When I learned some of these concepts I've been writing about on this blog, it was like I got hit over the head with a frying pan.
Until then, I had not been living in the way I do now. I always thought I was a decent person & was reacting to my life in the way anybody would, so when I realized that there was a better way to live, it was like...what?....my unhappiness has been due to my own choice? I can't blame it on my infertility or on the way I've been treated by others? Since making these realizations, I have come a long, long way in realizing that I have control over the way I experience my life. So I know it's possible to make changes.
Back in the day, I used to succumb to fear, doubt, anger, insecurities, sadness & worry. All of them. Often. I literally let these emotions rule my life. To give you an idea...
Several years ago, I felt dead. Yep. DEAD. At the time, it was the only thought that came to my mind to describe how I felt. I was so overcome with grief and sadness so, so very deep, that I didn't know if my body would continue to breathe on it's own or if I could still put one foot in front of the other as I commuted on the subway to and from Brooklyn & my midtown office. I literally thought I might die in my sleep from grief or become one of those "sick passengers" on the train because I had fallen to the floor. You see, my former husband, had just let me know, in all seriousness, that he didn't love me and he never had. Ouch. We had been married about two of seven years at that point.
Unfortunately, for many years, the issue would come and go. No one knew. I never told a soul. The first time this came up, I was sitting at my desk at work in midtown. I was so broken. I couldn't go home that night. A quick search on Priceline landed me a 4-star hotel downtown. After I paid for the room, I saw where I would be staying .... at the Millenium Hilton, literally across the street from the pit of Ground Zero. This was very soon after 9/11. You may know from my previous post that this was the LAST place on earth that I would have viewed as a sanctuary that evening. So there I was, on the darkest, most lonely night of my life, heading straight towards that horrific pile of mangled steel. The thought of it made me sick. I could barely handle my life in that moment let alone the thought of trying to sleep with that scene outside my hotel window. So I begged (with tears) for a room that would not face Ground Zero. And I got it. I had no idea what direction I would be facing. I figured I'd be stuck in a room facing a garbage shoot, which I would have welcomed. But when I opened the curtains of my room, I saw this (!).......my beloved home of Brooklyn.
I cried with gratitude. It was so unexpected. It was the most beautiful, magnificent, sparkly scene I had ever laid eyes on. It literally took my breath away....I just stared and stared. I could see where I used to live with my brother in Cobble Hill. I could make out the unlit area, which was my beloved Prospect Park. I could see the BQE and the Brooklyn Bridge, roads I knew well from driving around this city and making this place my home. Somehow, for a moment, I was able to just take in the beauty and forget about the pit on the other side of the building, and the pit in my heart.
But even though I had a moment of peace, I still wept all night long. And trembled. And had way too many visions of planes crashing into buildings. I remember wondering how I could possibly get out of the skyscraper I was in if there was a fire. In and out of sleep, I envisioned myself running down the stairs.
My husband did call my cell earlier that night when I didn't return home. I refused to tell him where I was. He was worried. And in my dysfunctional state, I hoped that he was suffering. And I know that he was.
The next morning -- I booked a very expensive hotel massage as if I had money to burn (why not?) It turns out it was one of best massages of my life. The masseuse was a ripped, middle-aged woman with a short, man-like hair cut, huge guns, rolled up sleeves and arm tattoos. She looked like a male body builder and she massaged me like nothing else. I never realized how powerful and healing human touch could be. I just laid there and wept as she kneaded my frail body. That woman will never realize what she did for me in that moment.
I regained some strength. And then I took a cab (you bet I did) home to Brooklyn. My upstairs neighbor on 3rd Street saw me hop out of a cab early that Saturday morning, still in my work clothes from the previous day. I think he wondered what I was doing. So did I. Everything felt different. I was greeted by a sorrowful and apologetic husband who tried to retract his previous words, which I accepted. But, this was just the beginning of some of the darkest days & years of my life.
I am grateful for those hard experiences. All of them. It is those difficult moments that added up over time and finally got me to the place where I had had enough. I wanted to see if there was a way out of the pain I had been living with. I got to the point where I didn't want to live like that any more. I had hope that there had to be a better way. And I set out to find it. And as many of us may know, seek & you will find.....and I did.
Loving you all. And hoping that you all can look up, even during your worst trials. Know that if you have the desire & begin to make changes (even small ones), things can & will get better.
p.s. Today all my lower east side dreams came true! I got to go to some places I've been wanting to try for 12 years, but just never have had enough leisure time to visit. They lived up to all the hype.
Babycakes - loved the gluten free, dairy free, sugar free vanilla cupcake...mostly the vegan frosting was to die for. How did they do that? Must get the cookbook!
Economy Candy - Est. 1937. It's full of vintage candies. I felt like a little girl at the 7-11, dreaming of buying all the candy. I settled for a square of that Turkish style pistachio nougat. Gluten free. I got to go to Turkey one time and fell in love with those nougat squares then. I have a hard time passing them up. Delicious!!
Katz's Deli - Est. 1888! I've been before, but it's always a treat to eat that pastrami and those fresh pickles.
Doughnut Plant - I dreamed of going there for years. But I missed my chance as I now can't eat doughnuts. But it was still satisfying to go there with Danny and some family in town visiting. They really, really loved their doughnuts. The flavors are amazing.