21 May 2012

When To Announce a Pregnancy or IVF? (No, not pregnant)

                                                   (photo by one of my favorite bloggers & one of the very first I ever knew about, Kelly McCaleb)

Today, I'm very curious about how you all feel about something......
What are your thoughts on announcing a pregnancy or an IVF cycle?

Did you tell anyone early on?  Just a few?  Or did you share the exciting news with every breathing human being that crossed your path? 

I've had 8 years to think about announcing a pregnancy.  And I tell ya, I think I'll just want to tell everyone if it happens.  Yes, at my age and with my unknown fertility issues, the risk for miscarriage would be very high.  But you know what, I don't really fear a miscarriage.  (That ship sailed a long time ago.)  It would just be exciting to be pregnant - even if it was for a few weeks.  And it seems it would just be a shame to not share that exciting news if it happened.

I'd LOVE to hear any of your thoughts or experiences about this!

xo,

Mara


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63 comments:

  1. Such an interesting topic! I'm fascinated by the fact that some people can keep it in and not tell even their closest friends and family. On the other hand, I often feel shocked at how early others reveal a pregnancy to practical strangers. I've come to realize that it is deeply personal and circumstantial. My sister's approach is probably the one that has most resonated with me . . . she said didn't mind telling people early, because she knew she would need a lot of support if the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. (Also, though I haven't yet commented on your blog until now, I have been following your story and know I'm not alone in SO hoping this was an announcement for you!)

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  2. I announced my IVF cycle and pregnancy 9 years ago. Although I ended up losing that baby at about 10 weeks I was not sad that I had announced. I needed all the love and prayers that were sent our way. We also announced when we were chosen for adoption, knowing that things could fall through. Those announcements are so fun! I personally think the joy of announcing outweighs the fear of possible loss. The loss will be devastating whether I announce or not, so why not enjoy that moment. I don't mind those dear to me knowing my joys and struggles. I really feel like those who love us will rejoice with us and grieve with us. I find that incredibly strengthening and humbling.

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  3. I've been following you for a while, but have never commented (you guys are adorable). I think everyONE is different, but even every situation with each marriage and pregnancy is different. I just wrote a super long comment but didn't want to drone on, but we have announced it early to family but also waited. Both had its special experiences. I say, shout it from the rooftops if you want to!! Nothing wrong with extra support and prayers!

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  4. I "came out" of the pregnancy closet early... at 5 weeks to our parents and at 10 weeks at work (mostly because of the type of environment I worked in...being pregnant meant a safety risk). I can say that I regret that and next time, whenever that might be, we'll wait as long as possible to enjoy the splendor of pregnancy with... us. In the US everyone was so quick to dispense outdated information, recommendations, and overwhelm us with inappropriate (but well intentioned) questions like, "was it planned?" "will you 'go' natural?" "will you find out the sex?" "Don't eat hot dogs, sushi" yada yada. It made my anxiety through the roof, and took away from the experience. So this time around in Paris I think I'm keeping mum. =)

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  5. I've never been pregnant so have never had to think about this.. but I'd definitely be the sort of person to wait 3 months before telling anyone, I just think it makes the situation so much sadder if you lose a child and EVERYONE knows what's happened to you. It happened to a friend of mine and it was just awful

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  6. depends how sick you get! with my third people knew i was pregnant by week 6. I was in relief society presidency and everyone just said Bobbie is not her usual chatty bubbly self. People guessed too easily or it was so obvious! but i dont typically go around telling people in the early stages. I also had a friend (canadian) living here in australia who thought it would be fun to go home on their yearly vacation with the baby! yep they surprised everyone at the airport. Grandma was so shocked she could not believe they had had a surprise 3rd baby and didnt tell anyone about it (well back home, everyone here in australia knew.. what a surprise!!)

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  7. So I was directed to your blog from an old roommate who lives in your stake now. I LOVE your blog. I love your amazing attitude through your struggles. I also struggle with infertility and it has been just over 7 years for my husband and I. We did get pregnant unexpectedly about 8 months ago, and it ended in miscarriage about 10 weeks later. But, from my own experience I say share with everyone! Even though miscarriage is a possiblility (for everyone) you want to share in the joy and excitement even if just for a short time. Its a celebration, no matter what.
    I would love to get to know you better and stay in contact if you wish. Its nice to talk to others who struggle with the same things.
    My email is keira.michaelgarrett@gmail.com.
    Thanks for your inspiring posts!
    Keira

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  8. I personally would keep it to myself for as long as it didn't show, because it seems to make the pregnancy last so much longer when you tell. But I think for some, especially those we know have been trying for so long, it is a time to start rejoicing right away and you can make other people happy when you share. If something goes wrong and you lose it, you will have all the more support to help you through that tragedy. Nothing is worse than suffering the grief all alone.

    Years ago, we had a couple in our ward who kept to themselves mostly--nothing wrong with that. They had only one child and she was going on 6 years old. I'm sure I'm not the only person who wondered without asking why they had quit with just one. Then they stood up in church and revealed that the husband had had cancer right after the first child was born and the treatments had sterilized him. They were seeking to adopt and asked for our prayers. When the baby came, he was loved by the entire ward. When they took him to the temple to be sealed as a family, practically the entire ward traveled for 10 hours to be part of it. Had they kept this problem to themselves, so many people would have missed an opportunity to love, to serve, and to rejoice.

    Of course, those of us who follow your blog will feel slighted if you don't tell us right away.

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  9. I have two boys and have also had a miscarriage. Have gone both routes on telling people. I was much happier when i told those who I felt would make the experience better. Some I told the week we found out, some not until I was showing. I think it doesn't matter when you tell. I figure I will tell those who I would share the miscarriage with anyway. People have an amazing ability to lift you up and help you heal after those losses and being alone was never an option for me.

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  10. I guess that it really depends how you want to experience it and how are the people to whom you will tell... I mean, if people are supportive and non intrusive, you can go for it without fear. I loved that you said that even if you miscarriage, having been pregnant will be awesome. So it's excellent to share and I guess you are surrounded by very loving and positive people, so no matter what happens, it will all be great.
    But it depends also on the culture, in some countries, people will tell at the beginning of the 4th month (or as soon as it shows). This can avoid the terrorists (as someone else pointed out here) and the pity (instead of compassion - which are quite different - in the case of loss). But it really depends.
    I think that a pregnancy is an on going miracle that is amazingly powerful and also quite fragile. I have a couple of friends that lost their baby at the 7th month of pregnancy... She didn't feel him moving in the morning, but she thought he was just a little lazy that day and she has a consultation at 1pm, she went on very serene, and then she learned that his heart had stopped that morning...It was unbelievable! I mean, most of us didn't even know something like that could happen. Normally at the 7th month, you may be worried that the baby comes out premature...not that he's heart will stop. They had already prepared the baby's room, chosen a name, baby showers were made. So everyone was full of love and support for them. A year and a half later they had a baby... and you cannot imagine the celebration of it.
    By the way, Mara and Danny, when you do get pregnant and when the baby comes (through your body or by an adoption), there will be fire crackers in many countries of the world!!! Whatever happens, we will rejoice and send you all our love and support!

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  12. My pregnancies have so far ended in miscarriages, so for me, personally, I am ultra-reluctant to share my the news of my next pregnancy. During my most recent pregnancy I did share the news with my sister-in-law (this was before I had any idea that I would miscarry) because I just felt so positive about everything and I didn't feel like I would miscarry. It was a real heartbreaker when I did, but it does help to share the pain with people you are close to while you are going through it, not just after the fact when you let everyone know what happened.

    On the other hand, my very first pregnancy had some early complications that occurred right before I miscarried, and I did have to tell my managers at work since I needed some emergency time off. I have to say, telling them that I miscarried was difficult because I would have never, ever shared that with them otherwise.

    It's also hard because when you're trying to conceive, and your friends and family know that you're trying, everyone is on Baby Watch during any social event. Will she have a glass of wine? Will she avoid the shrimp cocktail? Our family want us to have a baby almost as much as we do, and while it's utterly awesome to have their good vibes coming our way, I would by lying if I didn't feel a smidge of pressure to "get it right" next time.

    It was so interesting reading everyone's thoughts on this. Great topic!

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  13. We didn't announce our pregnancies in a formal way. The first one was a miscarriage very early on and we only told our parents after the fact. The next time, we told our mothers but then that one ended in an ectopic and at that point because it was a medical emergency for us, we shared with our immediate family and close friends. I was just very afraid to share the news and then have it not go well, I am superstitious that way. I wanted to get past the 12 weeks mark before making a big to do.
    When we did IVF, we did decide to open ourselves up more and we told our parents and our siblings. It was a relief to have them know when things were happening, to have them there as moral support and cheering and praying for us. It didn't end in success but I don't regret having shared the journey:)

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  14. I am pregnant with my first, and when I first found out (the week before Christmas) I didn't tell a soul! Not even my husband, although I think he knew, because normally I would have mentioned getting my period by that time of the month, and I didn't. But he didn't ask me about it, and I really loved (LOVED) having a delicious secret all to myself for a week, and then I got to "gift" him with the news of our baby on Christmas Eve :) It was perfect. I relished that time of being the only one who knew (even though it was a short time) because after I told my husband, EVERYONE in our family/friend circle knew (he has a big mouth):)

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  15. Well I didnt have IVF pregnancies so maybe that is different. I ended up telling most people early on. Mostly because I am so excited I can hardly contain myself-that and I get soo sick those first couple of months that I kind of have to for the obligations in my life.

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  16. Having experienced 2 miscarriages as well as being chosen for an adoption by a scammer, I prefer to wait to tell people. I just didn't want to answer al the questions over and over again. I kind of took an all or nothing approach - I didn't want to just tell a few people, so I didn't tell anybody. As I was miscarrying I was able to tell the few people that I waned to for support but I didn't have to worry about everyone knowing. With the adoption , we had told a lot of people, and most of them were understanding of the situation and how much we did or didn't want to talk about it after we found out she was a fake. When we were chosen for adoption again, we chose not to tell everybody because the baby was going to be born in only 2 days. So we told only our immediate family and few closest friends until our daughter had been placed with us. It was really fun to call everyone and tell them that we had a baby and how quickly it had all happened. I wouldn't have been able to or wanted to do that if it was longer than just a few days - because we were bursting with the excitement, but at the same time it was really fun to have those 2 days of just knowing our own little secret and being able to try to take it all in and get ready.

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  17. I am newly pregnant - we're talking maybe 6 weeks (first doctor's appt this week!) - and I am struggling with this very question. My husband and I told my mother the day we found out but we've decided not to tell his family because they CANNOT keep a secret and there is a long history of miscarriages in my family. It sounds terrible but I'm not exaggerating about his mother. Our confidence has been broken more than once because she loves a good story and will not keep a secret no matter how clearly we've stated that something we've told her is to be kept confidential, and as the Bishop's daughter-in-law and someone who didn't marry their until-then-inactive-son until well into my 30's, our entire ward is very interested and invested in our lives. Even people we don't know feel entitled to be informed about everything and I've had strangers at church asking me about our family planning or if I'm eating a snack at church because I'm pregnant, etc. since the Sunday after our sealing! Anyway, for now we've decided not to tell anyone except my mother because we can't tell close friends for fear of my husband's parents finding out and being very hurt that we didn't tell them and we can't tell his mother until we're ready for our entire ward and neighborhood to find out. It is hard but hopefully the right thing; we just don't know what to do and I want to wait the traditional 12 weeks unless my doctor is confident otherwise. (Support in the event of a miscarriage is a wonderful thought but in our situation, I can't help but suspect we'd mostly get curiosity and pity from people we don't know because they'd know of us. That I don't want.) Does anyone have advice about how we might handle this better?

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    1. I'm 8.5 weeks pregnant and I had to same problem, except it is my mother who can't keep a secret! My husband and I were constantly talking about how to tell her and when. We decided to tell her at 8 weeks, because my doctor said the chance for miscarriage was about 2% at 8 weeks and that my baby looked healthy so far. We let her tell everyone that she wanted to, and then 2 days announced it to everyone.

      Even though this is my first pregnancy, my wonderful husband and I aren't really worried about a miscarriage, and we let people know that right from the start. We announced it as "There is a 98% chance that we will have a baby by the end of the year (Minus 2% in case of miscarriage)." When people asked us about how things are going, we are trying to make it a point that we are fine with whatever happens, but that we are hoping for a healthy baby.

      It's been a really positive experience for us, but I completely understand the stress. Good luck!

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    2. Thank you so much...I just started reading this blog. I am almost 8 weeks pregnant with twins; I find it very hard to keep a secret...the support from the community of friends is essential. But I love your realism as well. I have had one terminated pregnancy (ectopic) and one miscarriage; the ups and downs are part of the journey. I pray for a healthy outcome :)!

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  18. I agree with The Family and Anonymous' comments. My second pregnancy we told everyone super early - week 6 or so - and then the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. The miscarriage itself wasn't really a big deal to me (I was so sick that pregnancy, I was happy to be healthy again), but for months and months and months I got comments about my pregnancy. It was so awkward to tell people about it, comforting them about an event that was not really sad to me.

    We were more cautious with our next 2 pregnancies. We didn't tell people early except for those whom we also would want to share miscarriage news with, too. Basically, family and close friends. That worked out way better for us, emotionally.

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  19. Everyone's situation and response will be so personal, but for me, I wait as long as possible.

    I don't get sick and it's a while before I show and there is something (for me) about carrying that little life inside and walking around knowing I know and that no one else does, even if it's just a few weeks. (Though people will always SWEAR they knew...but still, I like keeping it to myself). The world will have no doubts soon enough and really, for me, it makes my pregnancies so much more enjoyable, not feeling like I'm being inspected every day through the nine months.

    Good luck to you, really, in your endeavors to have children. You will be wonderful parents!

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  20. Ratch said it PERFECTLY! My thoughts exactly! The support we received through our losses were invaluable.

    I'll tell you what, after having 4 miscarriages, I do fear them. They SUCK. BUT I found an incredible blog post about this very thing that I know you will absolutely love. I tried to remember and will try to remember this post through all my pregnancies. Here's the link;

    http://www.nurturingheartsbirthservices.com/blog/?p=872&cpage=1#comment-8965

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  21. There are few things I love more in this world than a secret pregnancy! I have kept my 2 pregnancies a secret as long as I could, just because it is so sweet and intimate to have a little secret- just me and my husband know. I really love it, and he doesn't really care either way, so he lets me fool people as long as I want.

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  22. We didn't announce soon with our first, but then had to share the news of our miscarriage with some people. I decided with our second I wanted the support and prayers from the start so we shared very quickly. Third pregnancy went great, fourth was another miscarriage. We were feeling scared and didn't share the news widely of our fifth pregnancy and I ended up on bedrest at 10 weeks gestation and birthed at 23 weeks - some people had barely heard were were pregnant when they got the news of his birth! Sixth pregnancy (fourth birth) I was so terrified I refused to take the test, fearing another loss. Everyone was telling ME I was pregnant and demanding I be seen asap. :) Seventh was another loss and we told almost no one. Eight and nine we told only very close friends and family at first, though once again I was on bedrest and it was obvious. Plus I start throwing up before I even got the positive test so I'm not subtle! Six healthy children now, and daily prayers of thanks from this tired but oh, so grateful mom.

    As a doula I've had clients call to hire me the day they got a positive pregnancy test, once before she even announced it to her husband! And while I'm happy to put them on my schedule, I suggest to them we wait to do the contract and fee. I don't specify why, but I've had clients have losses - I can only imagine how painful it would be to them if I return their deposit check instead of celebrating their baby's birth with them.

    Sorry for the long comment, your question obviously provokes a lot of thought! :)

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  23. There are some people in my life--my mom, my sisters and my best friend--who I told immediately. As in, 'I'm-on-my-way-to-buy-a-pregnancy-test' or 'I-just peed-on-a-stick-immediately.' I knew all of those parties would be privy to every single up and down along the way anyway, so there was really no sense in waiting. Everyone else we told around 10 weeks or so!

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  24. We've only had 1 baby so far. We told our parents around 8 weeks and then we told everyone else after my first trimester. The thought of miscarrying scared me to death so I wanted to make sure the pregnancy was far enough along before I told people.

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  25. In our case - we've been trying for over three years to conceive. I've been dealing with fertility drugs for two years and have not yet done IVF - but have done IUI.

    I miscarried at 7 weeks in February. When we found out we were pregnant - I told EVERYONE. I mean I shouted it from the rooftop! I was so excited! My husband is a bit more private and wanted to wait - but I just couldn't hold it in. However, when I ended up miscarrying, there was nothing worse than the idea of having to pass the news along to everyone I just told. In our situation - it added to the pain. Thankfully, my amazing mother took over and told everyone so that we wouldn't have to do it. It was so painful!

    I recently found out I'm five weeks pregnant (YAY!!) but we have told only a few select people (my parents, my brothers, and one good friend. Husband's parents can't keep a secret for the life of them so we'll wait to tell them until after the first ultrasound). I think we will wait until 12 or 14 weeks to officially announce it to the world (aside from me just doing it on your blog! :))

    I think what really makes a difference is your attitude. The first time - I was so happy but lived in fear that I would miscarry. This time I've surrendered that fear to God. He knows the desires of my heart.

    So, until we can announce to the world, we are just revelling in the joy and the thankfulness that we conceived. It's a wonderful secret for Husband and I to keep together.

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  26. I think it is a very personal choice for everyone. For me I have lost 4 (I have 3.) I lost my last 3 all in one year. The first one I lost that year was the worst, we were planning on telling everyone on the day my oldest was being baptized. Luckily I had already told my sister and my dear friend and my mom had found out by looking through the picture calendar and seeing the day marked. The week leading up to the baptism I started spotting, I was so grateful my friend already knew, she came and cleaned up my house and helped me get ready for 40 people coming to my house since I was supposed to take it easy. I lost the baby literally moments before my husband left for the baptism (he needed to go early to change.) It was and still is the worst day of my life. I was so torn with conflicting emotions. I was so happy and proud of my little boy and so full of anguish for the little one that was slippy away back to heaven, the little one I would never hold in my arms, never see get baptized. The moment my mom saw me that day she knew. I am grateful I didn't have to tell her "I was pregnant and I've lost the baby."
    I have had to say that and for me it is worse to tell of the pregnancy and loss all at the same time. I remember going to Thanksgiving later that year (#3)I had just found out I was pregnant on Sunday and started spotting day before Thanksgiving. All they could do that early on was a blood test Wed. and then another a few days later to see if levels had risen. Well since it was a holiday I had to wait till Monday. So the entire weekend of "gratefulness" I spent wondering if I was grateful or not. A cousin on my husbands side came in pregnant as can be, no one had thought to mention to me that she was pregnant. It was awful, no one knew what was going on because we hadn't told anyone yet so I was so alone, and it was supposed to be such a happy day.
    So from my experience tell those close around you that you are pregnant, if you would tell them about the miscarriage then tell them about the pregnancy. you will want their support if it happens.
    I pray for you that you get your little one, it hurts to have empty arms. Even when you have kids to fill them. People often say at least you already have kids...WHAT? that does not make the loss any less, I mourn for that particular child lost not because I don't have children. I know what I am missing out on, I still had dreams of life with that baby, and dreams of my other children with that baby. Loss is loss and I wish people would realized it, they don't mean to be inconsiderate they just have not experienced it. They also often say oh at least it was early on.....ya that doesn't matter either.
    I wish you the best of luck in all your decisions, how ever you get your little one he/she will be completely yours and you will be great!

    (I Just read the comment above and agree that it is a fun secret to have! I love the little while I walk around thinking no one knows about this wonderful secret! But it sounds like she has never lost one. If I could ever try again I would love to keep it a secret but I know I wouldn't for the very reason I know I need the support.)

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  27. After trying for 7 years with many failed AI attempts, you better believe that I told every single person I knew or even sort of knew when I got pregnant with my first IVF cycle. I too was not really afraid of a miscarriage. I just wanted so badly to experience being pregnant.

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  28. I have had two miscarriages since September. The first one was my very first ever pregnancy and we were super excited. We told our parents right away, like literally the day before I even missed my period! Grandparents and siblings were told shortly after that. Then I was kind of hesitant. We told our extended families at about 8 or 9 weeks. My mom was just dying (first grand baby) to tell everyone she knew and I kept saying I wasn't ready yet. The pregnancy didn't feel real to me and I was feeling super guilty for not being as excited to tell everyone as I thought I would/should be. I kept saying we would tell on Labor Day. I didn't hold out and we ended up telling sooner. So we posted on FB, our blog, and let the world know. Then, in the early morning hours on Labor Day, I miscarried at 12 weeks. It was awful and really, really hard.

    For me, the yuckiest part about everyone knowing was having to put the miscarriage out there on the internet (FB, blog, etc). It was one thing to tell my family about what had happened but it seemed so personal and private and painful to just write in a status update for everyone I ever went to high school with and don't' even talk to anymore to see online. I hated that part. It was about that time I cleared out my friends list on deleted anyone I wouldn't personally call to tell about a pregnancy. Drastic? Maybe. But it has been SO nice and refreshing and I don't regret it a bit.

    I got pregnant again in November and we didn't tell a soul, not even our parents. Then I started bleeding again at 7 weeks and had to call and tell our parents, who didn't even know we were expecting, that it was happening all over again. I hated that, it was so hard. I think this time was worse. The first time my whole family and friends and office knew and there was SO much support. People sent cards and flowers and checked up on us and were just so incredibly caring and wonderful. Not that people weren't supportive the second time, but I think it was different since they didn't know about the pregnancy in the first place. I felt more alone the second time than I did the first.

    I am pregnant again right this very moment and we have sort of done it in between this time. Our parents knew right away, followed by siblings and grandparents. We are telling extended family, work and close friends this week. I don't think I will do a big "Facebook Announcement" or anything this time. Especially because now, all my FB friends are people I will call and tell anyway!

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  29. I've had two miscarriages and am now 7 weeks into my third pregnancy (very guarded about the outcome). In the last 2.5 years my thoughts on this have really evolved. The first two pregnancies, I planned to wait until the end of the first trimester to tell ... then miscarried, and I wanted to tell my family and friends anyway. When we started fertility treatments, at first I was embarrassed to tell anyone. In time I realized that I needed people to know. The more I shared, the less tragic it became. I could talk about it without crying and eventually could laugh about it (believe me, there's so much to laugh about in the ridiculousness of fertility treatments). The more open I was, the more open other people were, and I learned so much from other couples' stories. I feel blessed that I've been able to be a support to friends dealing with infertility ... and if I hadn't shared first, I might not have known they were going through it too.

    I also found a lot of strength and support by making friends with the older women around me. I even joined the Daughters of the Utah Pioneers so I could hang with the old ladies once a month! This sassy group of women in their 70s and 80s have seen it all and can laugh about their hard times now. Their wise old humor has really helped me to put my problems in perspective, and makes me excited about growing older.

    So now I immediately tell my family and closest friends. As other people have said on here, if it's a person I would tell about the miscarriage, then it's a person I want to tell about the pregnancy. I need their prayers and support, and since I've been open about our fertility treatments, the people closest to me are wondering what's going on anyway, and I'm a terrible liar.

    For women with full-time jobs, I do think it's important NOT to tell too early at at the office. It's a career-changing announcement and definitely something you want to control. In all but the most enlightened workplaces, people are prone to start writing a woman off once she announces a pregnancy .... assuming she'll quit, not considering her for promotions, etc. If this pregnancy sticks, I'm not telling a soul at work until A) it's obvious, and B) I've made my decisions about maternity leave and working afterwards. I want to be the one to handle these choices, not have them made for me.

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  30. I agree with everyone, interesting topic! With my first we told people at about 9 weeks I think. This time (2nd) I had a harder time bcd everyone wanted to know when we'd go for round two. (I got asked that within weeks after 1 was born!--which is annoying bc seriously, I'm still recovering and you want me to jump down that rabbit hole again!? NOW!?) But with my close friends I didn't mind telling them that we were taking out the IUD on such and such date. I think they knew it was coming. But surprisingly after I did take it out no one asked at all! (I guess they were trying to give us some space) so it wasn't hard to keep it from them and everyone and tell them when we found out what we were having. (20 weeks) My husband and I both loved this! I didn't get the "how are you feeling?" sympathy all the time--which drives me crazy bc I have a lot more going on than just being a baby incubator! or the belly rubs--which I also can't stand, especially when there is no bump to rub! (on this note my husband says I should ask people what their wish is...as though rubbing the belly makes me a genie....) so honestly, we were both very happy waiting. If we'd had a miscarriage it wouldn't have been a big deal to tell people then and have them mourn with us.

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  31. Totally depends. For me, I feel the need to talk a lot about it when we are in the middle of a IVF cycle. I kid you not, we have at least 30 people that knew about our latest IVF. Not to mention some family and a few message boards. All of these people are extremely supportive of us. They have been there every step of the way. So, of course, they want to know if it "worked" or not. This ultimately means telling people very early in a pregnancy. Now, if we were to get pregnant and m/c, I think I would still want these people to know. They would support us. I imagine it would be a endless train of food, tears, and love. They have wrapped us up in their love through our whole IF journey. First with the birth of my daughter and now with us trying again for more children. So, we tell them. The rest of the world at large finds out after the 1st tri. Even if things go wrong, I feel good about our choices to be open about what we are going through.

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  32. Being vulnerable is scary! But if we try to numb feelings of disappointment or fear then we also numb feelings of joy and creativity. Tell everyone - as soon as you get excited because feelings of joy are not meant to be numbed, even if there is a risk that they will be short-lived.

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  33. I told everyone almost right away. I was 7wks with our third daughter when I announced, but that was more because I was already showing! It is always scary, but my desire to be a mom was bigger than the fear of losing the baby and I chose to focus on that rather than choose to be consumed by a fear of what might happen. I have very challenging, high risk pregnancies and I still chose to focus on the joy. It made the challenges that much easier to bare!

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  34. When we got pregnant with our daughter it was a complete surprise but I was so happy we told me siblings, parents, and my best friends right away. However, we waited until the first trimester was over to tell everyone else because of a fear of miscarriage. With the next I want to do the same, I got just the support I wanted until I was ready for the celebration.

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  35. We've always been too excited to keep it in (we have three). I haven't struggled with infertility or miscarriage but I think I would still tell early. I love feeling supported and think if I were going through a miscarriage, I would want support from those I really love. Plus, it is just such exciting news!

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  36. I always think i'm going to keep it a secret for a while, but can't help sharing with a few. I love to tell those who will be excited for me and support me. Even with our first pregnancy which ended up as a miscarriage, it was fun to tell one or two close friends because they can support you through out the whole experience, or be there for you if it wasn't meant to be that time. It's just about the funnest thing to think about and anticipate in the entire world! I hope it comes your way very soon :) And do tell, because we are all crazy about you!

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  37. I am pregnant with my first. I have to say that it was so fun to celebrate the pregnancy in secret with my husband for a couple of months. It did get difficult though since we live so close to my parents. We ended up telling them at 10 weeks, and slowly other friends and family have been finding out. A month later I still haven't gone public on my blog or facebook, but will soon. Personally, if I had a miscarriage I would hope not everyone had found out yet. I would get plenty of support if I told them after/during the fact without having to deal with awkward questions later (has happened to friends of mine.) Obviously your situation is different and we would all love to know details but I would say make sure you take time to celebrate as a couple first.

    P.S. I hope you two become parents soon! You would make the cutest little family:)

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    1. Um small world. You are totally my cuz! I LOVE that you are prego. While you didn't make it public to facebook... you told Grandma and that is like telling everyone. :)

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  38. I feel so, so sad for everyone here who have experience one or more miscarriages. People often talk about miscarriage in the same tone as "I had apple pie"--something so common, no big deal, which was probably one of the reasons it rocked my UNIVERSE when I lost my 3rd at 10 weeks. I have never known sorrow like that and it took me totally by surprise. And you know what? I was glad that my close friends and family knew because I needed some people to grieve with. But I was very (very) glad that I hadn't announced it on a larger scale. So, I say, go with your instincts. How you feel (maybe you'll really want to keep it to yourself, or just the opposite) might surprise you.

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  39. I had a miscarriage last March and at the time we hadn't told anyone we were pregnant (one of my friends knew) because we were so afraid of something bad happening. But then when I ended up in the ER twice in one week for ruptured cysts, we ended up telling family. It was not fun saying, "Oh, I was pregnant but I'm not anymore." The one thing I was trying to avoid happened anyway. Eventually, I opened up about the MC to more people and actually found that it's something most people don't talk about but a good amount of people experience. Now, a little more than a year later, I'm just starting my first IVF cycle and I have not kept it quiet. It's a big thing in my life right now and I don't see the point in keeping it to myself. My family and friends are very supportive and that's something I really appreciate. I'm not sure we'll announce right away to the world when we're pregnant again, but I'll decide that when it happens. Most people are supportive but also don't push with the questions, if i want to talk, they listen otherwise, they don't ask. Well, a few ask but they're usually the same people who tell me to "just relax"!

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  40. I didn't tell anyone about our IVF cycle, I didn't want to have to deal with disappointing people if it didn't work and I knew we only could afford one try at it; my husband told his parents. When we got our positive pg test (Praise God!) I told my sister and my mother and he told his parents and after that I didn't tell a single other person, not one, until I was over 20 weeks. My HCG numbers were low and slow to double and there was some drama about maybe the pg not sticking. Then I guess I just didn't want to deal with telling people or being the center of attention in that way. I carried really small and I work in a small office and we were older (mid 30s) so no one was really expecting it. My husband, who had had cancer, got very sick again quite early in the pregnancy and that became the focus anyway. When I look back on it now, I feel okay about all of that, I guess I liked having my secret pregnancy. Very best of luck with your treatments, it is such a process! With love,
    Elizabeth

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  41. I've had multiple miscarriages. My first two miscarriages were before anyone knew that we were pregnant. The third pregnancy, I decided that I was going to tell everyone that I wanted support from later if I miscarriaged again. But, we didn't really announce our first two miscarriages until we had our third miscarriage at 12 weeks. Of course, the bleeding began the day after I made the "big" announcement. The support that I felt the third time around was amazing. I had no support the first two times and it was really rough dealing with it. After experiencing so much support on the third one, I decided that I would always tell those around me and my family right away. I wanted them to celebrate with me. When we finally told others about our miscarriage history, they felt so awkward and some were definitely hurt by us not letting them share in the happiness. My third baby's first trimester was incredibly emotional because there were so many signs of miscarriage. I had told people that we were trying and immediately when we found out. They all knew to be ready for me to miscarry and their support was awesome and essential to me. They truly celebrated with me on each week that I kept the pregnancy. But, I think that the greatest blessing that has come through all of my sharing and openness has been the friendships that I've built. There is an absolute bond shared by those that have lost a baby. But, you never make the connection if you don't make it public. I have had so many come to me for support when they have miscarried because they already knew that I had been there. They already knew that I completely understood them. I often think of the scripture "Mourn with those that mourn..." If I had not been open about it, I would have missed out on so many blessings. I can't even count the number of women that I know that have miscarried, but I can't think of a single one that has experienced more than one miscarriage that regrets telling people about the pregnancy. Those with one miscarriage have seem more guarded, but I absolutely regret keeping my first two miscarriages a secret.

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  42. Wow you got a lot of responses to this! For me I announce, I can't hold my excitement/happiness in. I have had 5 pregnancies and 2 were miscarriages and I never regretted the fact that I had announced the pregnancy because I would have told all the same people that I was going through a miscarriage. I needed peoples help and support. Also I should mention that I am not a private person.

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  43. i wanted to shout our IVF from the rooftop- especially when the little embryos were growing!i was just fascinated by the process. but i only told a few close family members who had also been through IVF. now that i've had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, i'm glad i didn't tell many people. it's completely heartbreaking, and i really don't want to hear any more opinions about what i'm doing wrong what i need to do differently to get pregnant.

    LOVE your blog and wish you the very best with your family planning!

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  44. This is my first pregnancy. We were told we couldn't have kids and found out I was expecting at my OBGYN's office for a well woman exam. I was already 8 weeks along and in complete shock. We were so happy. We told our best friends who were super excited, and I told my 3 closest girlfriends. We were in the process of moving to New York and telling people made the whole thing extra miserable since everyone kept saying how we should stay in Texas and moving to New York was a bad idea especially now that we were having a baby and on and on. It made me go through huge emotional ups and downs about the move, something I was previously so excited about to the point I kind of went off on our friends and told them to just stop and that they were making me regret sharing the news with them.

    I told my parents at 9 weeks and my dad spread it all over the internet and it really made me mad. I was very weird about the ultrasound picture and he took a picture of it while we were on facetime and posted it as his profile picture on skype and MSN. I told him to take it down and that it was my news to share, not his and he didn't listen. I told him with next pregnancy he'd only find out along with the rest of the internet.

    I'm almost 13 weeks now and have not said anything online (FB, twitter). I like people not knowing because of our experience with our close friends and all the questions and opinions. I'm not sure when I'll talk about it on FB bc I don't want to get questioned about having a baby in NY, and what about school, or anything else.

    So it's up to you. I think in your case everyone will be nothing but excited and supportive since you've struggled with it for so long. In other people's cases certain people in their lives make sharing more difficult and not enjoyable.

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  45. I think it's a matter of preference. For me, we told everyone:-) I wouldn't change it. We have waited a little longer to tell certain people with subsequent pregnancies, but you kind of feel put your own situation and share how feels comfortable & safe for you.

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  46. I have not personally experienced loss, but I do prefer to keep the special news to myself as long as I can. (Which is hard to do with a husband who likes to tell right away.) I think part of my wanting to keep the news private is, not only fear of loss, but fear of judgment. Even though neither have been an issue.
    I thought I would be judged for getting pregnant right after I got married, especially because I was only 19 (20 by the time of the birth.) I thought I would be judged when I became pregnant again when my son was only 6 mos. I don't recall feeling this fear when I became pregnant with my 3rd, but I'm pretty sure I was feeling it to some degree. But this fear was all in my head, and each of those announcements was received with joy and gladness.
    When I became pregnant with #4, I almost didn't want to tell my husband, because he has a hard time keeping the secret, and I really wanted to wait this time. The fear of judgment that I had previously was 10-fold with this one. Largely stemmed by a comment by a fellow leader in YW a couple of months before we were actually pregnant, but at a time when I was thinking I might be. (I guess I said something that prompted the "Are you pregnant" question, and I said "Not that I know of", to which the woman responded "I was gonna say, 'Already?!'" Her statement hurt me, and really prompted me to think that her reaction was the one I would hear the most when I announced #4.)
    I don't know if I would feel so guarded if the world today was more accepting of women who not only want children, but want many. Or if the world were more accepting of women choosing to have their children close together. Or if people were better at minding their own business.
    It is a weird feeling, because I am proud of my choice to be a mother, and I am proud of how close my children are (and even wish 3 and 4 could have been more closely spaced), but I constantly feel the need to defend my choices and I hate that. And, unless I can figure out how to come to terms with this, I will probably become ever more guarded with any future pregnancies (of which I am hoping there are many.)
    Anyway, sorry for the novel. I think if and when you tell is a very personal choice for every person. I think it is something that would be good to talk about and consider with your spouse beforehand.

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  47. I agree, it is so a matter of preference and personal comfort level. I also have never had the opportunity to announce a pregnancy, but I have had the amazing opportunity of announcing upcoming adoptions. Four times! And, while only two of those announcements actually yielded my children, I don't regret that we told people about the other two, hopeful situations. My husband and I needed those extra prayers and showings of love and support during the failed adoptions; people truly "mourn with those that mourn" when they are aware. And even before we knew the outcome of each situation, it was nice to feel the excitement and love that others had for us and for our future family.

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  48. I regret not telling more people (or the right people) about our three ivfs, all of which failed. I could have used some more support! Best of luck with your family planning endeavors--we are all rooting for you!

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  49. It's definitely a personal choice. We have struggled for eight years to start our family and have had two *very* early miscarriages -- one at 6 1/2 weeks and one at 6 weeks. We had not yet told our families either time, so the only news we were able to give was that we'd miscarried. I wish we had told them sooner because it would have been wonderful to have our parents be excited with us, even if it was just for a few days. And the extra prayers couldn't have hurt, either. The next time it happens, we're not going to worry about trying to do something cutesy to tell our families -- we're just going to tell them as soon as we can. I don't think we'll run out and tell everyone we know right away, but we want our families to know, at least.

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  50. I just experienced two IVF losses. The first IVF experience I posted on facebook (to a group of close friends, not the entire FB world). I kept everyone updated that way which was easier because I could say it once and be done with it. When it didn't work, I just didn't say anything. I think people understood. The 2nd IVF cycle I was hesitant to do anything, but it was so hard and I felt I needed the support so I also shared it with the small facebook group. There was a lot of excitement when we thought things were going better. In the end we found out that on top of half uterus, luteal phase deficiency, and my husband's low motility and morphology, I have bad eggs, the Dr. gave me a 10% chance with IVF. I am 28... The cycle ended up with my husband and I having to come to terms with accepting the fact that we will not have children. I shared all of the news on FB and now everyone I care about knows and It's easier this way. We do not feel that adoption is the path for us, so we are now joining a very small group of involuntary childlessness. The hard part now is answering the question, do you have children. I used to say not yet, now I say, we can't. It's sort of weird, but I have no shame in sharing this part of my life. It's who I am. Sorry this reply is so long!

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  51. After trying for years and continuously miscarrying, when I was finally pregnant with our son, we waited until 11 weeks (we wanted to wait until 12 but my in-laws would be on vacation and not reachable then) to tell family. I have to say that even though you want to be pregnant, miscarriage is a very, very, very difficult experience - one I don't think you can truly prepare for emotionally. And even though I know you wan to be pregnant, even for a few weeks, I sincerely hope that it never happens to you, that you never experience a miscarriage. Positive thoughts though that you will be pregnant and carry to term!

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  52. When we learned that we were unexpectedly expecting (a month into marriage and a week after moving far away from everyone we knew!) we were in such shock (honestly we felt more panic than joy for a couple of months...), so we decided not to tell anyone until the three-month mark. Mostly, this was to give ourselves time to wrap our heads around the idea of becoming parents BEFORE we had to answer questions, receive congratulations, etc. By the time we told our family and friends, we had embraced the surprise for the blessing it was and made the announcement with joy. Like many have said before me, each situation is so unique that you have to do what feels right. If that's shouting it from the rooftops on day one—GO FOR IT! :)

    PS As a side not on IVF...My sister-in-law and her husband just went through their first round of IVF with a surrogate ( donor egg, husband's sperm, best friend as surrogate.) The pregnancy looked viable for a week, then an ultrasound last week revealed that the pregnancy had failed to progress. They had chosen to involve very close friends and family in the process (every single step), and while the news of the failed cycle is devastating to us all, we are so glad to be able to support them through it, and pray for them as they make difficult choices about whether or not to try again.

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  53. We told noone and had a loss at thirteen weeks. It was very sad because we had no support. Because our loss was a termination for medical reasons we felt we couldn't even tell anyone about it after the fact because of the stigma judgment and misunderstanding that exists around the topic. Our parents still don't know what happened to us a year later nor that we have been going through infertility since then(the loss was our first pregnancy). In retrospect I wish I did tell good friends earlier who I would know would be there to support me. I am glad I didn't tell my parents though because I think the circumstances would have been heartbreaking to them in a way that would have effected 5hem the rest of their lives as it has been for me. I didn't want to cause them pain and their religion would have made it that it would be difficult to except even given the extreme circumstances. So my rule of thumb going forward will be to imagine a worst case scenario and tell only the people that I would feel comfortable leaning to in such a situation and tell those people. Others I will wait until later.

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  54. wooowwwwwww
    is magic..
    nice thread and thank's to information about love . .

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  55. In our case we did 3 cycles of IVF with negatives results. We just told about the treatment for the first time and was really hard to tell everyone about the result. It`s hard when you need to tell someone that you failed. It was how we felt !!

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  56. With our first son, he was born via emergency c-section (at 35 weeks) and died two days later. I announced very early on and didn't even realize loosing him was a possbility. For our second pregnancy, we waited until nearly 21 weeks as blood test had shown the potential for chromosomal abnormalities and we waited until after an amnio to annouce we were expecting our second son. He was born healthy and we were overjoyed but also sad at not having his brother here on Earth. Unfortunatley, most people seemed to think our second son was a "replacement" for our first son's death. For my third pregnancy I told no one until I ended up in the ER miscarrying at 8 weeks. I am now pregnant again (fourth pg, 2 babies in Heaven and 1 here on Earth). And I am at times terrified and at times giddy with joy. But I have to gaurd my heart, because I have found even well mean and loving people can somtimes say the most hurtful things when you suffer the loss of a live child at near term and when you tell them you have miscarried. I find that keeping it to myself helps preserve my heart and my joy because it is protected from folks he may unintentionally invalidate this preganacy, my miscarriage, or my first son's life.

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  57. Am i the only one that don't care much what will happen?!?????
    I am 7 days after a 5 days transfer... Tuesday will be my blood work.... And since in the beginning of my ivf i share each step on my Facebook page.....
    Since my whole family lives in Brazil is a way to share the experience with then... Since they can't be close...
    I don't regret and i feel that everyone wishing me luck is awesome and make me strong to go through all the process

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  58. I'm 7 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. With the first 2 my husband was too excited to keep it himself...although I wanted to wait a bit longer. This time, we decided to wait until after the first appt, and announce it as a Christmas gift to the families. I LOVE having this secret just between my husband and myself.. and know it's my last baby make it that much more special.

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  59. Wow you've had so many responses to this! As you can see, everyone and every situation is different and it's completely up to you at what point in the IVF process you announce the news to friends/family. Some people are worried about announcing too early in case they are unsuccessful, but it is also really important to have the support of loved ones. Do whatever you feel comfortable with :)

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  60. Thanx for sharing this info , I saw related info on -: http://tinyurl.com/kja6gzj . keep writing and sharing.

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