16 May 2012

If Your Wife is Infertile...


I've had two husbands during my years of infertility.

I know very well what it's like to interact with a husband over these kinds of issues.

Luckily Danny could not be more positive about the entire experience, which is contagious let me tell you.


May I present to you.......some things that Danny does that rocks my world:
  •  He knows what time of the month it is.  He keeps good track of these things.  He seems to always have a clue about when I'm fertile.  I always think, "Does he write it on a calendar like I do or what?"  I don't think he does.  But he knows.  I barely have to think about it.  And it means the world to me.
    • He doesn't hesitate to initiate.  There isn't any tension.  Never a need for awkward reminders.  Never a moment of thinking, "I'm the only one running this show."  There are few things worse than feeling like you're the only one on top of things.  (ha, no pun intended :) 
    • He talks openly about fertility as if it's a family issue.  Meaning, he doesn't just sit there like it's not his deal & look to me to do all the talking if it comes up.  He has stayed in tune with doctor appointments and knows the answers to questions that come up from family and friends.  I love his involvement and co-ownership of those discussions. 
    • He supports everything we're doing to assist the process.  I mean, everything.  He's willing to try all kinds of things.  Even the really crazy ones.  And he's always checking menus & labels for me for gluten-free & dairy-free foods.
    • He has no fear about adoption.  None.  He'd do it in a heartbeat.  His open mind about that is a blessing to me. 
    • He tells me often what a good mom I am.  Yep, he talks about the mom that "I am."  He always wants to give me confidence that I already have everything I need to possess that role.  Never, ever, ever has he given me reason to think otherwise.  He just exudes 100% confidence in me & tells me so often.
    • And well, he enjoys the process....I mean, we are talking about baby-making.  :)  Plus he just loves the idea of a family and he's grateful to be working towards that.  
      Hopefully this list is helpful to any husbands out there.  I know you guys want to do anything you can to make things go smoothly.  You're awesome for all you are trying to do.

      Do you have anything else to add?  Any great things your husband did or didn't do when you were trying to get pregnant??  I'd so love to hear.  And I'm sure other husbands would appreciate it, too :)

      Mara

      P.S.  Here's a link to another post I wrote for the Equals Record.  It's about a topic I haven't yet shared on the blog & it's about something I did when my first marriage was at it's lowest point...

      P.S.  Sending a lot of love to "K.H." - thank you for your life.  You're a beautiful and wonderful person with so much to give.  Thank you for your email.  We love you.


      (Photo source:  Eye Poetry.)

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      16 comments:

      1. I loved your post for the Equals Record, so beautiful. I also loved this post on husband dealing with their wives infertility. One thing my husband does is he never puts blame on me or my body. Meaning, he never says "my wife is infertile" or "my wife can't have babies. He takes ownership of it and always says "WE" even though truthfully he is completely fertile and it is my body that is stubborn. I have had immense guilt over the years that I couldn't give him children and knowing that he sees us as one, and sees it a "we" issue is so incredibly comforting. On a side note, after 10 years of infertility, IVF, losses and then 2 amazing kids through adoption we were surprised with a miracle pregnancy. I credit completely cutting out dairy as a major factor in that. Also it may sound crazy but I started getting colonics and I swear that helped too. I feel SO lucky to have created a family using two of God's family planning techniques, adoption and birth. Good luck on your baby journey, I am praying for you.

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        1. Hi Ratch,

          Did you have some problems, like tubes blocked? I'm wondering whether cutting diary could in any way help in my situation..even though I doubt

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      2. I had no clue that dairy was a preventative to getting prego. We have been off birth control for a year and a half. We are in the stage of not really trying and leaving it in God's hands. I dont think he thinks of it as much as I do, but every month I keep thinking what if.. I guess when the time is right we will really try and if it so happens that we are infertile, then we try all the options. I was adopted when I was 12, so it has always been my dream to adopt in hopes of saving a childs life like mine was. It a beautiful thing. You both are such an inpiration in so many ways to me. Thank you.

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      3. love this.
        also, love your blog.
        we just had our third mother's day since we began the journey, {i know that's not much compared to some} and i always find it so comforting to know that i'm not the only woman in the world who struggles this way. especially now, when everyone i know who is married in my friend group {literally} is pregnant, or has a newborn. I LOVE YOU, INTERNETS! thanks for being so open and honest. i'm so pumped for the day that you make that special announcement on your blog, whether it's an adoption announcement or the plus sign kind. :)

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      4. this is beautiful. i have so many friends who have struggled with infertility and the attitudes that you guys are choosing to have are an inspiration to me, SO glad you guys are sharing and hopefully what you are putting out there will spread like wildfire. :):) i can't wait for the day when you guys share that you're having a baby, no matter how that baby gets in your arms (biologically or through adoption) i can just tell you will love him or her very well.

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      5. You guys are the best! Is there anyway you could post a few highlights of the classes that you've done? That would be lovely!

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      6. I love this post Mara. My husband and I have been trying for two years, but now its on hold due to his cancer diagnosis. This mother's day was particularly hard because I would have been seven months pregnant had I not miscarried last year, but he gave me a really sweet mother's day card and it really felt good to be recognized like that. <3

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      7. I think your suggestions are great - and I would also just add that extra emotional support is good. Our situation is a little different in that there isn't any sort of regular cycle to keep track of at all. But there are still hormonal fluctuations that seem to come out of nowhere. Also, with infertility drugs the hormones and side effects can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes it is really nice to just have my husband hold my hand or scratch my back or something, and let me cry to him and express how I was feeling.

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      8. Hello! I came to your blog, because your profile photo intrigued me. And now I see that not only one photo is cool! So, I'm glad I found you because your blog is awesome! Good job and please keep posting, because you do it great, and I start following and will visit you with pleasure!
        xx nik

        http://nikandpic.blogspot.com/

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      9. I feel very blessed in this area. With our first son, we thought it was 100% my husbands issue. We knew we would struggle to get pregnant even before we married. I was all in. I never resented him for his condition. However, this second time around has been both of us. I kept losing and losing and struggled to get pregnant in the first place. I think because we both played a role, we had an empathy for the other that was very binding. We were a team. Oh how I love that man! My husband also loved the baby making process;-). Now we are using the same method to get our baby girl out! I'm 39+ weeks pregnant! I too cannot wait to hear that special announcement on your blog. It will happen however the Lord intends it to! You two are rock stars and ARE amazing parents!

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      10. This is a great post. I would add the following bit of advice: act like your wife is already pregnant during fertility treatments. Be extra supportive, accommodating, and nice. Fawn over her, rub her back, ask if there is anything you can get her (more than usual), pitch in with household chores, etc. I've had to explain that the fertility meds make me uncomfortable and CRAZY, and he needs to approach me like I'm already pregnant. If I'm being a little crazy, let it go. I try and remind him where I'm at in the process, and give him the disclaimer my crazy time is approaching. Strangely enough, I felt more even keeled when I was actually pregnant vs fertility treatments. We're trying for #2 right now, and I'm sitting here with a bloated and sore belly while my husband is out buying ice cream. :)

        I was asked to speak in church on Mother's Day, and talked about our struggles with fertility, and how hope is really the thing that keeps you going in your darkest hours. I'm sending good thoughts your way. Good luck with your fertility journey!

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      11. I love this Mara - I am so, so happy for you - I was unhappy once and am happy now. I'm so glad you've found yours with Danny and know what a good mother you ARE too - loved loved loved this..........xoxoxo

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      12. I just read the link where you've also posted and couldn't help but comment. -
        As soon as I began reading this post, my heart was overwhelmed and the spirit filled my home. There was a day when I was 22 years old, I’d been married for just over a year and my husband told me he didn’t want to have children with me. My whole world came crashing down. I engulfed myself in the service of other’s to get me through such a rough time and when I knew that I had held on for as long as I could, I let go. I’ve since married someone incredible and as we struggle to have kids, I’m constantly taken back at the love that is around me.
        I can’t believe how close this post hit home for me. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for sharing something so personal and close to your heart. It’s amazing to see someone so beautiful come out on top and be able to learn form other’s lessons and heart aches. I truly enjoy your blog. :)

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      13. Its a nice stroy. It is a condition which is come in any men or women. The CAT scan revealed that I indeed had multiple fractures of my face, the most prominent being the zygomatic arch, which is the bone between your ear and nose right under the eye.

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      14. There is a wonderful talk about this subject in the June Ensign from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Found on lds.org by Carolynn R. Spencer. I would encourage all to read it!

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