Have you ever been jealous or upset because your husband notices beautiful women?
Today’s post is inspired by a question from a reader…….
“As a woman, I feel that I only have eyes for my husband. But learning about him, I have realized that for men it is difficult for them to not look at someone beautiful. I’m not saying my husband is constantly looking at other women. But, it is hurtful when I notice him “check out” another girl, even if only for a moment. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to accept that we will continue to be attracted to other people, even though we are true and faithful to one another and totally in love. I think that’s not really fair of me to expect him to ignore all other women and…
-I struggle to not feel hurt when I see him look at a girl in a short skirt.
-How do you cope with these issues?
-How can you learn to be more trusting and understanding of your husband, as his brain sees things differently?”
GREAT question! Have you experienced this before? I sure have.
I’ve been very open about the fact that back in the day I had no self-worth. Yes, I was in a less than desirable circumstance. But I also was not facing the situation with any amount of strength or wisdom or worth. So you can bet I felt a sting of worthlessness if the man I was with noticed a hot woman. I felt hurt. I would certainly feel less than desirable. I would feel like I wasn’t “enough” and at the heart of it, I feared that the man would so much rather have sex or “be” with a hot woman than with me.
But I learned to overcome it many years ago, while in the thick of it. And now, well, it’s something that doesn’t even cross my mind. Here are some suggestions for facing this issue (these are things I did personally). Maybe something here will resonate with you. By the way, I realize others certainly may feel differently about this subject. I am hoping other people will weigh in here!
1. Realize that it’s totally normal if someone – man or woman – notices or appreciates the beauty of another human being.
Yep. I think it’s just human nature! Girls notice guys and girls. Guys do the same. I don’t feel threatened by it. Instead of taking it personally; instead of worrying that I’m not good enough or hot enough or desirable enough; instead of thinking the worst…(like he would rather have sex with another woman instead of me. ha!)… I just think to myself that it’s pretty normal for us all to notice attractive human beings.
2. Deliberately learn to not compare yourself to others.
If a woman already was not feeling like she measured up or was feeling frumpy, unattractive, not desirable or good enough, not sexy enough, etc., then it seems those feelings would just be pronounced if her man noticed a beautiful woman. I recommend celebrating the beauty that you already have – daily. Don’t rely on anyone else to make you feel good. Take charge of that part of this equation. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. And as part of that effort, learn to not compare your own features to others. Learn how to be grateful for your own body and your own beauty. It will free you tremendously. If this is a tough thing for you, know that you can overcome this. It’s soooo worth working towards. (I wrote about this topic in more detail here.)
3. Develop some self worth.
This is KEY (with everything, really!) When you have it, you won’t have a tendency to take the actions of others personally. When you really cultivate it for yourself, your worth is not dependent on someone else (I wrote a post about that here), or on your own looks for that matter (that some people seem to hit the genetic jackpot certainly is not indicative of their worth or anyone else’s). So, if your man notices someone else, your heart doesn’t have to sink. You can hold your head high. You can know how wonderful you are and that you have SO much to offer.
4. Realize a stranger on the street doesn’t have what you have with your partner: Marriage. A ring. Companionship. Partnership.
YOU are your spouse’s partner. No one else has that role. So relish that role and own it. Honor your husband often for being your partner; for choosing you; for being faithful to you. Grab your husband’s arm and give him a smile and act like you’re his woman.
5. Realize that a person’s actions say more about them than it does about you.
Now, glancing and noticing a beautiful person is one thing. Habitually gawking with no limits, having no sense of control or respect whatsoever, going way out of one’s way to ignore your spouse and noticeably stare at another person…well, to me, that’s different. I’d say that’s inappropriate and disrespectful to everyone involved (including any children in the family who may be noticing this behavior). Sorry to be so blunt but someone like that is not a gentleman, not mature, and is showing no respect to women or themselves. But – would I feel hurt in a situation like that? No. Self worth actually makes it possible to not take crap like that personally. Instead, I would actually just feel sorry for the person as they clearly are making a fool of themselves.
I wish anyone facing this issue all the best! I know it can get better. I’m living proof!
But let’s get this discussion started. Have you been in a situation like this? Would you have a different answer for this reader? Thanks for adding any input!
(Photo by Howard Socherek)
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