I have always wanted more than anything to be a good mother. Even though I don’t have children, I still have this killer mother instinct for my unborn children – I would do anything for them. And well, it turns out that I have been able to do a lot for them so far, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I was lucky enough to have my infertility acupuncturist remind me that trying to be a good mom was like trying to get your PhD. She said most women (including me) were trying to go for the PhD, but we hadn’t even finished kindergarten yet!!! Meaning, many of us were still reacting immaturely to our trials & handling our lives in a dysfunctional/damaging/unhealthy way. Many of us still didn’t know how to cultivate our own peace & happiness, we were waiting for a baby (or a happy marriage, or success, or whatever…) to make us happy.
It’s a vicious cycle to be in. Because if we really think a baby or a husband WILL make us happier, then we are dependent on circumstances for happiness. UGH. These means that we will ALWAYS be living in a state of sub par happiness….. because even if we have the baby or get a husband, there are still ALWAYS unfavorable circumstances before us! (Right?) “If only my baby would sleep”…..”if only I could have time for this or that”…..”if only we could buy a bigger house”….. “if only I could lose 10 pounds or look that good in those pants”…..”if only my husband would throw me a bone and tell me he loves me or that I look great”…..”if only my child didn’t have a disability”…..”if only I could afford this or that”….”if only I wouldn’t miscarry”…. ETC. There is ALWAYS something to be miserable about, if we are aboard that train heading towards never-never-going-to-be-happy-land. And sadly, if we are on that train, it’s going to be really hard for our kids to know that there is a better way to live.
It is the most liberating, burden-lifting thing we could ever do (for ourselves). And it will be the most noble and powerful act of love that we could ever offer our children or spouses.
I am telling you it’s possible to do this. I am writing this on Day 1 after another failed IUI. And I’m feeling a lot of love in my heart for this experience and for my loved ones here and my little ones in heaven. And, I’m feeling a lot of love for you.