30 January 2012

I'll Take One of These, Please


Today, I'm thinking more about having a baby than usual.

It feels good.

Sometimes I worry that I have lost the giddy excitement of it all, you know?
So I really welcome the moments when my heart longs for it or flutters a wee bit when I think of
having a little Danny Kofoed running around my apartment with straight, bouncy hair (you should see how straight and bouncy Danny's hair is without his man wax.)  I still have some hope that it might happen.

In the meantime, I have enjoyed going through these infertility treatments now & in the recent past.  I know you must think I am crazy cause I just said that.  But I really mean it....even with every clomid pill, injection, blood test, temperature reading, ultrasound, homeopathic drop, Chinese tea, Bodytalk session and meditation. 

You see, it's a privilege to really be trying for a baby at all.  

It's a privilege to be married - let alone to the best husband ever who wants to be a parent with me & who thinks that I'll be a good mother!!  (Best feeling in the world!!)   It's a privilege to have the means to carry out some medical and holistic treatments.  It's a privilege to be developing more and more as a woman each and every month that it doesn't work out.  I have some very aggressive medical treatments ahead (actually much more aggressive than IVF).  But I really couldn't be more grateful for this experience.  And even if I sometimes forget about the end result of snuggling a tiny little baby (because it seems so far off), for now, just the process of it all makes me giddy.  Cause it's progress in more ways than one. :)

(Photo above is Danny.  When I went to Salt Lake to visit Danny's parents for the very first time, Danny's mom put  this photo in my room so I could see a baby picture of him.  I hadn't seen any until then.  I snatched a picture of it.  Boy oh boy, that cute, smiling face & happy eyes just about do me in.) 

What character or physical trait did you (do you) most enjoy about your children?

23 comments:

  1. Good luck with your treatments! I hope they bring you your little Danny and Mara. This was our last cycle trying on our own and I am hoping this brings us our positive test! Next month we'll be moving onto Clomid...

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  2. My girls have the cutest gap teeth smiles. Their smiles reach from ear to ear. I love it.

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  3. best of luck with your upcoming treatments.

    my favorite characteristic about my daughter is her eyes. they are gorgeous, big, brown eyes but they also say so much. when she smiles, when she smirks, when she's sad, when she's ecstatic.

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  4. GOOD LUCK! Oh how I know the feeling of it seeming so far off that it doesn't seem real sometimes. It will happen one way or another whether through treatments or adoption!

    My favorite thing about my son is his beautiful mouth. It's his Dad's mouth and I'm in love. He's his Daddy's little clone!

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  5. Hello Mara and Danny,

    I've discovered your blog recently and I just love it!

    I understand that you are happy with the treatments and I wish they work out for you! I have been living with benigne brain tumors for 4 years now and going through lots of different treatments.I am very lucky for it's not a fatal type and it doesn't affect any cognitive or motor skill areas. Some treatments are rough and people really don't get it when I say that I am so happy for them, I am excited to go to the hospital, and being able to receive all these treatments and try on new things and all! People look at me as if I was crazy when I say that I would love to be able to have a surgery!!! But it is such a blessing! Even the nasty side effects have been teaching me so much about so many things (me, my body, how we all deal with medical issues, developping more empathy towards other people's suffering)... So, I really get what you say about being happy and grateful, no matter the results (or side effects).

    One of the "catches" of living with these tumors is that I might not be able to conceive. When doctors told me this, I really wasn't thinking about motherhood or anything, I was single, with a bouddhist celibacy vow, working on my phD research and a baby would be the last concern at that point of my life. However, I felt really, really angry. My father was the one who helped me understand this anger (since my mom passed away years ago, he had to "mother" me in this one...)He told me that my liberty of choice (of being a mother or not) had been stolen from me and that' s why I was so angry, even though I wasn't thinking about having a baby. He was absolutely right and understanding that, helped to appease me and just be grateful again that I could treat the tumors and that things weren't as bad as they could be.

    But the great news I received recently is that since my tumors have been stable, I will probably be capable of doing a treatment to try to conceive... And I am so excited about this! Well, now I am married and trying really hard to end the writting of my dissertation (to move on to these treatment!!)!

    Now there are some days when, me too, I can find myself daydreaming about having a little one... and just rejoicing for being able to allow myself to timidly dream about it! Even if it doesn't happen, the right to dream and hope was given back to me and that's such a blessing! We are so used to taking things for granted that we end up loosing the appreciation of simple, nurturing and important things such as daydreaming and hoping...

    Really the outcome may be great or not, but truly happiness in the journey, not the destination.

    All my love to you!

    Tsultrim
    PS: I am sorry for such a long post!!!!

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  6. I was the first to "announce" that we're going to try for a baby. During these 3 years, many of our friends have gotten married, pregnant, had the baby, (some of which were 'accidental'). I admit I still need to fight feelings of jealousy, bitterness at times. But overall, I am grateful for this experience that helped me grow spiritually, closer to my husband, and stronger as a person. And yes, I am able to afford all of the treatments (3 IUI cycles, 2 IVF cycles, embryo freezing, Chinese herbs, Acupuncture, all of the tests). That in itself is a blessing. Best of luck to you! I'm a huge fan of your blog & really hope to see little Danny & Mara in these entries soon! I'm hopeful!!

    battleinfertility.wordpress.com

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  7. I'm rooting for you guys!
    This isn't a physical characteristic, but the thing I most admire about my little girl is that she does things in her own time and will not let anyone talk her into anything she doesn't want to do. Yes, it does get frustrating as her mom, but I just pick the important battles. I know it's going to take her far in life.

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  8. I admire your positive attitude, even through a very challenging trial the two of you face. I wish you happy days and my prayers go out to you.
    The trait I love most about my children is their beautifully vibrant blue eyes because they are just like their daddy's eyes. And my son's dimple has helped him get away with a lot more than his sisters ever did. His smile melts my heart.

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  9. I too have experienced infertility. We just had our first baby (a boy!) after 16 years of marriage. That's right - 16! My son was worth the wait. Every minute of that wait was worth it. It's tempting to fall into bitterness, disappointment, jealousy and anger but what a miserable path that would have been. I'm a firm believer that hope and living one's life to the fullest and living in the here and now is a great fertility treatment in and of itself.
    My favorite part of my son is hard to pick. I love it all and his 9 month old babble makes my heart melt.

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    1. Wow- how inspiring. 16 years!! I love what you said: "hope and living one's life to the fullest and living in the here and now is a great fertility treatment in and of itself." I wish I had lived in the "here and now" while going through pregnancy loss and infertility. I tried but couldn't stop obsessing over cervical fluid, temperature readings, ovulation test kits, counting the days of my cycles...I wish I had just enjoyed my time with a loving husband and had the faith and patience to wait for my little boy!

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  10. You're joy over getting to try all these different treatments doesn't sound crazy to me at all. In fact it really makes sense. Many think anger is a logical response to these things but what is so logical about an emotion that can really bring one down? Joy and good feelings just keep expanding and growing and making us happier about everything in general- this seems like a much more sensible route to me:). Thanks for the reminder!

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  11. I love your positive attitude. I'm sure it already has and will continue to take you far in life.

    I love my baby boys two big front teeth, gap and all. :) I also love his eyebrows and the way they move when he makes funny face expressions.

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  12. When my first daughter was born and she was laid on my chest and we sat there admiring our new little babe...my husband said, "Look at her chin." It was the most pointy, little W of a cleft chin. Like POINTY. And I think I said, Uhhh I hope that's cute. Well it's beautiful and both my girls have these sweet little cleft chins that they often get comments and compliments about. That and their big, beautiful eyes are probably my favorite features.

    Best of luck to you two!

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  13. A treatment more aggressive than IVF? Please do share!

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  16. I am so thankful for your recent posts about infertility (choosing JOY; finding the blessings). It has definitely put our journey in perspective and given me a much, much healthier outlook! We've been trying for over two years and I just recently suffered our second miscarriage. While I did stick my head in the sand for a few days to grieve - my husband and I have come out of this journey in such a better place. Before we wouldn't talk about our future children so we wouldn't jinx it - but now we enjoy the "what if's" or the "how fun would it be's" about our future family. Our favorite game is to pick out silly names and make the other laugh or plan fun family vacations ...

    After my body recovers from the latest - we'll head back into the trenches; clomid, follistim shots, ovidrel, bloodtests, and then IUI (in addition to acupuncture, healthy eating, etc). I so agree that it is a blessing to be able to do these treatments! While we do get a bit nervous about the cost here and there - we just make it work! I'd love to hear about your aggressive treatment!

    For our future children - I hope they get their father's kindness. My husband is one of the kindest people I have ever met. I tend to be a bit more opinionated and vocal - but Brad (husband) is just so steady, calm, and KIND. It is one of the things I most admire about him. And he's got the coolest eye color - a mix between hazel and green to make this neat color ...

    Treatment IS a blessing! And I'm thankful it is available to us! Best of luck to you and Danny!!

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  17. I want you one of those, too, just because I'm so excited to see you and Danny as parents. I know you'll be amazing and your children will be blessed for all you have been through. Plus I'm sure you'll have even more wonderful things to write about once you do have your babies . . . and we'll all benefit from that!

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  18. Best of luck with your treatments. I can't imagine how much you want to see if your little one will look like you or dad or both!

    One of my favorite traits of my children is their unabashed creativity and the confidence and pride they take in their work.

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  19. It's been a long time since I was dealing with my own infertility, but I remember so well with each treatment: blood draw, ultrasound, surgery, intramuscular injection, etc. I was so upbeat and positive about it. Strange to say, I remember it as a very joyful time. I felt very purposeful and incredibly in love with my husband. Sending you lots of love your way.

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  20. Good luck with the upcoming treatments. I love your attitude.
    What I love about my children is boy number one's red hair and freckles, my girls golden ringlets, and baby boys enormously chunky legs (and squinty smile).

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  21. Thanks for your beautiful spirit! I took clomid for 3 mo. after just over a year of trying. I was not as grateful as you are. I mostly felt broken. But I have since been abundantly blessed. I feel so grateful for my children, even in trials (and raising even good kids teaches us so much).

    I love so much about my kids. I love that my 2 teenage boys text me. I love how focused 2 of my kids are when they write stories. I even love (in a weird way) how my 4th child breaks almost everything because she is so energetic. And my fifth little baby, who is at the peak of cuteness at 2 1/2, melts my heart daily with her tenderness, and her sweet singing...especially "My Favorite Things" or "I am a Child of God". Thanks for reminding me to be guided by love and gratitude.

    I pray you won't have to wait too long for your own (whether birth or adoption).

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  22. I too am soo grateful for modern medicine, for a loving husband and his support through three IVF cycles. You'd never even know to look at our family now what all we've been through to get these beautiful children. But I felt much more broken and depressed when I didn't know what was wrong, than I did after we found our answer and were able to make our plan. God has worked miracles in our life to make our family more complete.

    My children's attributes--huge gorgeous eyes, zest for life, big as Texas grins, and so talented--every one in their own individual ways.

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