expressed a little discomfort over the last few months while pregnant, because it is normal and natural to feel and express discomfort during pregnancy. it does not mean that i am not fully grateful for this miracle as many women facing infertility might think. i will gladly endure any other discomforts and be grateful for those, too. i think it is only natural for us to want to share and discuss what we are going through.

    i wish more people could see both sides as you have here and try to be good, supportive friends no matter what… especially some of the women in my life that have sadly chosen to keep their distance from me during this time.

  6. Meg December 5, 2012 at 4:06 pm - Reply

    When I was first trying to get pregnant with my son, it had been a year of trying so far and I was feeling very down. One night I remember getting the impression that there were lots of babies and kids in my life that I could love. It completely changed my attitude. I have been blessed to be in a large family. I have TONS of nieces and nephews. I love them. I love my friends kids. Sure the sting is there when I find out that ______ is pregnant. But then I remember how lucky I am to have kids around me to love even though I have a hard time getting pregnant. I like for people to treat me normally and to not give me "special treatment". I get lots of calls from people who don't call me on a regular basis just to tell me that they are pregnant and they "didn't want me to hear it from someone else…" I like it when people don't treat me like there is something wrong with me but like everyone else.

    I only have one boy and have lost 3 pregnancies, but I am blessed to be able to have a baby in my arms almost whenever I want. My goal in life is to be the cool aunt that is always approachable and to not shy away from little humans that came to another family.

  7. katilda December 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm - Reply

    I would add to the list for mothers…. "Don't complain about your blessings." Obviously, pregnancy and motherhood aren't easy. But I cringe when I see statuses like "Ugh, anyone want to buy an 11-month-old?" or "Pregnancy is the worrrrst." I think of dozens of women who, yes, would love to have an 11-month-old or be pregnant. It also goes for people complaining about their spouses when they have single friends. Or ranting and whining about a job when so many people are unemployed. We need to be sensitive! (I feel like this just inspired a blog post of my own, haha)

  8. Mara December 5, 2012 at 5:34 pm - Reply

    Such wonderful advice! And I say Amen to all of your tips as I've been on both sides of the fence. It took us three years, four miscarriages, two bouts of over stimulated ovaries, and LOTS of drugs … I'm currently in my 8th month with our twin boys and I wouldn't change my journey to here at all.

    I went through all the emotions as an infertile woman – however I didn't really have a network of friends that were going thru the same thing. I was surrounded by women who's husbands were able to just breath the word "baby" and they were pregnant. It took me quite a bit to come to peace with my situation and to be genuinely genuinely happy for them. Your blog helped, actually! When I had no one to turn to but my husband and awesome mother – your post about infertile woman on Mother's Day was really my "ah-ha" moment. I then changed my thinking and chose JOY!

    I never hid the fact that we were struggling with infertility and I was (and still am!) willing to share my experiences, what I learned, etc. The quick-to-get-pregnant friends did take a step back and that hurt. I tried to be understanding as it is an awkward situation and not everyone knows what to say … I promised myself I would never, ever turn my back on anyone struggling with infertility and that I would always remember my own pain and experience.

    So your tips are fantastic! It is sad how women react to infertility – like it's a four letter word … Thank you for sharing this all of us!

  9. Kayla @ Freckles in April December 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm - Reply

    When we got pregnant with our first some good friends of ours were well into their second year of trying and were dealing with the realization that they weren't going to have children without help from some big guns. I was so nervous about telling them.

    They came over one night and I finally broke down and admitted I was pregnant and how I hadn't been sure how to tell them. The wife interjected, "WHY? It's not like there's a finite number of babies up there and you just took one that might have been ours. We're thrilled for you!" I loved her for that response!

    Two months ago they just gave birth to twins- babies #3 and #4!

  10. Anonymous December 5, 2012 at 5:54 pm - Reply

    Interesting post. Thanks for addressing this really important topic. As someone who's been trying for children for 5 years now, with two rounds of IVF and one recent miscarriage, I have been in almost all the situations you mention and not always choosing the high road. But I need to. When I was first pregnant, after so many years of trying I felt like I was somehow betraying my infertile teammates and trading jerseys. Oddly enough, though I was ecstatic to have a baby growing inside me, I was uncomfortable jumping ship from the infertile camp where I'd been a flagbearer for for so long. I talked to my siblings about this and my sister's comments were really helpful, she said that we should try to get rid of the divisions among us. Shouldn't take our identity from our status as either mother, wife, trying to conceive etc. Actually, she quoted that verse in the book of mormon which explains the situation of unity that occurs after Christ visits "There were no … Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites; but they were in all one, the children of Christ, and heirs to the kingdom of God."

    I realized how entrenched I'd become as an infertile woman and I've really been letting it define me too much. Now I'm back in the trying to conceive arena, but more sensitive to the joys of pregnancy, having experienced it for a short two months.

    Love your openness about your situation, thank you!

  11. The Garbison family December 5, 2012 at 6:29 pm - Reply

    Mara, you are awesome. As someone who had six miscarriages and waited 13 years for my daughter, I have been at so many of these stages. I think your advice for BOTH sides was perfect. You rock.

  12. Kristin Brown December 5, 2012 at 6:35 pm - Reply

    I've thought about this topic so much and really really appreciate this post. There are so many odd emotions women go through during this process (and yes, some definitely are enhanced by drugs and hormones!). I've learned that so much of this is about giving the benefit of the doubt… no matter what side you are on. You expressed that perfectly. Thanks for posting on stuff like this. 🙂

  13. Camille December 5, 2012 at 7:15 pm - Reply

    Thank you so much for this post! It was so great to read, on both sides of the story. We are doing IVF next week (eek!) so as you can imagine, I have a million different emotions and feelings going through me all at once. I get frustrated at myself when I get annoyed by others (because I KNOW they mean well), but then have also had a lot of peace in the whole situation. It sounds bipolar. But I feel that some days 🙂 Anyway, thank you for the gentle reminders of how I can be a better friend to those who are just trying to help me. You are the best!

  14. heidi December 5, 2012 at 7:54 pm - Reply

    Perfect…thank you.

  15. Natalie Norton December 5, 2012 at 7:55 pm - Reply

    Woman! I just got off of the phone with one of my best friends who is struggling with this very issue. She was sobbing as she explained how hard it is to navigate these social situations with grace. Your blog came to mind, and I had planned to send her a link later this evening. When I opened my Twitter feed, I saw this link. The timing is just impeccable. I love how God works. Anyway, I just had to tell you. Keep making waves for good. You are a treasure. xo, N

  16. Anonymous December 5, 2012 at 10:19 pm - Reply

    This post is amazing. My story is different. But my pain is similar. I did infertility treatment for 2 years, I finally had my daughter Olivia (4) during that pregnancy, I lost a Fallopian tube. I was told I would never have children again. 13 months later I found out I was pregnant. This time with a boy . His name is Huck. He's now (2) . During my labor I was exhausted and begged for a c section, 2 hours and 38 blood donations later- I wake up to find I had to have a hysterectomy . At some point in my pregnancy my uterus ruptured. This is deadly to mother and baby. I never felt it and never showed signs of complications. He is know as the miracle baby at the local military hospital . He has been perfect ever sense. He has been diagnosed with Autism and high anxiety disorder. My husband was recently hurt in Afghsnistan. My dream and normal went out the window so long ago- but it's the faith I have as a member and in Heavenly Father that I know you'll be blessed!!! You inspire so many and I know heavenly father will bless you the ways you are meant to be!! Kimberly..

  17. Nicki Clark December 6, 2012 at 12:00 am - Reply

    I think you are a lovely person, and although my husband and I haven't started to get pregnant yet, I sincerely appreciate your advice and view on life's challenges like these. I think they are highly applicable. I feel like your posts always center on rising to a person's most noble self, and I think it is a lovely perspective and reminder to have. Thank you for working so hard to overcome the hiccups in your road and passing on the wisdom to make other's (mine included) journeys more smooth.

  18. Lindsey December 6, 2012 at 1:59 am - Reply

    I too can relate to both sides. It took us 4 years and IVF to get pregnant with our daughter and then 2 years and IVF for our new baby boy. I used to get so hurt when people complained about being sick in their pregnancy, or wishing they were having a girl, instead of a boy. I felt they were ungrateful for their blessings. And then when I did finally get pregnant, I was sick, I was uncomfortable, I had some complications. I try to remember now that everyone's feelings are valid and everyone is on their own, sometimes/often, hard journey.

  19. Lindsey December 6, 2012 at 1:59 am - Reply

    I too can relate to both sides. It took us 4 years and IVF to get pregnant with our daughter and then 2 years and IVF for our new baby boy. I used to get so hurt when people complained about being sick in their pregnancy, or wishing they were having a girl, instead of a boy. I felt they were ungrateful for their blessings. And then when I did finally get pregnant, I was sick, I was uncomfortable, I had some complications. I try to remember now that everyone's feelings are valid and everyone is on their own, sometimes/often, hard journey.

  20. keltiemiller December 6, 2012 at 4:14 am - Reply

    My biggest piece of advice for friends of women who suffer with fertility issues, be sensitive. Understand that your issues and complications during your pregnancy are real but be sensitive around your friends who have fertility issues. Complain all you want to your friends who have had babies and understand, but do not complain to your friend who would change places with you in a heart beat. There are five siblings in my family and my older sister, and two brother's wives had no problems getting pregnant. Myself and my youngest sister were not getting pregnant, my husband and I choice to pursue adoption and we have six beautiful children that we love. My younger sister waited and after some treatments did become pregnant, she miscarried at ten weeks. Three months later she was pregnant again and this time carried that baby to term. Both times after their parents I was the first phone call, and we cried together the happiest tears I have ever cried. Not once during her pregnancy did she complain to me, she would talk to our older sister who had been through five pregnancies. On the other hand my one sister in law never shuts up about all her many problems during pregnancy, I have had to hold my tongue many times and not tell her off, seriously shut up. I don't care how much your pelvis hurts, I would give my everything to have my pelvis hurting because I am caring my baby, be sensitive. I can be happy for you and supportive, just don't complain to me or in front of me. My younger sister also after her baby was born in a conversation we were having made the comment to me that one day close to the end of her pregnancy she realized she would never again be able to say she understood how I felt. Even if her baby died right then and she was never a mother with her baby on the outside, she had gotten pregnant and felt her baby growing inside of her and I have never felt that. My older sister went through a period of three years when they were trying for their fourth child and rather then it taking the 2-3 months it normally took them it took three years, because of that experience she one day made the comment to me that she somewhat understands what I am going through. For the first time when she made that comment and actually got mad. Think before you speak. As soon as you are pregnant and you get far enough along to feel your baby move and kick you are no longer in "our group" and please be sensitive to that. Understand that for a moment even if that moment was 20 years you KNEW what it felt like to never be pregnant, now you will never KNOW what it feels like to NEVER be pregnant and feel your child inside of you. i know what it is to be a mother and I love my children, but I will always mourn the loss of never caring my baby inside me.

  21. LHC December 6, 2012 at 11:33 pm - Reply

    Dear Mara,
    Perhaps this isn't the right place to inquire – but I do have some questions for you related to your fertility. I know it's personal and private hello HIPPA regulations! But you've talked in the past about the fertility specialist you are seeing and a little about what you've discovered. I would love to hear more as I'm having extensive fertility problems (years and years, miscarriage after miscarriage….) and I have some other auto-immune issues. Could you share what your over-active auto-immune diagnosis is (there are so many types) and what it means? I don't live in NY or have much means to get there but I'd love to discuss some of what you've learned when I see my specialist next week.
    Thank you for sharing so much love on your blog about love!!!

  22. Lindsay December 10, 2012 at 2:30 am - Reply

    Thanks for this post. I often wonder how, as a mother, to best interact with my friends who are struggling with infertility. You share some good thoughts.

    (Also, it was fun to finally meet you in person on Saturday evening! I hope my boys weren't too crazy. 😉

  23. Bri!!! December 12, 2012 at 5:22 am - Reply

    I was always SO HAPPY when my infertile friends would tell me of their pregnancies! It brought me so much hope. The only time I would struggle with pregnant women were girls who did not want the babies (teenagers), having it happen out of being irresponsible. I know that's judgmental, but it's hard to make sense of how many loving couples there are out there dying for a baby. I will never forget when a friend of mine told me of her pregnancy (she is a reader of yours!) She had adopted two children and they were planning on doing IVF. She miraculously got pregnant, and I was in TEARS of JOY for her! Honestly, that was a big turning point for me. I just knew we too would be blessed! Now I look at my sweet 6 month old, and feel SO GRATEFUL!

  24. Andrea December 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm - Reply

    Have you ever listened to the song "To Whom It May Concern" from the Civil Wars? It's on their Barton Hollow cd. It's about waiting to meet your true love. The other day when I was listening to it it hit me that it was so much like a mother wanting a child. It is such a beautiful song and now that I hear it from that point of view it makes me cry every time. Check it out!

  25. needbabydee February 4, 2013 at 12:02 pm - Reply

    What a beautiful blog. Thank you for sharing that. I don't have friends that are infertile. Most of them have kids, and those that don't, don't want as yet. Sometimes I feel as though the whole world is against me. I do get invited to friends baby showers, their kids birthday parties etc- nut I feel so out of place to the point that I come home and have a good cry- while no ones at home. I know my friends mean well, but sometimes, I do feel left out…

  26. Anonymous August 11, 2013 at 8:26 pm - Reply

    Hello i saw your post on freespermdonor i got married since 8 yrs ago, i was looking for a child because i was barren my doctor told me is infertility, i tried all doctors prescription yet all prove abortive, until i read about a great testimonies of some women that was barren became pregnant. i collected the man email address that help them, the man Name: DR SHANT TAMI OF INDIAN TEMPLE i told him about my barrenness and he gave meto ZAVORIN C2 CYRUP HERBAL REMEDY DRUGS i took the drugs accordingly to how he ask me to take it and he told me to sleep with my husband, 3 weeks later i started noticing some change i contacted my doctor to my greatest surprise i was told i,m pregnant, this ZAVORIN C2 CYRUP HERBAL REMEDY DRUGS make me to be pregnant last year i delivered a wonderful baby boy, now i,m still pregnant.. don't die be a barren woman meet DR SHANT TAMI IS FROM INDIAN is email address is INDIANSPELL@YAHOO.COM or call him +949717559766
    i know you testify and have your own baby. you can see my photo of me and my lovely baby boy.

  27. purchase clomid online August 12, 2013 at 1:15 pm - Reply

    I was prescribed 50mg clomid by my doctor and got pregnant with fraternal twins during the first month of taking it. I had a great pregnancy, a vaginal birth and I now have two very healthy six month old boys.

  28. Maria Bishop August 17, 2013 at 11:03 am - Reply

    Thank you for your loving and kind words. Your take is so refreshing.

  29. Anonymous September 25, 2013 at 3:02 am - Reply

    Thank you for sharing this post. I have a very good friend who is dealing with infertility and have been thinking about the best way to support her and involve her in my life within the context of my life circumstances and hers.

    You see, my husband and I have been married for about seven months now and are in the midst of our second pregnancy. Our first was an ectopic pregnancy that required emergency treatment and was gone almost as soon as we became aware of it. We were immensely surprised to find ourselves with another pregnancy less than a month after my emergency surgery, and doubly shocked that we had not one but two babies on the way!
    We had discussed having children before we married and both felt right about the decision to not wait to attempt to bring children to our family. The loss of our first pregnancy was unexpected and hard, but we made our peace with the situation and just decided to be grateful that I hadn’t died (which was a real possibility), I think.

    This pregnancy has been physically difficult for me and has completed changed my routines. Pregnancy nausea and its attendant symptoms consumed my life for almost ten weeks straight and rendered me almost an invalid. When the symptoms became more bearable and I began again to have a little energy for anything beyond my bed, my couch, and my bathroom, discussing my symptoms was probably the first and almost only topic of conversation on my lips—no matter who I was talking to.

    My friend that I mentioned earlier has been married for almost four years and she and her husband have been trying for a baby for almost two years now. She is wonderful and offered condolences after my first pregnancy was lost, shared in my joy when I communicated that I am having twins, and listened compassionately as I (probably insensitively) complained about being so ill for so long.

    It was only after I was reflecting on a conversation we had had that I realized that perhaps I was too focused on my own issues and didn’t even ask how things are going for her!

    Sometimes I think it easy for each of us to get so wrapped up in our own problems—whether that be child-rearing, pregnancy, infertility, or whatever else—that we forget that everyone has problems; they may just not be of the same variety. Just as someone who does not deal with infertility may not be able to fully understand the pain and struggle involved with that hardship, neither may someone who has never had pregnancy symptoms or prolonged illness or job loss or any myriad of other things be fully able to understand all the nuances of hardships faced in this life. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try! Just like my friend listened to me and offered love and support when I discussed severe morning sickness even though she’s never had it.

    That’s what this post reminded me of: there is a constant need in the world we live in for people to set aside their own set of problems occasionally to help others with their burdens. Which is what I’m going to do next we talk and make sure to give her an opportunity to talk about her struggles if she wants and needs to—thank you for helping me to see that!

  30. Betty November 7, 2013 at 8:06 pm - Reply

    I looove your blog!

Leave A Comment