11 July 2012

When Your Man Notices Another Woman


Have you ever been jealous or upset because your husband notices beautiful women?

Today's post is inspired by a question from a reader.......

Q: 
"As a woman, I feel that I only have eyes for my husband.  But learning about him, I have realized that for men it is difficult for them to not look at someone beautiful.  I'm not saying my husband is constantly looking at other women.  But, it is hurtful when I notice him "check out" another girl, even if only for a moment.  Sometimes it's difficult for me to accept that we will continue to be attracted to other people, even though we are true and faithful to one another and totally in love.  I think that's not really fair of me to expect him to ignore all other women and...
-I struggle to not feel hurt when I see him look at a girl in a short skirt.
-How do you cope with these issues?
-How can you learn to be more trusting and understanding of your husband, as his brain sees things differently?"

A: 
GREAT question!  Have you experienced this before?  I sure have.

I've been very open about the fact that back in the day I had no self-worth.  Yes, I was in a less than desirable circumstance.  But I also was not facing the situation with any amount of strength or wisdom or worth.  So you can bet I felt a sting of worthlessness if the man I was with noticed a hot woman.  I felt hurt.  I would certainly feel less than desirable.  I would feel like I wasn't "enough" and at the heart of it, I feared that the man would so much rather have sex or "be" with a hot woman than with me.

But I learned to overcome it many years ago, while in the thick of it.  And now, well, it's something that doesn't even cross my mind.  Here are some suggestions for facing this issue (these are things I did personally).  Maybe something here will resonate with you.  By the way, I realize others certainly may feel differently about this subject.  I am hoping other people will weigh in here!

1.  Realize that it's totally normal if someone - man or woman - notices or appreciates the beauty of another human being.
Yep.  I think it's just human nature!  Girls notice guys and girls.  Guys do the same.  I don't feel threatened by it.  Instead of taking it personally; instead of worrying that I'm not good enough or hot enough or desirable enough; instead of thinking the worst...(like he would rather have sex with another woman instead of me.  ha!)... I just think to myself that it's pretty normal for us all to notice attractive human beings.

2.  Deliberately learn to not compare yourself to others. 
If a woman already was not feeling like she measured up or was feeling frumpy, unattractive, not desirable or good enough, not sexy enough, etc., then it seems those feelings would just be pronounced if her man noticed a beautiful woman.  I recommend celebrating the beauty that you already have - daily.  Don't rely on anyone else to make you feel good.  Take charge of that part of this equation.  Take care of yourself physically and mentally.  And as part of that effort, learn to not compare your own features to others.  Learn how to be grateful for your own body and your own beauty.  It will free you tremendously.  If this is a tough thing for you, know that you can overcome this.  It's soooo worth working towards.  (I wrote about this topic in more detail here.)

3.  Develop some self worth.
This is KEY (with everything, really!)  When you have it, you won't have a tendency to take the actions of others personally.  When you really cultivate it for yourself, your worth is not dependent on someone else (I wrote a post about that here), or on your own looks for that matter (that some people seem to hit the genetic jackpot certainly is not indicative of their worth or anyone else's).   So, if your man notices someone else, your heart doesn't have to sink.  You can hold your head high.  You can know how wonderful you are and that you have SO much to offer.

4.  Realize a stranger on the street doesn't have what you have with your partner: Marriage.  A ring.  Companionship.  Partnership.  
YOU are your spouse's partner.  No one else has that role.  So relish that role and own it.  Honor your husband often for being your partner; for choosing you; for being faithful to you.  Grab your husband's arm and give him a smile and act like you're his woman.

5.  Realize that a person's actions say more about them than it does about you.
Now, glancing and noticing a beautiful person is one thing.  Habitually gawking with no limits, having no sense of control or respect whatsoever, going way out of one's way to ignore your spouse and noticeably stare at another person...well, to me, that's different.  I'd say that's inappropriate and disrespectful to everyone involved (including any children in the family who may be noticing this behavior).  Sorry to be so blunt but someone like that is not a gentleman, not mature, and is showing no respect to women or themselves.  But - would I feel hurt in a situation like that?  No.  Self worth actually makes it possible to not take crap like that personally.  Instead, I would actually just feel sorry for the person as they clearly are making a fool of themselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

I wish anyone facing this issue all the best!  I know it can get better.  I'm living proof!

But let's get this discussion started.  Have you been in a situation like this?  Would you have a different answer for this reader?  Thanks for adding any input!

Much love,

Mara


(Photo by Howard Socherek)

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44 comments:

  1. I love this post. My boyfriend is sometimes very unaware of social codes. He looks and stares at people (men and women). He likes observing -the beautiful and whatever that calls his attention on a different level. But he didn't realize that it could be sometimes inadequate socially. So, I had to tell him. First, staring is not really polite. Second, staring at women can give mixed signs (to the women, to your partner, to the people around). It took him a while to get it and he is still adjusting. But he's getting better at it. I never took it quite personnally because before we went out, I had already noticed that he did this.

    Another thing I used to do (with a previous boyfriend) was that I would point out the beautiful people. I would say: "Look at her, she's so pretty! Look at that guy, he's so good-looking! " I did it, because it allowed us to talk about it openly and without anyone feeling ackward about it and we were exercising the concept of "beauty is all around".

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  2. Oh my, Mara, thank you so much for attacking this question from so many different vantage points. This is something that I have a tendency to do myself. Starting with human nature, moving on to personal development, and, finally, once those efforts have been exhausted, facing the facts about a given situation. I always seek a way to improve/fix a situation by, as you so eloquently point out, "take charge of that part of the equation." To me, this means that I can find a way all on my own to try to improve any situation I am in; not just in reference to comparing oneself to others. This seems to be a universal truth! Thank you for this post. I loved it!

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  3. I LOVE this post. Thank you!! It took me YEARS to learn that it's healthy and natural to for men AND women to notice good looking people. I always took it personally - and honestly, it even ruined a relationship once. You hit the nail on the head when you said it's about having self-worth. Once I learned to value myself - my whole perspective changed. Great post!

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  4. i have been asked this question so many times by my friends and to be honest i am lucky my husband doesn't do it that much and we have always talked about it and appreciated that other people are beautiful and good looking--we are all human after all. and of course i have had the odd day when i am feeling insecure and think i wish was i was as beautiful as her and then my husband says that he thinks i am better and although i might not believe him 100% it removes the worry from my mind.

    but i know it is a passing comment, the difference seems to be when the trust and as you said the self worth isn't there and then it becomes a much bigger issue. my friend hates when her bf does it because he had seen someone else when she considered them to be exclusive, for her it represented a much deeper issue which i hope she is addressing. it is when it is like this that it is so much harder.

    great advice as always mara :)

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  5. Thank you so much for this post, Mara! This is definitely an issue I've struggled with and your tips are awesome! I found myself nodding my head to all of them.

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  6. I had a friend ask me once, after I'd been married for years, if I ever saw another woman and wondered what it would be like to be with her. And I asked him, What would be the point? Do I see other beautiful women around me? Yes. If I was a different person could I have been with them? Who knows?

    But my point to him was that it didn't matter. If I left my wife for another random woman, I wouldn't be leaving a woman for another woman. I would be leaving a deepness for something shallow and unsatisfying. What is sex compared to a relationship? It's nothing. It's a part of the whole.

    So I told him going to another woman would be terrible because I wouldn't have the real thing I crave. Which is the same depth of relationship, the time and dreams we share together. I would never trade that for the shallowness of a new beginning relationship.

    This was really good, Mara. Thanks.

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    1. oh man James, I miss you guys. Good comment. Mara, great post. I love everything you said. James, I agree completely with what you said. Andy and I have had this exact discussion. Keeping open about it is always good for us. If I think someone is strikingly good looking, I usually say it out loud. It usually gets it out of my mind by doing so. But in the end, it really doesn't matter who is or isn't good looking. I'm not looking for that necessarily, its the depth of relationship. The looks are just a perk that ultimately doesn't last. Always good to feel secure on your own regardless of outside opinion or perceived opinion. thanks for bringing that up Mara.

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    2. I wish all guys were like you, James! :)

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  7. I appreciate getting a guy's perspective on this, thanks James. Can I add my own? It's no use pretending a beautiful woman isn't walking past. Girls see it, guys see it, EVERYONE sees it. If a you're walking down the street and a car alarm suddenly goes off, you notice. It's the same thing. If my wife sees a beautiful person, she knows I see them too, and vice versa. When we were in Paris recently, we were both astounded at the number of really good-looking, well put together men we saw there. We both stared. It's like seeing celebrities. It's nice to see good looking people, (scientific studies have shown that even babies know this), but it doesn't mean anything as regards how I feel about my wife. I tell her how beautiful I think she is constantly. Ladies, if your man says he thinks you're more beautiful than someone you think looks better than you, believe him. Being with my wife, experiencing life's ups & sometimes brutal downs with her, seeing her bring our kids into the world, watching her grow & improve all the time, makes her more beautiful to me every day. I will say that before I was married, I noticed girls a lot more than I do now; I guess my standards have come up!

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  8. Here's a possibly related thought I stumbled across today: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2012/02/how-the-modesty-doctrine-hurts-men-too/

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    1. Em,

      Very interesting article about the Modesty Doctrine. The irony in jane's reply kind of got me thinking, man, she's so angry at men but every word is all profanity and very degrading are her comments. What is your opinion on this doctrine? I could relate to what was being said and I was going to tell Erik above that most guys in our culture would not dare want to admit if they had an attraction to another guy. Yet, it does seem natural for a guy to be able to admit attraction to all women and I think for a woman to make an issue over this, she is just making the relationship worse for the two of them. I have a hard time believing that a woman is not attracted to other men. In fact, I once got my ex to admit she found Arnold Schwartzenneger attractive. She used to give me so much grief about suppsoedly wanting to sleep with every woman I saw, that after that I always reminded her of her belovbed Arnold if she felt the need to start criticizing me. I know this sounds mean, but she really was to the point of rude with me and acting like I had to be blind to everything around me, and yes, it is unrealistic to want that and doesn't mean we are going to sleep with them or have sex with thyem even if we wanted to or even could, or if we wonder about it. If she was a little more affectionate to me and not so self-absorbed, I might have been less inclined to wonder if the grass is greener over there.

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    2. So you're basically saying she was right to worry -excuses- "if she was more affectionate"... Niiceee

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  9. I usually hate when my bf notice other woman. Now I really understand that He is a human being with eyes to notice other ppl dat looks gud. Thanks for the article help my relationship alot.

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  10. You asked for other suggestions on how to deal with this when it happens. I keep my sense of humor about it. When I man I'm with has his attention robbed, when he stops dumbfoundly in the middle of his sentence, when he can't regain his train of thought and as his eyes follow after a beautiful woman that walks by, I laugh. I find it soooo entertaining and hilarious that nature has such a powerful pull on a man's reaction to a visual stimuli.
    There may be some playful teasing from me thereafter, but there's no reason to get upset at something so biologically engrained in a human's being.

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    1. Amanda, where can a man find a woman like you?

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  11. my husband and i are very open about what other men and women (both of us discuss both genders) are beautiful. but when we talk about other people's beauty, it's like work of art beauty, not i want to have sex with them beauty. and at the end of the day, we both know that we find each other extremely attractive and noticing another person's beauty doesn't subtract from that at all. (yes, there are our occasional insecure days, but those are quickly dispelled.)

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  12. My fiance is easily distracted by what's happening around us when we're out together. It's nearly impossible to engage a conversation with him if we're walking on the streets, shopping in the mall or groceries, or simply having a meal. He has a short attention span and we almost never talk when we're out of the house. I used to take it personally that I'm not attractive enough to hold his attention. Sometimes guys has double standard, he can request me not to check out hot guys but when he does the same (checking out hot girls), he would claim that he's appreciating art & beauty. Sometimes he'd make comments like, "You know you should lose some weight to fit in something like what that girl is wearing." I used to get hurt and I didn't like the insecure feelings. So I'd try to get myself occupied with other more important stuff than to get upset with his thoughtless remarks. Well, guys are insensitive & densed sometimes. I'll just have to learn to not mind things like that and get on with daily lives. There are other more important aspects of relationship to deal with than to mind about your spouse checking out good looking people. It's better for them to do it while they were with you than when they're on their own.

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    1. Hi Enenmon, I used to think that a man who couldn't engage in conversation outdoors with me or who would make this kind of insensitive remarks, was only "his way of being" - or "a guy being a guy", you know? It's great that you don't take it personnaly, because you shouldn't. This is his issue and your self worth has nothing to do with it (as Mara so brilliantly put in in this blog). However, I figured out that I could have a better relationship, as soon as I was in one in which the guy wouldn't make this kind of remarks and would actually be with me, talk to me, no matter where we are. That doesn't mean that he would forget about the universe around us. But he treated me in a better way (for me and for us). And then I realized that there are other quality of relationships out there and that I wanted more than what I have had until then. I am not saying that you should move on to someone else, but I am saying that you are entitled to be with someone who can manage to talk to you outdoors and not make this insesnsitive kind of remarks.

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    2. Enenmon, What caught my attention in your comment the most was when you said your fiance makes remarks like "you should lose some weight so you can fit into something like that girl is wearing." That is NOT a loving or kind remark no matter what context or meaning is behind it, and you labelled it correctly yourself, it's hurtful. I'm glad you don't take it personally, and that you know your self worth, I also hope and pray that you also know that you are worth so much more. You deserve to be adored and loved and supported by a fiance, not cut down, or undermined.
      Trust me, I was married to a man for a year that made little jabs about my appearance tjat by the time I filed for divorce, the self confidence I had was holding on by a thread. I'm glad you are strong now, and I hope you always can remain strong because I'm still rebuilding myself.

      Go into marriage with both eyes wide open!!

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    3. Thanks so much for your insights/comments, Anonymous & Amanda. Haha to be honest and to be fair, while my fiance & i are indoors in the comfort of our home, we do engage in a lot meaningful conversations. I enjoyed the intimate moments when we do our household chores together so much that I don't really mind that we don't really talk much once we step outside of the house.

      Ultimately it's about finding the balance in the relationship. I mean, there will be certain traits about your spouse which you might not like but that doesn't mean that if your spouse doesn't love you the way you THINK/EXPECT him/her to be, he/she doesn't love you. I'm pretty sure that's not the case. While my fiance may not be the most sensitive & considerate man, but as long as I love myself enough, I won't doubt myself and think whether he's "saying for real" or "just making a passing remark" that shouldn't be taken too seriously or personally. :)

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    4. Maybe you should let him know how hurtful his comment felt to you. If he gets angry, then that is not a good sign, but then you can suggest that he get some training in this area. If the weight really is an isue for him, and it could very well be, what is he doing to support you? For example, willing to go running and exercise with you and motivating you or sabotaging you. If you did lose some weight (and I am not saying you even need to), then maybe he will lose you to another guy, so some guys do actually sabotage their girlfriends, fiances or wives for fear of losing them to other men.

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  13. This post reminds me of in Anna Karenina when Levin is talking to Oblonsky, Oblonsky is trying in a round about way to get Levin to okay his behavior, after he cheats on his wife Dolly. All Levin has to say is why would I come from a feast when I have been fulfilled and stop in a bakery for a roll? One reason why I love Levin so much is because he tells it in such an understanding way, why would you want for some small thing, like a roll, when you have a feast waiting for you each and everyday?

    Why can't we each find a man like Levin?!?! :) I think each of us as women worry that we are not good enough and this worries us when our boyfriends, husbands, partners look at another beautiful person. We all do it, but I think when we are in a satisfying place in our lives with our partners we don't have the urges as much because we don't want the "roll" because the "feast" is right there with us.

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  14. "...instead of worrying that I'm not good enough or hot enough or desirable enough; instead of thinking the worst...(like he would rather have sex with another woman instead of me. ha!)..." -- My favorite quote.

    Insight from a guy: I personally hated when my former fiance would make comments about Bradly Cooper or Billy Currington. One of my least favorite moments in our engagement was when I took her to a Billy Currington concert. There was nothing more heart wrenching than to watch the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, swoon and get weak in the knees when some stranger walked out on stage. "Hi! Remember me? I am your fiance..." was the thought that kept popping in my head. Why did something so silly as a "celebrity crush" bug me so much? Because she acted completely giddy and "gooey" over a complete stranger and never acted that way towards me.

    The only thing I could say is: yes, everyone is going to look at an attractive person; it is natural. The question is: is your lover swooning over you? When you catch them glancing at someone else, do they look back at you with a fire and passion in their eyes for you? Or do they look back at you with an empty look?

    Is it important to have, as I call it, Divine worth? Yes! It is also important to live according to your Divine worth and know when you deserve better; whether that means communicating to resolve the issue, or finding a better relationship.

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  15. Why concern yourself about such matters. Always remember that your husband married you for more than your physical attributes,he would have seen in you the ideal person suited to be his sole mate.Maybe it would have been your loving,generous and conscientious nature.It is part of our psychological makeup to admire anything that is attractive whether it be a thing or someone,both genders do this and it does not mean that you would discard of what you have for all of these years for something that is superficial.

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  16. Love this post, I think it's something everyone can relate to and you make some great points!

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  17. I am lucky to have a husband who never comments on anyone's beauty but mine. I love feeling like the most beautiful woman (even though I'm not). In return I don't swoon over anyone but him.
    No matter how secure you are with yourself and your relationship why pollute it with comments and wishes of someone elses looks ect...?

    Great post Mara, and great dialogue readers!

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  18. a very awesome post (and great question,too). thank you.

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  19. I completely agree with everything you've written in your post. I do have a slightly different view on the whole thing, though. So, here's my take on it:

    My dad always noticed women. It seemed innocent. It never bothered my mom. She trusted him & definitely had self worth & confidence. I never understood how she could be fine with it because he did it so much. Then it turns out he'd had tons of affairs & was very unfaithful. So, it was hard to believe he'd been casually noticing women solely for their beauty. Gave me some big trust issues as well as a dislike for men doing that. I just don't trust that they aren't thinking sexual thoughts about them. Men are wired different than women that way.

    Then, back in my working days, I had countless men hit on me. I worked in the banking industry and dealt with a lot of people everyday. They'd stare at me and some were innocent (or so it seemed) about it while others would make comments that were inappropriate for a married man to make. It was shocking to me how many unfaithful men there were. And by unfaithful, these guys were making sexual comments to me, not just "you're beautiful". (And I was dressed nice & modest too, so it's not like I was appearing easy or anything!) Men removed wedding rings around me too. I would notice because one of the first things I notice about a guy is a ring. I would see it, look away or grab something, come back, and the ring was gone, and they'd be very flirty. It did make me not trust men even more & it added to my belief that men are thinking many sexual thoughts (since some verbalized those to me). I felt so sorry for their wives.

    Then I got married, and I had major trust issues. I actually had a lot of self worth & self confidence. I just didn't trust men, for good reason. I did trust my hubby, though. He was very observant & knew I needed a little more security. His goal was to put me first & honor me. If I didn't feel secure with him looking at other women, he didn't do it. Simple as that. It was never in his nature to do that (look at women), so it wasn't hard. But his response to me built my trust rapidly.

    I see guys often do the "oh, I'm just looking. It's no big deal. You're over reacting!". That builds no trust. If you're married to her, honor her. Simply don't do it. If she doesn't like you pointing out pretty girls, don't do it. It's rude.

    Turns out my hubby doesn't like it when I point out good looking men either. So, I don't. It's something that goes both ways. We are solely, 100% for each other in that way. Sure, we are human and notice other people exist & are good looking, but it's never much of a focus.

    My mom did remarry. Her hubby would do the same thing as my dad. He commented on beautiful women a lot. Again, my mom didn't seem to care. Until he had an affair with a 16 year old at age 55! (See why I have trust issues? haha!)

    For me, I've just seen way too many examples to suggest that many men ARE sexually thinking about pretty women. And they don't always gawk. Some keep it as casual as they can.

    So, that's the only thing I'd add. Women have a lot of reasons for not trusting. Guys (or girls) don't do it if your girl (or guy) doesn't like it. Easy peasy. If they don't care either way, then do as you please. But the problem isn't something I believe a woman just needs to get used to. The problem very often lies in the fact that it's not right.

    I'm sure plenty of good guys look casually and keep faithful thoughts. But plenty don't. I am certain of this. I have experienced it way too many times as the girl they were staring at. So, my thoughts are for guys to put your girl first and respect & honor her by letting her know she's #1 and let her know her feelings of trusting you are more important than your freedom & desire to look.

    Teresa

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    1. It may just be that as men we don't really want to be pigs and sexually crave every woman we feel some attraction to, but all of us are engineered with God-given appetites to be attracted to the opposite sex and that doesn't go away just because we got married. It may just be that we feel unworthy to even touch a woman because our thoughts have betrayed us, and then what good are we to function in our role as worthy husbands and fathers and lead our families in righteousness using our God-given authority we are supposed to be entrusted with and to enter His house.

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    2. Bestttttt answer everrrrrrr, Teresa!!!! In a nutshell!

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    3. Well, I'm a guy and I feel the same about you. I remember since I was younger that my dad used to see other good-looking women and not only glancing them because they are beautiful, something like 'hum, she's beautiful' and that's it. He used to make disgusting comments like 'she's fuc*ing hot' and 'what an a*s'. It made me feel so sorry for my mother, she didn't deserve to be with an as*hole like my father, and I have never EVER seen her looking at other guys like that, she uses to be 'blind' to other men. If he made those comments about my mother I would think nothing wrong, it's her wife, but not: they were about women who are nothing to him, NOTHING.

      I started to feel really bad about other men. I simply do not trust them to really respect their wives and to love them really deeply. I have aways been the kind of guy who prefers to be with women - they are so fantastic! I mean, I love talking to them, being with them; they have so much to teach and are so... amazing and full of love to spread to the world (not all of them, for sure, but anyway). All of my friends are women, I simply cannot keep on talking to most of men, they disgust me, like my father.

      I started to notice that there are MANY women who actually do the same thing my father does. I started to notice that I am one of those people who are only a mere fraction of the population: the ones who care about having eyes only for their partners.

      How do I deal with that? I said no to love. I will not find someone compatible with me anyway, then I'll focus on my life and career, even though I think of how much love I have to share with the one, the person, the 'soul-mate' - I simply decided that being without love hurts less than being with it.

      And no, it's not only because of the topic of this article, it's because of those so many things I have been noticing about love and relationships in human beings; I simply decided to avoid so much pain into my heart.

      I simply decided to write to tell women that men who care about respecting their wives/girlfriends do exist, like me. I want everybody here to find the best way to be happy, really.

      Thank you guys, have an amazing existence.

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    4. I am breaking up with my boyfriend later today when he gets back from work. This will be the second, and final time I leave him because of this problem. He has the same wandering-eye problem (especially with half-naked women), and initially said that it`s harmless fantasy...wow...we`re in our 40s and he still thinks like an adolescent. I`ve found porn, etc on his computer (I have been abused with porn since childhood, thus, needless to say, I am totally anti-porn) and of course, he denied using it. Sure. Anyway, this morning, I checked the history tab, and he had been checking out women in bikinis...not porn, but a problem nonetheless. He know this hurts me, but obviously doesn`t care. He defends himself, and only apologized when I stopped having sex with him...seriously, who wants to give themselves sexually to someone who`s hurt them?? I rarely do this to my men, because I know it hurts. I`ve only done it to show them how it feels...guess what? They get really upset when I do it to them. Double-standard, anyone? Thank you to the men who are smart enough, mature enough, and strong enough to honor your women. YOU are the ones who will have fulfilling relationships with women.

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  20. It not men fault.It happens even if you do not want to happen :)

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  21. i love this. and it is such a valid question and concern.
    I used to be so hurt when I would catch my husband lookin at other girls. But the thing is.. it really is totally just human nature like you said.
    I have since grown so much. we both have grown in our marraige. But me .. especially in this area.
    I find it almost easier to see who he's looking at and make a comment like oh she is really pretty. I am a person that is always complimenting other people anyway. So it was easy to take that to the next level and just make is a casual part of conversation of observing that other person. now things are open. ANd yes.. there are lots of beautiful people in this world.. and we comment on it rather than try and hide it from one another. But we are also still holding each other's hands during it all.

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    1. Thats really lovely. I really struggle with this with my boyfriend. My heart sinks when he tells me someone from television is gorgeous (recently Abby Clancy) I want him to think I am the most beautiful girl in the world and don't want him to let me know when he finds another woman attractive. I would never say to him I find another man attractive!? Surely when he says shes gorgeous he's saying that he would like to have sex with her! Recently when I told him it hurt me he said "not to worry, he was sure that he wasn't on her hit list!" That really didn't help!Makes me feel physically sick!

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  22. This blog has helped me re-evaluate my relationship since I have been given the honesty dump. I thought ok here we come to the end of the road when I saw my bf slightly glanced at some women and thought to ask him about it. I was mad/worried/anxious/ sad you name it I felt it. For a long time he denied doing it until I came forward calmly and he just told me that men are visual people and it's an uncontrollable urge to glance at attractive women. It is something that's been programmed in their making.

    I didnt understand and he said I never will. I just have to trust and believe in him that it is merely looking and no intentions of acting upon it. I was really hurt for a while but he never changed his answer and promises he never will.

    I appreciate this blog because it makes me have a positive outlook that I can change my reaction and believe in myself more. I am also empowered to finally focus on my own health and attractive qualities and to know that I am not the only woman who has had this experience.

    It also makes me appreciate that I have an honest man who with all the beauty out there he has chosen to be with me without any of us changing for each other. When you truly love yourself and know your worth this problem starts to diminish. Plus your man will see it and love you even more. It gives him space to be a man yet he will always come home to you and appreciate you for your respect.

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  23. Three years ago, I got the Mirena IUD and my hormones shifted. Whereas on the Pill, it as in check, suddenly I had the libido I had as a horny teenager, and it changed the way I saw the world.

    I started checking guys out like they check out girls. Except I'm married - and quite happily. Devotedly. And the thing is, now that I'm married and I don't have to worry about what men think of me - whether they think I'M cute or I'M sexy, I can just enjoy the view. I'm off the market, so I can just appreciate men being good looking for exactly that, like you might watch a movie with Ryan Gosling and think, damn, he's handsome. Add that to the hormone shift, and I think I have a pretty good idea of what it must feel like to be a man.

    Like James said above, it's apples and oranges. Think of it this way: If you had your dream house, and all the money and resources to decorate it exactly how you wanted, you might still see other houses - cottages, palaces, castles, mansions - and whistle at how lovely and grand they were. Maybe you'd even think about what it would be like to live in another house. But in the end, nothing replaces your home, that you've put your time and life and love into. The one that you picked out carefully and spent years making just how you wanted it.

    For guys (and some women), looking at beautiful people is just like looking at a beautiful house. You can appreciate the architecture without wanting to move, and then you get to live in a world where beauty is all around you, all the time.

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  24. my problem is that my man hasnt ever told me im beautiful neverr sexy etc. we been together 6 years he stares at other woman if we go to a bar he stare the way the girls dance and he always looks for porn online it will say sexy girls hot and sexy girls lesbians but all the while he types amd stares like this I feel so hurt ... please help me understand and advise on what to do

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  25. I also have had this problem in my marriage. The computer is my biggest enemy. My husband will spend hours looking at half naked girls on the computer (he also checks out the waitresses and any other women that he can when we are out in public). I feel that it eliminates my ability to be sexy and attractive to him. I am attractive, very pretty but a size 14. I have talked with him about how it makes me feel. His answer is that it is normal adult behavior and he will continue to do it regardless of my feelings about it. He says I am ruining our marriage over it. How am I supposed to feel sexy to him at the end of the night when he wants sex and he has spend the last few hours on the computer looking at sexier women ? How am I supposed to feel like he is wanting sex with me and not them ? I can't. All I can think of is "which one is he picturing right now while I am on top of him ? " Not to mention, how to I get over the anger of him sitting an looking at these women while I am taking care of the household chores and the kids and wishing I had someone to talk to about my day. It is a horrible thing to live with and I spend hours trying to figure out what to do about it. I will never be the slender 120 lb type of girl he likes and even if I was he would still be looking at others and I will always be secondary.

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    Replies
    1. My partner of 6 years does this also , he has secretly looked at porn for the whole of our relationship , i have caught him out several times and he says its wrong and he wont do it but i dont know if this is normal or not ?I said i dont know why he hides it from me as id rather him just be honest . He also admits that he looks at other women and does imagine doing sexual things with these women ( he spends a long time in the shower!!!) i feel worthless . He says he loves me and the women he looks at mean nothing but i dont know whats normal and whats not . It is ruining our relationship as i dont know how to deal with it and its on my mind all the time .

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  26. My boyfriend does the occasional glance and sometimes the full on stare, i don't think the fact that he is attracted to pretty girls is what bothers me. After all i also notice guys from time to time. What bothers me the most is when he does it long enough or shamelessly obvious and the girl he is staring at catches him and sees that he is with me, not only is it embarassing but i feel he is giving someone else validation and the other person is well aware of it and all i can do is watch it happen. And i've seen girls get a sort of smirk of satisfaction. At ths point its just lacking basic respect.But on the other hand i get checked out alot and i would be a hypocrite if i said i didn't enjoy it, especially when its a really hot guy.

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  27. My husband used to tell me he wants to do sex with other women. I am not sure whether he is joking or serious. What to do?

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  28. Thank you for this article, very insightful and very sound advice. It felt good to be reminded of all those points. I frequently struggle with feelings of inadequacy and depression in my marriage. We've fallen into the 6 month + "sexless marriage" rut before and it really does hurt the old ego when he tells me his prescription meds (Xanax, Lexapro, some kind of sleeping pill too) kill his libido and then walk in on him enjoying his personal collection of jerk-off material when he thinks I've fallen asleep. It makes me angry and horny enough to have an affair just to want to validate myself, but that's not how I work. I've had opportunities but haven't acted on them because I don't really want to, I want MY man to want ME! I'm a cute brunette with an awesome all natural bod with awesome eyes and home grown 36 D boobs! What's his problem?! Grr.

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