13 June 2012

Kicking Clomid in the Butt


[This was from my gmail journal from just before I started the blog.  I used to record thoughts in my gmail with the subject "Journal".  I recently I remembered that I did that & thought I'd do a search to see what I could find.  The beginning of this excerpt was hard for me to read.  I was drugged with clomid at the time, so I do not think my emotions were normal.  BUT, I thought I'd share it with you to show an example of what can happen when you choose to be aware and choose to turn things around.  And as you can see, I kicked clomid in the butt.]

"Today I had someone send harm my way (again).  Today I actually felt hate for that human being for a few moments (oh, dear).  Today I found out I wasn't pregnant.  Today I was taken advantage of by the awful red tape of the medical system & was made to go from office to office all over Manhattan, paying for visits & tests & cabs, only to find out none of it was necessary.  Today I was told I have to delay my fertility treatments for four months, due to that red tape.  Today I cried.  Twice.  Yes, I have had some rough moments.  But within the hour of this perfect storm, I am breathing normally & calmly.  This is a miracle to me.  A MIRACLE.  I am amazed that no matter what comes my way, I always have a choice.  I can decide where I want my heart to be.  I decided to let it all go.  I have to write this down because I am even smiling in this moment.  My heart is calm.  It really, really is.  All is well!!  I am full of love and forgiveness for those that have harmed me.  I am at peace with the medical system as there is nothing I can do about it's flaws and despite them it still does bless lives.  I am grateful for all that I have.  I am grateful to have a loving husband waiting for me at home.  I know that all of the crap of the day PALES to the importance of having joy (liberation) in this life!!!"

I am so glad that these little trials come to me & that I can feel how real my divine strength is & how possible it is for me to turn things around, again & again & again...as many times as I need to or want to.  It is amazing to see right before my eyes the physical & emotional changes that I am capable of.  THEY ARE SO REAL!!!

For 30 years or so I didn't bother changing my perspective if a bad day came my way.  I didn't know it was possible, didn't know my potential, didn't know how it could be done.  I didn't believe that people actually had control over this.  But a few years ago when my circumstances got bad enough - and when everything that mattered most to me in my life was stripped from me -  I got really desperate.  Somehow I had it in me to just go for it and give it a real try and see for myself what it was all about (I had nothing to lose!!)....and it turns out that it worked.  It was the most empowering thing I've ever done in my life.  It helped me to heal the hurt that I had been feeling for years and years.  And it continues to help me every single day of my life now, in every single unpleasant/even awful circumstance that I continue to face in life, as we all do. 

How are you guys doing with stuff coming your way?  Are they any great little triumphs to share?

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18 comments:

  1. Great post, Mara! I love keeping a journal, because it is such an encouragement to look back and see not only the victories, but also the hard stuff. I think the attitude shift that you talk of in this post is illustrated by a quote I really like that says, "Everyone and everything is holy." Difficult moments and difficult people can be transformed into treasures if we are open to seeing what they may be trying to teach us.

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    1. That's a great quote Michelle, thanks for sharing.

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    2. Agreed! I just love this... thank you....

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  2. No triumphs to share today! But I so needed to read this post!!! And make my daily shift! Thank you!!!

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  3. I'm teaching a journal class up in Newburgh at girl's camp this summer. So I've had lots of time to think about this. One of my favorite talks is one President Eyring gave at conference in 2007 - O Remember, Remember. It's so easy to forget all of the amazing things in our life and lose sight of what really matters. How cliche is that? But it's true. "Have I seen the hand of the Lord in my life today?" I've been working on this one. (And writing in my journal about it, of course :)) It's really hard to have the right perspective all the time, but to me the key is to truly be "in tune". The other day in sunday school, someone mentioned that the spirit speaks through all senses. I was jumping up and down inside because that is so true! And so true for me, personally. When I really am in tune, I see (and feel, and smell, and taste, etc.) the hand of the Lord in my life. As simple as the breeze blowing goosebumps on my skin, as grand as my baby boy toddling around. If I can just REMEMBER, it seems my perspective is right in line. Then I'm truly happy. Anyway, this post is so important. Once we can truly have the right perspective, we can really be happy. God wants us to be happy. But it's up to us to make it happen.

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    1. Rik - - This was wonderful to read. I just love what you said about seeing the hand of the Lord - in a breeze or a baby... just beautiful - and thanks for the reminder.

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  4. Mara,
    So nice to get a look into how you handled feeling bad and brining yourself out of it. Thanks for sharing.

    I had a mini issue last weekend. Got a parking ticket, in the past I would have thrown a fit and been so mad with myself and others for the wasted money. This time I was able to let it go w/in minutes and truly have peace about the extra expense. It was a small thing but actually pretty big for me as I hate making mistakes:).

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    1. Maria! HOORAY! That's awesome. Thx for sharing.

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  5. Mara- since you sort of "know" Mac and me, I'll share this little triumph with you.

    Mac and I weren't seeing eye-to-eye about a blog post the other day, and it was bothering both of us. I sat in my car stewing about it when a few things clicked for me. I know how much she cares about me, I know our friendship isn't conditional upon our agreement on every issue. BUT- because she is so loving and accepting of me, I respect her tremendously, and for the first time (maybe ever) I was actually willing to consider the possibility that she was right and I was wrong. Her open-mindedness and consideration for my opinion and feelings invited me to be equally open-minded and considerate.

    Love does powerful things. Someday I'll email you about meeting Mac, and some other women, and how it quite literally changed the way I live.

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    1. I've been totally MIA on the blog scene lately, but I'm trying to catch up, and what do I find? This wonderful treasure from Jane! I love it. Yep--we really have come a long way on choosing to be happy and okay with things, huh?

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    2. Jane/Mac - -you two are incredible women. So happy to hear from you, as always...

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  6. Well, funny you should ask. I had emailed you a couple of weeks ago about my daughter who had neonatal seizures. We just got the diagnosis that she has hypochondroplasia, a mild form of dwarfism. I credit your blog with helping me see all the wonderful things that will come out of this for our whole family, and I decided to start a blog so that other families who are facing a similar diagnosis can see that a child with short stature can have just as wonderful a life as a child of average height. As a bonus, it has helped me connect to other families with more experience and wisdom to share. So, thank you!

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    1. Vanessa - we were blown away when we read this. You are amazing. thanks for sharing your story and for sharing your perspective - you are an example to us all!! And good luck with your wonderful blog. It looks amazing. And your family is just darling....
      xo

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  7. Well I'm not sure you remember me too well, but we are, however, family. LOL! This is Liz, Cory's wife. :) Not sure how much you know about our journey, but I sooooo feel ya girl. This post really says a lot, and I know what these struggles are like. Cory and I have struggled for 5 years to get prego, and nothing has worked. I had an interesting happening last year when we attempted one last ditch effort at InVitro. I was all doped up on Progesterone, Estrogen, and everything hormonal you can imagine (what a cocktail!!)! The doctor's told us that after two rounds of very expensive IVF treatments, that they finally figured out what the problem was, and that this round probably wouldn't take either (Wow! Really?!) I cried the entire way home. How could they have just thrown us into all this and not tested all this to begin with?! But, honestly, it was a true awakening. After a few hours of total and utter anger to everyone in the world, a calm serene peace came over me. I have an excerpt from my journal...

    "Life is stupid. Right?! I mean, how does this happen to good honest people like us? But really, after a moment of total insanity, I am truly at peace with these new revelations. It's no ones fault. Not mine, not the doctors, not Cory's, not Heavenly Father's. It's a different road. It's a journey for us. It's the beginning of a journey. I think we are taking a break from the baby stuff for a while, but I have truly realized what love I have for life. I love waking up in the morning at snuggling my sweet puppy. I love watching Cory shave before work when I'm still laying groggy in bed. I love all the TIME we have together. I love my simple little house. I have a passion for my career, a true and utter passion. And on top of all that, I am truly happy. Minus this little bump in the road, I really am HAPPY! When praying today I got a direct answer...'Liz, if this is your worst trial you ever have to face, can you handle it?' and my answer was YES!"

    Just enjoyed reading your post, and it sparked these thoughts so I thought I would share. :) Just started this whole blog thing, so I'm new at all this :)

    ~Liz www.coryandlizfamily.blogspot.com

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    1. Liz - ahhhhhh - - how fun to get a comment from my cousin. Thank you, thank you for writing in. This was just beautiful to read. I didn't know that you guys had been going through all this. But I'm just amazed at the little shift in perspective that you were able to have. What a little miracle. Wow. Thanks, again. Love you guys - and think of you all often - I wish we didn't live so far away from the family.

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  8. This post is so brutally honest and heart wrenching. I'm so sorry for all you been through. You seem to take life in stride however and find joy in your husband which is awesome. I just found your blog and I'm excited to read more in the future. You two seem to be quite the adventurous types.

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