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| (Photo by our amazing photographer, Rachel Thurston) |
So, at this point, because of our combined experiences, Danny & I happen to know a lot about what makes for a good marriage. :) We think marriage is one of the greatest blessings anyone can have & we really do feel grateful for it every single day. But we also know that a lot of people have ebbs & flows in their marriage & that it can be a difficult experience for many. So here are our best tips. These are all specific things that we do, so we know firsthand they work like a charm :)....
- Speak REALLY kindly to each other. Always! Do not speak with a negative tone (ever). It's possible to do this folks, if you want to. Just sayin'.
- Make SERVING each other your highest priority. And make serving others your second highest priority. [There is nothing more attractive and endearing than a charitable person.]
- Speak highly of your spouse to others and then later, tell your spouse how fun it was to share what you did! (Danny does this all-the-time when he is sharing our story with coworkers or people he meets throughout the day. It is the sweetest thing in the world to me & makes me feel like a million bucks.)
- Do not EVER speak negatively about your spouse or complain about them to others. Ever, ever, ever. Just don't bring that kind of negativity into your marriage.
- Exercise & stay fit! Makes for a positive outlook, healthy body, and great sexy time. :) Speaking of...
- Have SEX AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE :) :) :) Make that a major, major priority! Just start thinking about your spouse (naked) often. And pretty soon you won't have to "make" anything happen. It just will happen. And maybe lots of you are saying, "Yeah, sure...you don't have kids...." But on those nights that sex just simply may not be happenin' due to late nights or kids or work schedules or whatever.... well, I think that being intimate in ANY way counts for something. So, make sure to always do SOMETHING each day........i.e. let's see... crawling into bed naked or taking a shower together. That would do it. :)
- Say thanks to each other - a bunch - for all the little things your spouse does for you.
- Learn how to handle trials in a healthy way. All the little ones...AND the big ones. When you learn how to do this, you don't drag your spouse and family into your drama/dysfunction.
- Forgive for everything. EVERYTHING. I know this may take another post on what forgiveness is and how to do that, but no matter what, you've got to find a way to let go and remove anger, pain, and grudges from your heart.
- Praise your spouse often.
- Do not blame ANYONE for your unhappiness, especially your spouse of all people! Make sure your peace and happiness is not based on your spouse. Tricky to think that way... But it is the greatest advice I could give you. It allows you to love your spouse/kids better when you do this.
- Pray together... EVERY DAY! When done sincerely and lovingly, it is the most beautiful thing to do together!!!!! This can feel as intimate as sex. hahaha. I am telling you........DO IT and see what I am talking about! You don't want to miss out on this!!!!!!!!! Even if you are not religious, meditate together, share some meaningful words of gratitude & hope.
- Stay committed to God or to whatever gives you the greatest strength. When you do this, your daily life will be aligned with good things and everything else above falls into to place so easily.
Does anyone have any other ideas to add here? We would be so happy to hear them! I am sure other people would, too.
And here is a short little video about marriage that I think is so sweet. I think I had a teeny tear when I saw this.
With Love,
MK + DK
great post. I am going to print off the list, because after 18 1/2 years of marriage and 7 kiddos, sometimes i forget the little things. Love your suggestions, they are spot on!
ReplyDeleteMara- this is a great list and SO. VERY. true. kc and i have always tried to make our marriage something special. we are truly happy and its because we work at things every. day. one thing i would add is to have little "special occasion" on an ordinary day. use fancy wine glasses for dinner with a fancy drink. in other words. make life with your love FUN!! however you want to do that.
ReplyDeleteyou are a sweet inspiration and i am thrilled that you are a happy gal! ps. love the new fall line. it is beauty. and so is your model! i would love to do her hair. it is perfect!
Sherry! I LOVE your idea about using fancy wine glasses & making the ordinary a little more special. Even though it's just the two of us, when we can we like to have meals sitting down with a "set" table. It just makes meal time more set apart from the rest of our busy days and makes it feel like we are "dining" (aka no laptops, no cell phones, and great conversation :).
ReplyDeleteMara, my friend. I love you to death. I imagine I'll be saying this after each post. Thank you for your inspiring words :) I look forward to being able to apply them one day ;)
ReplyDeleteAw, reading your blog just puts a smile on my face. it's so nice to read about people who are so positive and view marriage, not as a chore, but as blessing.
ReplyDeleteAmanda & Sarah & Laurie - you made my day.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Amanda, I agree! I think it's super important to not view marriage as a chore. Even the difficult parts of it can be blessings to us...cause ALL of it is for one great purpose --progression.
Awesome tips!
ReplyDeleteI like your tips, thanks!
ReplyDeleteAfter 15 years of being together (7 of it married) and having three little kids I would like to add the HUMOR to your list. We take things often with humor and laugh about our selves and about stupid situations instead of getting upset. I love our humor in our love-ship very much and couldn't live without it. Laughing together is like praying together...
Iren - - THANKS for that addition! How did we forget that? That one definitely needs to be on there...So thanks for adding it. :)
ReplyDeleteMara, I found your post through Design Mom and wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it! I read it on Friday and thought, "Pah. Newlyweds! And their insufferable optimism!" I spent the following day with my husband and his family for his sisters wedding. I can't believe how rude my husband and I were being to each other the whole day and I was getting so frustrated! What horrible timing! As I watched my sister-in-law and her husband at their reception, and their insufferable optimism, I remembered this post and realized that I had been doing the opposite of all of these things practically the whole day. So I went over to my husband to apologize. Before I could say anything he apologized first and we kind of turned into crybabies about our bad behavior. So I've been trying to remember your suggestions today, and I think you're right. It's hard work, but you're right :) Congratulations for being such a smart newlywed! Also, cute blog!
ReplyDeletedroitetgauche - Thanks for the great comment! And, I must admit I'd totally agree with you about the "insufferable newlywed" comment if it weren't for the fact that Mara and I have some major experience prior to this oh so fortunate union!
ReplyDeleteWe may be newlywed to each other, but Mara and I have 7 and 4 years of prior marriage experience. The lessons above are things we knew and tried to do long before our former spouses went their separate ways. After our divorces, both of us were committed to finding someone who viewed marriage in exactly the terms mentioned above because we already knew it was the secret to success.
Maybe you've already noticed by some of the emails we've posted...but we started to figure our pretty early on that we each felt the exact same way about how to conduct ourselves and treat each other.
And though it may start out as "hard work", if you make these things the pattern, and do each of them very deliberately instead of waiting for everything to fall into place, well then it really doesn't become work at all...it's the norm. We don't do these things or speak this way BECAUSE we're newlyweds, we do this because we KNOW it is the key to a truly happy marriage and beautiful partnership!
Oh yeah, I'm totally wrong about you guys being newlyweds! I just read more of the blog and you two have earned the right to give anyone marriage tips, anytime! I think this is a really brave thing you two are doing to share so much, in such an honest way. I really admire it!
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's a lot of fun to read your e-mails, is that creepy? My husband and I began our relationship in a semi-similar way and it's fun to remember, vicariously, those chills and thrills :)
Love it, love it, love it! One of the BEST marriage advice articles I've ever read. (I've been married almost 20 years now.) :-)
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea what you are talking about you are too newly married -been there for 24 years and would never marry again, obviously i made the wrong choice but the majority of my friends are divorced or getting one. *Native New Yorker
ReplyDeleteVery sweet, I found your link through DesignMom. I also thought, newlyweds, however, so much of it is true and simple...if we treated each other like this, even most days (vs. occassionally), the little things would not get to be big things. Also, for the kids, watching a happy marriage, kindness to each other, raises their bar for a spouse someday and how they should treat someone they love. Good thoughts. I have been married for 13.5 years, my husband is my best friend, we have each others back and care deeply and can still laugh, but on a day to day, we could be kinder, in the way we speak, in the way we act, forgive more, be closer and pray. Thanks for the reminder!
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous - Thank you so much for writing! I realize this post does not make it clear that we actually have quite a history with marriage. Danny was married for 4 1/2 years prior. I was married for 7 years prior. (Danny writes some more details in his comment, above.) I know marriage can be difficult for many. But having gone through it before, we learned some really powerful lessons about trials, how to overcome them, and ultimately how to be happy, regardless of circumstance (& that includes being happy in marriage, too - - even when things don't work out.) We just hope to send a positive message about life and marriage out there to give people hope, as we believe everyone out there deserves it and can have it for themselves. Thanks, again. Best to you, Mara
ReplyDeletetjppnw - - THX for writing such an honest & great comment! I love what you said about "the little things [not becoming] big things". So true! I think the key is to guard all the little stuff and pay attention to it - - if something goes wrong in a "little" way, it's so much easier to turn it around, forgive, and get right back on track. When this becomes your way of life, the "big" things almost never come around.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, for everyone reading, in most cases I think it's possible to inspire your spouse to follow your lead as you apply this stuff! I wish all the best to you all!
Great tips Mara...I love that you wrote these together. My husband actually sent me this link this week, having no idea I'd already read it. It was meant to be :)
ReplyDeleteGorgeous photo...I'm happy that you two found each other!
Stephanie- hooray for husbands reading these marriage tips!! That is AWESOME and so sweet.
ReplyDeleteI thought of one more tip that is SUPER EASY yet goes a long way..... SMILE BIG when you see each other or when you are saying good bye or whenever you can fit it in. Danny and I have never talked about this, but we totally do it.... And having someone genuinely giving you the biggest smile is just one of the best feelings in the world. You can't help but react positively.
ReplyDeleteLove it!! I think it's silly when people use the "oh- newlyweds" comment. Because don't we all want to still feel like we're newlyweds?! And if we treated each other the way we did when we were newlyweds, well- just maybe we would be just as happy as we were then. And besides everyone wants to live happily EVER AFTER! This life IS the honeymoon- we have all of eternity to be married. Thanks for the awesome insights!! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think 7 years or 4 years is a long time to be married. But you know what, sometimes you don't need 30 years of experience to be an expert. The list is spot on. If you remember why you married the person in the first place, and if you try your best to be the person they married, maybe you'll still want to be together once the years set in. Who better than those who are still in the new to remind you how to make your marriage feel new again?
ReplyDeletePerhaps there are those who don't want to read between the lines, and walk away with the thought of "Hey, exercise so your spouse isn't checking out someone else," or "If you had kept yourself in check, maybe he/she wouldn't have left you for someone else."
Do I get a pass? I was fat when I got married anyway. :)
Hi there! A friend of mine posted your blog on her facebook page and I have really enjoyed reading your lovestory and of the wisdom you have learned along the way.
ReplyDeleteI am having a little trouble following the order from beginning to end. I have gotten to the part right before yall met and then I can't find the rest, its like I am at a cliffhanger here and not seeing the rest of the guishy details(haha)!
I love that you two are good examples of trusting the Lord and seeking 'the best gifts' even in the darkest moments. You two are pretty amazing! I have been married to my husband for 8 years and our love for each other strenthens me and really helps me to feel the love of the Lord on a new level through the love and support we give eachother. I feel blessed and inspired, thank you!
Stumbled onto your blog from somewhere.....truly what I needed! Thanks so much for the marriage tips and wisdom. We are both remarried. These tips are exactly what I needed to be reminded of. The one book I would HIGHLY recommend to anyone for any kind of relationship is "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman! Great book and when a person figures out their spouse's love language and implements it things definitely go smoother.
ReplyDeleteThanks again. This list is worthy of printing off and implementing into my life!
I read the tips before I read the history or the blog, "Newlyweds" isnt the first thing that came to mind, my immiate thought was, grab a pen, and take notes. My (ex) husband and I were together for 4 years before we married, and then divorced after only two. After my experiences, I firmly believe in the whole "soulmate" thing, after another 2 years of being divorced, somehow we found our way back to eachother, and it's hard work
ReplyDeleteto say the least. I read this just when I needed... So I don't care if you two have been married to 6 months or 55 years, your experiences may save someone else's relationship. Thank you!
Great post! When my husband and I got married over 23 years ago we determined follow your first point, and it has served us very well over the years. We NEVER say anything negative to or about each other, even in jest. We also both praise each other in private and in public. Talking nice makes some of the other suggestions easier (praying, sex, not laying blame).
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post - I'm going to share it!
thanks for your positive take on this subject. it's a great reminder for those of us that have been working at it for awhile. my daughter is getting married soon and i had her read this. next time my future sil is over i'm having him read it too. thanks again.
ReplyDeleteMara, my friend Steph, your coursin or was it sister- told me about your blog and you know what, this is awesome, i love it! i love reading a blog soley focused on creating a joyful and loving marriage. My hubby -whose name is also Danny- and I just celebrated our 7 year anniversary and i blogged seven tips that have kept our marriage filled with love and happines. Please feel free to check it out at my lil famliy blog thebestofpa.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteHappy Blogging and thank you!
Danielle
PS i love the post about prayer, its a good reminder to how we should be doing our companionship prayer-we all fall off the band wagon sometimes
I sat next to you at the second day lunch and loved your outfit:) I had to come check out your blog and I love this post and will be printing it out and posting it on our fridge when I get home. Can t wait to explore the whole blog!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog...love it. Brings both tears and smiles to me. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteamazing list ~ so inspiring & so helpful! in fact everything i've read on this blog could be described that way. i'm so glad i found you. and thank you both for what you're doing here. this is what so many, many people need and your wisdom, optimism & kindness are awesome. adoration overflowing. . . .
ReplyDeleteGreat list! The only one I have a (minor) quibble with is not saying anything negative about your spouse to others. In general, it's great advice. But in cases of abuse or just a really really bad marriage, I think it's dangerous to say "never say anything bad about your spouse" when talking about it and getting help might be the very best thing the person in the bad situation could do. But if things are generally going well-ish, even if you're kind of butting heads at the moment, keeping the marriage between the two of you is best, if only to make sure you do keep talking to each other instead of just whining ABOUT each other to your other friends. It helps you to feel like you're on the same team, solving problems together.
ReplyDeleteIt would kill my significant other to have sex every day. So we cuddle in bed - in pyjamas - to get that intimate vibe anyway. Not everyone has a high sex drive :-)
ReplyDeleteThere are couples I know who call each other names in jest but we don't even cross that line. There's an amazing book that I may start giving as a wedding gift to every wedding I go to that is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's amazing!
ReplyDeleteSarah
Cable Car Couture
This is such an awesome post, I had to share it on Facebook. I LOVE the tips you posted. It is easy to become selfish in marriage without even realizing you have become such. You start to focus on what your spouse isn't doing "for you" and that gets you down. Instead, follow your tips and focus on your spouse. :) Love it! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteFor me, communication is really important.You need to understand each other. Anything else follows.
ReplyDelete