To all the wonderful single people out there, I love you. This is for you !
(Mothers: Please share this message with your sons & daughters. This is for them, too. 🙂 )
I just have to get this out. My other “dating list” is still coming, but this is an important intro that I thought I would share first. Here goes………..
There are certain kinds of men or women out there that bring very little good energy or kindness to the table in a relationship.
Have you ever experienced this? It can be subtle or it can be blatant. For example:
-Someone who has a problem showing physical or verbal love
-Someone who wants you to work around his/her schedule or location all the time instead of the other way around
-Someone who focuses more on their needs instead of yours
-Someone who dwells in negativity & trash talks others or themselves
-Someone who seems to be bothered by your flaws more than they are celebrating & raving about your good qualities
-Someone who poisons an otherwise good relationship because they won’t step it up & commit, out of selfishness or fear
Ick! Why do so many of us actually find ourselves wanting to BE with someone like this?!?! Or actually wanting to be loved by someone like this?!?! Why do so many give and give and GIVE, only to have this person drop them a bone from time to time? Why can’t we believe that we deserve more?
Well, I think we all have this desire to be loved & desired & useful. And we stick it out in these horrible relationships, loving & giving to no end, just HOPING, HOPING, HOPING that one day it will be enough for this person to love us back. All along, to approach a relationship in a healthy way, we should not be basing our wholeness or wellness on feeling loved by others, anyway…. see what I learned about this in this previous post.
Friends, I have been there. It is embarrassing to admit. But oh yes, I have been there. Those times were the greatest energy sucks of my life! Every ounce of me went towards trying to maintain those less than ideal relationships. Dumb. Doesn’t that just sound ridiculous & exhausting? It was.
Luckily, later in life, I smartened up and learned to recognize these types of energy drainers quickly. Heaven help me, there was no way I wanted to be in that type of relationship again. I can’t help but write some of this insight I’ve gained from the refiners fire, in hopes that maybe it will help someone out there! I want you ALL to have the best relationships possible!!!! If we all had this, we could change the world. 🙂
To be as direct as I can be, do not date a person another day if they are draining your energy and bringing very little kindness and loving nature to the table!
Do NOT keep justifying this kind of behavior & rationalizing a reason to stay. Please trust me that it is not worth it & it very likely will not have a happy ending. You CAN meet someone better if you hold out for it. And you WON’T be worse off without this person. Trust me, your inner gut and your future children and everyone around you will thank you if you walk away.
Now, it can get confusing because a person like this may actually be a really great person and have many admirable qualities! They could be smart, talented, fun to be around, adored by others & they may have a big heart in other ways. They may even have many of the same overall values as you. And the worst dose of confusion? You may actually feel “loooove” for this person!!! WHAT ON EARTH IS A GIRL TO DO? It took me a long time to figure this out, but….I will say this now and probably many times on this blog:
Just because you are in love does NOT mean your partner is “marriage quality”!!
In fact, in most cases when people are “in love” – – – marriage is likely NOT a good idea! “Love” does not indicate AT ALL that someone is ready or capable or mature enough to contribute to a happy relationship. It does NOT mean that they are bringing good energy to the table, which is essential for a healthy/happy marriage. Think of how many times you’ve been “in love”. Aren’t you glad now that you aren’t married to those people? There are SOOO many other qualities that make a person “marriage quality.” (Future post on this coming…)
And know this very important detail….
You are just as accountable for this dysfunctional relationship, if you allow it to continue. (As was I.) Ouch.
This is in your hands. Please, please only date & marry someone that FULLY ADDS TO your own good energy & make sure that you are offering the same!! Doesn’t that sound lovely? Do guys/ girls like that really exist? YES, THEY DO! Tell me you’ll hold out for one! (If you want to know a good place to likely find a ton of them, let me know. 🙂
One last very important bit to share…
When two people in a marriage aren’t sucking the life out of each other, you’ll have such an abundance of overflowing energy and love that you can share it with others…
…including your children, neighbors, people in need, even strangers. It’s so dang beautiful how that works! This is what the best marriages are made of. I want that for all of you. Each & every one of you deserves it.
P.S. These photos are from my single days, during a trip to DUCK BEACH. This is the Mormon spring break in the Outer Banks where THOUSANDS of single Mormons (as far as you can see) converge from all over the country. I have never seen anything like it. But it was an incredible experience. (Most of these photos taken by Jean Baptiste Duprieu.) A documentary about Duck Beach is being made, which I am sure will be entertaining. Here’s a trailer.